Also LOL at Stacey’s update. “She still likes pink.”
Bye!
Done and sugar dusted
WELL.
Well, well ,well.
Well well well we– (okay, we get it). Momentous, gripping, utterly moist, this series showed Bake Off has still got it. Worthy finalists in the end– we had the genius and fever dreams of a prodigious burnout, the eccentric japery and growing skill of a lovable hanger on, and the patient, iron composure of Wonder Woman herself.
Obviously, the track cyclist knew how to pace herself. And head girls gonna do what head girls do, understand? Sophie was always amazing, and deserves the ultimate crown. Now if you’ll excuse her, she has to report back to Pyongyang.
Thank you all once again for joining in below the line. I never fail to laugh, wince or consider legal action at your superb contributions. I’ve loved it– please stay in touch on twitter, facebook and Instagram. Or fashion a burning brand, in the shape of a crap emoji, and sink it in the flesh of my hide, so I’ll always remember this time. I’m bad with names.
Ciao! x
A shame Steven went out on a relatively low note, but I suppose he had to, to bring into relief Sophie’s consistency. She’s clearly fabulous.
Ch4 are definitely shipping Stovie.
The main takeaway here is: LIAM CALLED IT
I bet Liam’s dissertation will be under-researched yet charming.
Steven and Sophie are going on holiday together! How gorgeous! Or weird! Is it weird? Feel like it is a bit.
Tom! I knew his name was Tom.
Kate. Yasss kween.
There is no blood left in Steven’s face. But he’s gracious in defeat. Sophie hoists her big plate and receives an Irish smacker from the boyf. Lovely.
Sophie wins GBBO 2017
But of course. Utterly deserved! She’s never really put a foot wrong, has she?
Our sweet prince has fallen. Long live the queen. But which one?
Be funny if they sent one of them home, for the sadism of it. Shockingly, it would be Steven. Kate has had a superb series. Astonishing tenacity.
“I could still win.” No mate.
“Hopefully you’ll tell us eventually.” Did he know? It’s a sly dig at loose-lipped Prue, from the past. Mind-bending.
NOEL
SnailyWhaley terribly contorted yes.
“Bacon’s got your back.” Currently not the climate for any intrusive bath-based shenanigans, Kev love.
It would be extraordinary if Kate won this.
I mean probably Sophie, but could Kate win this? I cannot actually believe. I’m kinda delighted either way.
Apparently blue is the least appetising colour. It’s why there are no blue plates.
(If you have a blue plate, please prove me wrong.)
Steven’s not quite pulled off the effect he wanted. His rushed glaze is a trifle unfinished
I said A TRIFLE UNFINISHED, DON’T FORGET WHO THE REAL CRAFTSMAN IS HERE–
while internally it’s a bit chaotic, much like the real galaxy. And his flavours aren’t on point either- too simple on one side, too sweet on the other. His cosmic ambition has outdone him.
Oh.
Google Translate doesn’t have a Scouse option. Any suggestions?
Gorgeous snowy tableaux on her cake, and while her layering isn’t as complex as Sophie’s, her flavours are ‘a stroke of genius.’ Smashed it.
Kate loses a butterfly at the altar. What beautiful symbolism (dunno what it means.)
Oh my god she could win this.
I mean they might do. Take it up with Google Translate, okay?
Or as they say in Korea, geugos-eul bagsal naessda!
Agent Hockeysocks’ portal to other dimensions pudding is visually stunning, despite a cracked collar. Inside, her layers are like fiercely drilled regiments. Obviously. And it tastes stunning too, Paul even goes for the lemon lavender. Absolutely smashed it.
That is an exceptional cake.
For the final time, it’s judgement day. Or rather the other way around.
Steven just has the edge when it comes to previous contestant’s expectations...
Liam! Yan! Fly to me, my pretties.
What was that.
This Ainslie Harriet techno budget bodybuilder cook music video is profoundly doing my head in. Have they bought out the entire ad break?
Updated
What do we think? I was blown away by Sophie’s magic eye glaze. But that’s just decoration. Could come down to flavour?
tinyismynewt I am also so intrigued by caramelised honey. I mean how do you caramelise honey. It is honey.
Sorry, I’ve misread the emotional tenor of the moment. Apologies
From a technical point of view I know soundmen hate all this hugging it out because the chesticles are often where the radio micicles are. I bet they make them reshoot.
They’ve all plated up! What a relief. No one wants victory over a puddle.
What’s going to happen? I can’t take it.
Sophie’s chocolate collar is cracked! I realise it doesn’t sound momentous when written down, but reader, I wailed.
I do not know what glaze Sophie is pouring on her cake but it’s hypnotic like an interstellar wormhole. I feel so baked right now, dudes.
At least the tent isn’t the temperature of Mercury this week.
Kate’s actually looking cool and collected. She’s a ruddy good egg, isn’t she? RUDDY GOOD EGG. She could do this. Sophie’s detail work looks like it’s going to be stunning, though. Steven’s nuclear rods are out of the coolant, and meltdown could be imminent.
Steven’s made a timing error- his entremet is going to be insufficiently chilled. TENSION. This could be Soph’s window of opportunity.
Sophie looks large and in charge, doesn’t she? Has such military precision ever been brought to bear on custard?
Paul’s struggling to get past Sophie’s lavender and lemon combo. But he famously hates lavender anyway, so I’m not sure he will.
Steven’s making honeycomb, Sophie’s doing a Rice Krispie cake. This is making me so nostalgic I may put on shorts and grab a bag of penny sweets.
Custard, banana, custard. YES Steven.
SO ambitious. I had to smile when he was describing his cake and the description went on for about three minutes.
Oh, but STEVEN. He’s doing a yin yang double entremets, only half of which will be decorated with “a galaxy scene with northern light streak.” That is a streak I want to see almost as much as Kate’s.
Oh okay, Japanese in this case. Kate’s Japanese flag entremet has yuzu and lychee and sounds amazing too. She is absolutely not out of this. I hope not anyway, as she’s promised to naked cartwheel if she wins. That’ll be past 9 o’ clock. They can air that, right? COME ON KATE.
Lychee- INDIAN
Okay there’s no way I can remember all the layers in Sophie’s cake but she said she loves honey so I am fully on board with that.
Wait brolene- is that right? Although it’s roughly equal, IS KATE slightly ahead??
That could be right? Holy golden syrup.
Wow, a showstopper literally no one has heard of. What a way to go out.
A mousse, a bavarois, a jelly, a meringue. This is the Mambo No.5 of wet cakes. It does sound nearly impossible.
“This is the hardest challenge in Bake Off history.” Drink! Drink!
Showstopper: Entremet
En Tremé? Enter, May? On The Male?
heart emoji I don’t know how to do
The real winner of Bakeoff... #GBBOFinal #GBBO pic.twitter.com/Ywkw5UfKEU
— Claire A Brind (@Claireabrind) October 31, 2017
This grapes advert has been on for about an hour
You’ll all miss that Dr Oetker chocolate monstrosity when he’s gone.
Kate comes last and gets her gobby schoolgirl at the back of class on, which I am a sucker for. Sophie second, and Steven takes top spot. INTERESTING. Basically a level playing field.
Judging time! Steven’s nuts may not be snappy dressers, but they’ve got the right crunch factor. Good biscuits. Kate hasn’t finished her biscuits, so basically forefeits the round. Sophie’s blobs aren’t blobby enough.
Damn right AndyinBrum! Your namesake is the MVP of ginger nuts.
One year since this moment. If you’re thinking of applying, stop holding yourself back and just go for it. #gbbo pic.twitter.com/2NwtN9TnZe
— Andrew Smyth (@cakesmyth) October 26, 2017
Kate is so great, isn’t she. Actually Sophie’s being good fun too.
“Everyone should learn how to speed pipe.” Sophie should come to the park near me, where time-strapped young addicts have been practicing speed-pipe for years.
Oh god, ‘flooding’ makes me think of dicking around on MS paint, using the Fill feature when you think you’ve sealed the outline of an object but you haven’t, and your entire image disappears into a sea of green. Had so much more free time back then.
They’ve more or less given up on Noel and Sandi chemistry, haven’t they. The last few skits have revolved around their incompatibility.
mmm, sweet air.
Freehanding an oval? These guys can’t do 3 x 3. This is devilish, Euclidean-prankstering from Prue.
This is human error in action.” –Kate. I’m having that engraved onto my byline.
Grossly divergent levels of enrichment and thickness in these doughs. Bit of a metaphor for our society, really.
Prue is too posh to dunk, she protests, whilst doing exactly that. Posh people are so weird.
Oh, it’s a trap. An icing trap. I see.
Admiral Akbar knows all (2015) pic.twitter.com/XEw3XQEyVs
— Jason Turtel (@JasonTurtel) October 17, 2017
Ginger biscuits? Have they really given up?
Technical Challenge:12 Ginger Nuts
The lost, censored verse of The Twelve Days of Christmas
“It’s all about the bake.” WELL I NEVER. The altar of deathless technical challenge advice grows more heaped by the day.
Prue you might need some friends, all I’m saying.
“Prue, have you been kind to the finalists?” That’s like asking Boris Johnson if he’s smartened himself up for a big occasion.
Kate smashes it! Her spelt texture is a winner, and her other…look, I’ve not kept up with what the types of breads are but she’s done some bread and it’s good bread, really good bread, so let’s just be happy for her. Well done K!
Kerry or Cork? Where is Sophie’s boyfriend from? And is she wearing a weave? We don’t duck the big questions on this blog.
Steven’s lost his perfect visual touch, and his efforts are described as looking ‘awful.’ Two fairly disastrous loaves, though his Winston knot (no idea) hits the cinnamon-y sweet spot.
Judging time! Sophie was worried about her hybrid ciabatta but Paul’s having naan of it, complimenting the variety of mushroom textures and flavours, while her spelt is slightly underproved. Orange plait is a winner though. Well done S!
Nick Bromhall I will have to pay attention to Sandi’s shirt. I’ve basically stopped noticing her.
Did I tell you about the time I interviewed Noel Fielding? I put all my questions in a turban and he chose them at random. It was fun.
He then followed me on Twitter and I was chuffed, as he only followed about 200 people. I checked recently, and he’d unfollowed.
RHIK SCREWED OVER, VOL. 507
Sitting here watching #gbbo with the family when I’m the only one who saw Prue’s tweet pic.twitter.com/MGWLV7M95H
— the unsinkable molly (@moatham) October 31, 2017
Sophie & Ciabatta: an evolving love story. With some rocky turns.
Sophie attempts tent-yoga, her crow pose unbalancing and dumping her to the floor. The first documented victim of bread-madness.
Steven has split a roll, while Sophie worries about spelt bricks. Kate is generally concerned.
No one’s got a full second prove in, reasoning a thorough bake is more important. High octane stuff.
Has Noel actually feathered his hair?
Sophie has resorted to the kush. I don’t blame her, stressful times.
Is a proving draw…just a draw? I prove loaves in my bathroom after a shower when it’s warm and humid. ‘Body bread,’ I calls it. I’ve had no complaints, and no survivors.
OOF, the accent on Sophie’s boyf. Even I’m not immune to that lilting charm.
the squad are assembled
#GBBO #Squad READY 🙃 to watch ze finals pic.twitter.com/UznTs6fq56
— Selasi Gbormittah (@selasigb) October 31, 2017
Overachievers like Kate make me want to take to my bed with a hearing trumpet and only eat orange foods. If you can’t beat ‘em, play a wholly different game.
Bakers doing maths! Drink. Like a walrus trying to sketch a puffin.
Oh, I love it when we get to meet the families. Steven’s lot look very nice.
OF COURSE he was a scout. He probably got a badge for acquiring badges.
Steven is putting crushed diamonds and moonsparkle into his hundred tier bread roll?
Kate’s cooking with jaggery! In the words of my favourite character from Goodness Gracious Me, “INDIAN.”
But does she have the moves like jaggery?
She’s going for slow-rise, alternative breads. Has she screwed herself? Or has she got something up her rolled sleeve?
OMG the banter is going be dead in the shell this week. “Are you excited?” “Nervous.”
Sophie had her poker face on when the judges announced they wanted to start with a million tonnes of difficult bread.
Signature challenge: 12 small loaves
The disappointing lost line of The Twelve Days of Christmas
Actually her necklace is quite Blair Witch Project, which is less disturbing than the black bag fetish items she has been sporting so far.
Will Prue be wearing a full vial of poppers as a necklace for the final?
Not all bread is a dark art, Sophie! Have you seen Mighty White? Actually, that might be the darkest of all.
Steven clearly has a panic attack at some point, or several. Everyone mark your bingo cards.
OMG Tom. I forgot he existed. Is that his name?
HERE WE GO
Joanieloves just put the oats butter and syrup in your stomach and let your stomach sort it out.
It’s what Lyles would want you to do.
Updated
If anyone needs to hang on to their sweet treats tonight, I generally find if you opt for trick, the kids have nothing up their sleeve.
This may vary by area.
orbitalgirl I don’t know why but feel like the wine had already kicked in by the end of your sentence
Valedictory bingo, ma’am? A dignified thing.
- Stacey somehow turning up
- Sophie facing her competitors with good grace, good hair and a loaded Luger.
- Steven starting his breakdown early
- Kate uttering with words “It’s a disaster,” even if she lifts the crown.
- Prue from the future popping up to warn Past Prue to make sure she’s out of the country when the final airs. PARADOX!
emasl you are 100% right. Liam is the winner.
pavanne that is a short story of horror to rival the Hemingway one about shoes.
Are we sure it isn’t Prue pranking us all? That would be utterly Prue. Or maybe a subconscious resignation?
I’m sure anyone who knows won’t spoil it for others below the line. You all seem nice, and your hands are full of Jaffa Cakes anyway.
Oh hi! You’ve obviously heard there’s some ultra-competitive baking about to go down.
And you’re right. This is what the last nine weeks have been leading to, and a year of hype before that. Tonight, we crown a new Bake Off champion, a bright light to join the firmament of stars, mop up a Guardian column and struggle through a hellish substance addiction to uncut Madagascan vanilla.
But who will it be? Steven? Or Sophie? Or Steven? Kate will be there too, which is good because she’s funny.
Please join me at 8pm, when for the final time I will be watching the show, shouting obscenities and disbelief at the screen, then attempting to write down and post them, in real time. It’s 2017, this is who we are. Don’t fight it. See you then!
