Steven is risen, Yan falls flat
Whew. The end is dimly but definitely in sight, and nothing is cut and dried. Steven’s back on form, and lookin pici. Kate’s a proven master of escapology, Stacey is a victim of her own eschatology, and Yan’s departure proves we’ve had enough of experts.
Thanks to all of you who joined in, mainly to share your visceral unease at the thought of Hollywood in short shorts, brandishing a pizza paddle.
Next week is the quarter final, and the tension will be ratcheted up again. I hope you’ll be back for another helping. In the meantime, come say hello on twitter, facebook or Instagram. Or fashion a doll in my likeness, and stick push pins in it. I’ve always wanted to try acupuncture.
I normally say ciao, so this week:
ta ta, until later chaps!
Updated
But we lose Yan! I’m genuinely shocked. Nooooo! We’ll never see that scooter injury heal now.
Noel’s lost his crazy pal. Sad emoji I don’t know how to do.
star baker is Steven!
Steven claims his hat trick. I guess he really did cook that pizza until it was cooked.
Steven or Sophie? Titans at loggerheads. Yan’s really are shockers, like Kate’s. Tension tension.
“I think every woman is sensual in her own way.” Some of the best women I know eat porridge in the bath while texting, so maybe Brad Cooper’s other half has a point.
Didn’t we have ads about 3.5 minutes ago? I’m feeling grumpy because I think Kate’s going.
This pointless mas que nada ad soundtrack has will.i.am stamped all over it
I was unfair on Stacey, who actually performs as badly as she thought she would, with raw pastry and a bursting-in-a-bad-way crème pat. They’re racing Kate to the soggy bottom of the pack, but who’ll be seeing the inside of a taxi?
“Quite pleasant.” Is there any human activity, other than a walk taken on Christmas morning, you would be satisfied to be judged “quite pleasant”? Mind you, Yan is also doughy and insufficiently laminated, like a partially renovated toilet.
Now for … the rest. The also-rans. The unbargain bins.
Steven nails it, as usual, and is told his sfogli – I do not have time to write that whole word out, I’m sorry, I’m under time pressure here, immense pressure – his pastries could be sold in any Italian bakery. High praise. Can Sophie take him down? She does superbly all round, but I sense a hair’s less enthusiasm from the judges?
Paul really is the colour of pre-eclipse dusk when stood next to the others isn’t he?
Judging time, and LOOK AT LIAM’S. They are gorgeous. They keep going on about lobster tails, but they just as easily could be described as a Windsor tie-knot or corduroy samosas, to be honest.
Made In Chelsea oh god euthanise me now
Who do we think is going home?
How could I forget my favourite baking joke in Italian Week? Why shouldn't you upset an Italian baker? Cos he'll beat the focaccia! #GBBO
— Richard Burr (@RichardPBurr) October 10, 2017
so. much. sweat.
Stacey believes she’s doing terribly, but she says that every round, so I imagine she’s probably fine. Steven’s coldly eyeing up Sophie’s technique as if he’d like to strip it for parts.
Kate’s not looking good to last the week, as most of you agree. No-laminate, under-baked Yan isn’t sitting pretty either, mind you.
Imagine the piratical Paul Hollywood approaching silently at your rear, as if preparing to embark. He does exactly this to Liam, who utters a trademark squawk, and who can blame him.
oh Stacey.
I’d laugh if Kate just gave up, made another pizza, and handed that in at the end.
Does anyone else fancy garlic bread?
The Stacey/Sophie rebel/head girl friction is running hot in the 40-degree heat. Well, not for Sophie. She’s kept it cool, in hands and attitude. You could balance a book on her head through all this.
Did Paul look … bashful, after Stacey encouraged him to think about her underwear? He’s usually got a sly quip to come back with, but this time just stared at the counter like a boy trying to buy his first beer.
Surely she cannot escape another week? She’s been living on borrowed time a while.
One-handed Kate has never seen sfogliatelle, but “me mam and da went on honeymoon to the Amalfi coast.” Colour her screwed, as usual.
Oh man, consecutively thinning out pasta in rollers is an absolute nightmare. I’ve done it a few times, and it has stolen a piece of my soul every pass.
Liam is just adorbs, isn’t he.
Yan’s sfogliatelle are based on a trip to Canada for the World Cup, where she ate scones every day. I’ve zero idea what the logic underpinning that is. She might as well have answered “nineteen cats” when asked what day it is.
I dunno what they are but I’d eat the hell out of them.
Showstopper: sfogliatelle
Crunchy, rustling leaves, apparently.
Cod-Italian is definitely the most fun way to speak. No new vowel sounds, just a bit of pantomime flair, plus some easily mined stereotypes. As fake accents go, dattsa spicy meat-a-ball.
You might get a saucepan in the face, or you might get a hug.” Noel’s assessment of Stacey undermines the whole “producers have edit-created a fictitious character” idea.
So er, that was a nice chat.
I said “I do the Guardian’s live bake off blog, so have had to stare at your face quite a lot.” Which is a weird thing to say, but it was an awkward situation.
She replied, “Well I’m having a lovely time away from the show, but it’s a very good format.”
Justcasuallydropthishere
She said she hates selfies but this isn't a selfie SO I WIN, Mary pic.twitter.com/HZZPmeXubC
— Rhik Samadder (@whatsamadder) October 9, 2017
HCollider that is a series of powerful mental images. Thank you
“Scant topping.” My name is Austerity Prue and I approve this pizza.
Kate, Yan and Stacey are in whatever the opposite of pole position is, then Sophie, Liam comes in second, and Steven takes the tricolore.
Stacey is too thick and underseasoned, as is Yan, while Steven nails it as per. “Overall you could eat … most of them,” judges Paul, who could frankly be talking about pizza the entire world over. Do you know how bad a pizza would have to be before I didn’t eat it? I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten pizza with fish bones in.
Pasta la vista, baby
Judging time! Liam continues to do well, while Sophie’s pizza is – imagine this – “too English.” That’s like describing Arnold Schwarzenegger as “quite Austrian.”
I feel like Kate saying “absolute disaster” is stock footage that they loop in at the end of every challenge now. I fear this may be her week. To leave, that is. Not all in one piece, either.
Having personally attempted to stone bake multiple pizzas from scratch during a party, I know how easily they conspire to make you a sweating, foul-mouthed monkey out of you.
Liam’s even pizza is looking good. “I’m in the wrong business,” he smirks, laying back. The business of being 19, that is. Some of the others look like they’ll be serving up the surgical detritus of a botched skin graft.
Oh no. Poor Kate, hampered by her thorny paw, is having untold trouble getting her flatbread in the oven. She’s lost the mozzarella and wrinkled the dough. This is bad news.
“That’s gonna go in for as long as it takes to cook.” That’s the kind of insight one only arrives at once you’re at Steven’s level. You dare not dream to dream of the things he knows.
Why has Stacey torn her mozzarella into a thousand pieces? I do love those pizza paddles though.
Noel egging Liam on to toss his dough higher. Stacey going for one more toss before she’s done. I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire themed week was built around this single, double entendre.
WOOP there it is! Sub-cracker joke skit from Noel and Sandi, right on time. To be honest I’d rather an extended ad break. Especially if it’s that ASDA one.
Oh no! Lovely Kate has chopped the top of her finger off in the fan. Which fan? What? Also, her finger appears to be still whole. She’s a little bit cowardly custard. Mmm, custard.
Oh come on guys, you don’t need a recipe for tomato sauce.
Liam gets double-teamed by Noel and Sandi, who both land smackers on his sweet cheeks.
Sorry, I’ve made that sound horrendous. It was quite a sweet moment, if a bit weird.
Oh I see. Prue’s taken away their rolling pins. Of course she has.
How will they distinguish themselves with such a simple yet classic dish?
‘Why have you chosen cheese and tomato pizza, Prue?’
‘Because sometimes you just cannot be arsed, you know?’
Technical challenge: margherita pizza
Cheese toastie, innit
I don’t mean in a librarian cliche, America Ferrera, 90s rom-com makeover kind of way. I mean … actually I do mean in those kind of ways. I don’t know what I’m saying. Stop looking at me!
Don’t leave me hanging here.
Prue gives the bakers technical advice in perfect Italian, dropping a few jaws. Is it just me or is she … actually quite beautiful when she takes her glasses off?
Noel’s dig at Paul’s cannoli coloured spray tan is met in kind, with Paul accusing him of looking like mascarpone. Perhaps the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on Bake Off. Love a good slice of robust male banter.
The colour of Hollywood tonight..😐 #GBBO pic.twitter.com/CcSk2kzfB7
— Jayne (@jayniecakes) October 10, 2017
I think Sophie is going to win. Not just this round, I mean the whole damn series.
Not very alcoholic. I’m a little disappointed,” Prue winks at Kate’s misshapen puds, more or less setting the mystery to rest.
I didn’t squish that hard, wheezes Prue, depositing ooze all over the counter. Is she drunk?
Steven’s bubbles are described as perfect, perfect in this instance meaning lumpier than the elephant man’s legs. They admittedly look tasty though, and flavours are spot on. He looks so happy when people like his baking!
Steven always introduces his bakes with ‘we have’ like a head waiter describing the specials.
Stacey’s aren’t perfect, but she does well, as does Liam, despite a marshmallow leak that looks like someone let off a fire extinguisher indoors.
Judging time! I feel like Stacey calling her cannoli “My all-time favourite desserts” is asking for trouble.
This Cameo halloween ASDA advert is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.
Well Stacey’s not happy, even for Stacey.
Steven looked unbelievably Mary Poppins-esque as he consulted his watch while frying pasta. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down! That’s because it interacts with the sweet taste receptors on our tongues, masking the bitterness of the antibiotic.
Don’t know why I find Kate saying “I’m under pressure. Immense pressure” so funny. I think it’s that her brain has spared the resources to locate such a particular word, and is making her say it, even though she’s busy.
What’s going on?
Did … did Noel say he’s going to put a call in to the moon? This is very good news. Older readers, the moon was one of the best characters in Fielding’s surreal sketch show The Mighty Boosh, which he played with shaving cream all over his face, and a voice that … do you know what, forget it. I’m missing most of the show.
Younger readers, that’s Professor Sprout from the Harry Potter films. You don’t know who the Caramel Bunny is? She’s a sort of sexy rabbit who shilled for 80s chocolate. The past was weird, don’t think about it too much.
Kate’s looking very like the Caramel Bunny this week. Did you know she was voiced by Miriam Margol- oh, you did know. Alright.
Actually I think Sophie had some sort of Cath Kidston sleeve.
The tent is hotter than Palermo, and the bakers have to put on more clothes as a precaution with deep frying. They’re all going with internationally recognised safety garment, the knitted cardigan. It’s sort of the equivalent of a science teacher telling you “chlorine is highly toxic, so breath out the side of yer mouth a bit.”
brolene, you speak for a nation
Everyone adding cocoa powder to their cannoli. I'm over here wondering if someone has added cocoa powder to Paul Hollywood #mahogo #GBBO
— Sascha O'Toole (@SaschaOToole) October 10, 2017
“There’s a set of rules you have to follow,” says Steven, who could not sound more pleased about it. Protocol is very agreeable to the algorithm. Rules help control the fun/pave the road the victory.
Sophie’s getting a hard time for using mascarpone, rather than a more traditional cheese. Ricotta be the judge of this one: I SAY IT’S FINE. Crack on, Sophie.
I love that her scooter graze is still evident. Producers must have been delighted.
“Yan is filling one cannoli with rose, mint and amaretto, one with honey and amaretto, and the other one is going to be a pasta straw sitting inside an open bottle of amaretto.” Go on, girl.
Noel sinks a yard of limoncello, suggesting he’s a man on the edge. But it’s Sandi who divulges the real hedonist’s streak, in a story about how she drank an espresso martini and gave away all her jewellery. She’s like a Patricia Highsmith character.
Stacey is making jam roley cannoli, having vaccinated them against the poley-o. Yan’s Bananaramen is still top of the tree for me, though.
Very funny musical cues, aping the mournful Godfather horns. Steven has family in Italy! As if he needed more of a leg up. Bet he still bakes a union jack cross section inside one of them.
emilyscatnaps I don’t know what you’re talking about but it sounds sexy. Is it the instructions on the back of oven cleaner?
My cannolis are inspired by me. How I am as a person.”
Liam is perfect, and further commentary would only detract from this self-evident point.
Kinda resent all this talk about the hottest day of the year when I had to wear football socks in bed last night. Not in a David Mellor way.
Signature challenge: three flavour cannoli
“Deep fried pastry tubes” kinda takes away the magic.
Love the word incumbency. Benedict Incumbency.
The missing Middleton obviously loves Italy. Her perfect skin and gleaming teeth just scream Tuscan villa. Sandi gets right in with her accent. Liam meanwhile, is looking extremely worried, his precarious position in the tent evidenced in his star baker incumbency.
They’re very tonally odd, these intros. Mel & Tiramisu’s (sorry) genius was in crafting a schtick that was non-alienating yet never twee, and making it look easy. It’s very difficult.
Ooh, here we go!
Half of the Celebrity Hunted contestants would have a head start because I’ve never seen them before in my life.
Has anyone gone to Italy and not gained a minimum of 15lbs, even if only on an airport stop-over?
I’m just gonna lasagna sofa and do nothing else. (Apart from write a stressful live blog.)
Wish I had some of those lush M&S Jaffas. They’re iconoclastic rectangles, if memory serves.
Good to have you present and correct, orbitalgirl! Are we all pyjama’d up, or is anyone playing dress up? Bow ties would fit the pasta theme I guess.
Open your mouth, to receive the bingo:
- Sandi demonstrating a perfect Italian accent at any point, and Noel … not.
- Any kind of “Sicily/so silly” pun work from either of them.
- Prue declaring an entire country “not worth the calories”.
- Liam kissing the ring of his thumb and forefinger.
- Yan attempting some sort of Gelato Galileo Galilei.
neko99, we cannoli hope etc.
Also piping is rife with innuendo of its own, so it would be something of a double header.
Ah, Benjamin. Negative company is better than none, as I constantly remind my friends. Welcome!
Alorrrrra.
So, it’s Italian week; the first the show has seen. This is an unknown area, a delicious mystery. I hope contestants ride in on mopeds, wearing designer couture and necking espresso. Paul can be a Berlusconi figure mired in sex and financial scandal, and Noel can be Carla Bruni. Same hair.
Pretty much anything that is edible and from Italy can lay claim to being among humanity’s greatest achievements, so this week should be a treat. But which baker is on track to la dolce vita, and who will spicy meatballs it up?
We’ll find out from 8pm, so I hope you’ll join me here then to share speculation, innuendo and rampant food envy. Don’t leave me to do it all alone, I’ll be cannelloni.
See you shortly? Come on! Come on.
