Star baker is Kate!
Well there we go. The thoroughly well-deserved Star Bakersanship award goes to Kate, while, in a surprise to no one, Tom’s back on the sleeper to Edinburgh. Is he from Edinburgh? Who cares. He’s from somewhere, and he’s back there now. Thanks to all of you for the BTL bantz, armchair psychology and comments subsequently removed by a moderator.
I’m off to down some syrup to cut through all this caramel. Or maybe I’ll borrow some of Prue’s lemons; she looks like she’s always got a few on the go. Come say hello on twitter, facebook or Instagram. Or just wiretap my house, and log a transcript of all my calls. That’s the sort of world we voluntarily live in now, isn’t it.
See you next week!
Updated
I meant The OA, not the OC. Which makes a little more sense with her weird hand movements.
Sorry to all OC fans who I inadvertently just outed.
Don’t like rubber, eh Paul? Not what the tabloids would have us believe. Looking forward to puddings next week. Hell, I’m looking forward to pudding tonight. This mango is going out the window.
Updated
Poor Tom. Because he really did make a mess of it.”
Prue is also available for eulogies.
Noel, looking unfathomably like an Easter Island statue, announces star baker is...Kate!
Updated
“James didn’t put his caramel parts on the cake” seems ironic.
Alexa! Turn yourself off
Alexa! Clear my browsing history
Or Liam? I’d love it to be either.
It’s a milestone of ageing when you no longer understand Crunchy Nut adverts. I don’t understand most adverts these days, come to think of it.
Kate meanwhile performs brilliantly. They love her toffee apple bonfire night cake, and it looks like an explosion of childhood joy. She’s great at cakes is Kate. I think she might take this.
Tom’s effort is gluey, underdone and not caramel. Someone get his coat. Or cut to an ad.
Updated
Steven’s crown – a symbol of his o’erweening ambition – is stodgy and too full of itself. A parable as much as a cake.
Do you really think Paul holds him to a higher standard? Maybe the producers told him too, else he seems like too much of a choux-in.
Yan’s cake belongs in Tate Modern, though her sponge is tough.
Mad Julia’s hand movements are very reminiscent of The O.C. if you watched that, which I assume you didn’t.
James cake is rubbery – bad sign – while Liam’s trendy dripping and strong flavours unite Prue and Paul. Spice Boy’s coming into his own, isn’t he?
Judging time! Sophie has done superbly, both in appearance and flavour. Paul is getting his Henry VIII on this week, downing a sugar egg filled with salted caramel, as Prue looks like she’s about to lose her lunch.
Missing Middleton and her Miraculous Mirror Glaze
Does anyone like Steven more as a result of this week’s revelations? A joyless monarchist with textural knowledge of old ladies’ hair?
Please write in and let us know, in the interests of balance.
LET ME KNOW
Right, North Korea. I haven’t checked the news but presume everything is going well, and our heads of state are conducting themselves with dignity, yes?
How do we feel about Stressy Stace this week?
“It’s not as much of an erection as I wanted it to be.” Welcome to the club, Stacey.
But seriously, if you’re going with that kind of material, don’t waste it on Prue. She’s the icy plunge pool of steamy bantz.
Tinyismynewt, Noel and Steven heard your enquiry about male grooming and are chipping in!
FYI, every man knows his rate of growth and has a mental beard calendar interacting with their social one. You’re welcome.
That spin spin sugar work looks amazing and delicate. Like a butterfly’s dream. These guys know what they’re doing with showstoppers.
“The royal family are my second family.” EEUURRGH. Steven is the Gary Barlow of the show. I KNOW HE WRITES ALL THE SONGS. I don’t have to like him.
“The focus for me is solely on caramel,” expresses Steven without taking his eyes off his work. He reminds me of Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV, the scientifically-engineered super-fighter who was so focused he sounded like he was on Mogadon.
James is “back in with number two” like a man with Delhi belly. He is faintly adorable.
Tom or James? Who’s going home? Gotta be one of them, right? Advertisers hoping it’s the latter.
Yan’s tiger-stripe rainforest cake apparently has a caramel waterfall and biologically accurate micro-flora, with edible explorers making an anthropological field trip probably, and sounds intense. I hope she pulls that off.
Cut to an ad!
Feeling a bit sick with all this caramel. Tom’s banana and pineapple cake with passionfruit cream sounds almost savoury in comparison.
Haven’t touched my mango.
Poor James gamely explaining his six-element sponge, only to have everyone dissolve in laughter when he gets to the bit about “dipping his nuts in caramel.”
Can you tell dentistry is on my mind?
Showstopper: caramel cake
When was the last time you visited the dental hygienist?
Unlike MJ, none of them were able to muster a smooth, smooth caramel.
(Annie is not okay with it.)
I agree with y’all, the instructionless, Marathon Man sadistry of that technical was a bit unfair.
Talking sandwich in the Subway ad. Singing cupcake in the Dr.Oetker ad. What is with the anthropomorphised comestibles? It’s a sickness I tell you.
I didn’t know you all love the history bits so much. I feel like the David Irving of baking commentators.
Didn’t she win technical last week? Maybe it’s like that episode of Father Ted where the plane is about to crash, and Ted finds himself weirdly calm and capable. “I’m always expecting everything to go wrong anyway, so when it does, it’s a kind of relief.” Deep.
Is that the worst technical in Bake Off history? No one achieved the brief. So there’s nothing to really play for here. Still: star baker Julia proudly claims her last place, Yan just ahead of her. Liam and James make the “winner’s” podium, leaving Stacey to hoist the tarnished, dusty cup. Well done!
Judging time. Wow, they are effing this one up. Everyone’s efforts so far are too grainy. “Can none of you get caramel right?” enquires Prue, her Trunchbull turned up to 11.
I’ve sort of gone off Steven. He’s seeming a bit like one of those fun-sponge high achievers, a bit “I like messing around too guys, but we’re here to do a job so why don’t we just get our heads down and do it?”
What do you guys think?
Updated
“I am always Russian in this tent,” laments Sophie before a quick cut to Julia.
Oh, I think I definitely misheard her.
Okay, a Selasi moment every week, tinyismynewt. We’ll keep a highly Selasi eye open.
Noel pratfalls over a low hedge, signalling the unwelcome return of the historical vignette. Is this episode going to finish at midnight? Anyone for a cup of tea and a stroopwafel?
“Absolutely rank,” decides Julia, unless I’m mishearing her. She then ululates and trills like a saltwater frog. She’s madder than a box of them. Adorable.
That must be the filthiest thing ever heard pre-watershed.
“I’ve never used a yeasted product that I haven’t kneaded.” Steven. You and me both, Steven.
“You have to go low and slow” advises Prue ‘Snoop’ Leith.
Prue’s chosen them because no one will have made them before, they’re counter-intuitive and the bakers will only have one chance to get it right. “Oh, you are cruel,” says Paul admiringly, realising he has until now been a mere apprentice in the arts of evil.
Oh they’re the flat, dense Dutch waffles you put on top of hot drinks. Like a reverse coaster. I friggin’ love a stroopwafel.
Technical challenge: stroopwafels
Didn’t they destroy most of our cities in the war?
Are we caramel enough? #GBBO #CaramelWeek @cakesmyth pic.twitter.com/c06koWwVO5
— Selasi Gbormittah (@selasigb) September 19, 2017
A deftly plotted racial minefeld
Liam has made Tetris-themed shortbread for no reason at all, and earns a Hollywood handshake and a Toksvig 5. Go on, Liam! “Well done,” smiles Prue through gritted teeth, clearly thinking “Spare the rod and spoil the child, spare the rod and spoil the child…”
They really do not agree on anything, do they?
Cut to an ad!
Steven’s hockey pucks divide the judges – Prue loves the bitterness, because “I don’t like sweet things.” Who would have thought, eh.
He admires Yan’s flavours, but Prue is staying on-message. “I don’t like any of it.”
Julia trying not to laugh when Paul points out her bulging lips. She’s obviously made him Caramel Week at the knees.
Judging time! Kate impresses with her aromatic caramel, while Prue describes James’ effort as “a little unpleasant.” She’s not Encouraging Auntie, is she?
Lola_Spice I love the idea of a spiteful, targeted ad break whenever Tom starts talking. Much potential here.
I also have the dentist tomorrow, bewilderedpenguin! Are we chipped filling bredren?
Ceramic doughnuts with a chipped filling are definitely not good for your teeth.
Tom from the last series told me [WHEN WE WERE HANGING OUT KLAXON] that no one really appreciates quite how hot it gets in that tent. Sounds like it’s going to be a nightmare for these guys with the melty caramel. This could get messy.
LOVE Liam putting his hand up to ask a question, like they’re all still in school. I miss school. Hated it at the time.
Tom’s caramel has split! And he’s from Scotland. They may close Hadrian’s Wall to him.
The Missing Middleton and her acetate collars, cooling in a bowl of ice. Didn’t mean that to sound quite so like a Cluedo accusation.
Love it when someone points out ‘your stress sheen.’ Always a big help, I find.
Maybe, bay be a Roman road, leading to the Star Baker wreath?
Kate meanwhile is using bay to cut down the sweetness of her caramel, because in Roman times bay symbolised wealth. A la millionaire’s shortbread. I love the way she thinks!
Unlike everyone else, Yan is not using a thermometer to gauge her caramel. The molecular biologist is turning away from science! Is there method in her madness, or the other way round? This is going to be interesting. Has she swapped personalities with Kate?
Updated
Wow. Paul looks up to the ceiling when he swigs from a bottle of booze, like a businessman alone with a hotel mini-bar, trapped inside his life. That’s a hell of a technique.
“I like the rum,” he decides.
Kate’s putting in ‘likwid gloocows.’ Muscling in on Yan territory?
Bakers are boiling their caramel as long as they can to colour it, without burning. “You’re basically playing caramel chicken. Which sounds delicious.” – Yan, obviously.
James has “gone back to [his] American roots.” Lol. Those three years in Chicago didn’t really rub off on him, did they? He’s essentially a character from Thomas the Tank Engine. Or the Essex Hitchcock.
“They could put rum in it,” – Prue. COULD THEY NOW.
Sounds very similar to when I tell my friends, “You could bring round a bottle of something and a box of Maltesers, it’s up to you.”
Sophie rolling her pin over chopsticks, as a guide rail to control depth. That is pure genius. Does anyone else do that? My kitchen-tricks nose is aroused.
Updated
Making caramel is an absolute bastard, isn’t it. I’ve ruined multiple pans with it. They weren’t even my pans.
Heyerette, your cousin’s way with a Twix straw is dark genius. It’s the forbidden experiment, like letting children be raised by wolves.
Signature challenge: millionaire’s shortbread
Fun fact: Paul is a millionaire and loves bread, but is apparently quite tall.
Is it just me or do the baker’s not all look a little fuller in the face after practicing with caramel for a week? It suits them. It’s usually haggard o’clock for some of them by this stage.
“Julia’s stunning toadstool and snail.” Why isn’t he calling a spade an enormous tool?
Bloody hell, are you ALL in your pyjamas tonight? I know I am. Autumn is here.
CRYSTAL MAZE! Plus Richard Ayoade. A perfect conjunction. I’ll be watching that for sure.
Ooh here we go...
I wonder if she’ll lay into Julia this week to recreate the drubbing, from the past. Using the power of Science?
I’ve eaten all my caramel treats and only have cubes of mango left. Awful.
Evening all! I bet Yan will be torn between Bake Off and the women’s world cup qualifier against Russia. Last time I looked, England were up 4-0. But er, don’t turn over.
Would you care to bingo? I should coco.
- Noel covering himself in caramel, immediate regret.
- Prue smacking someone’s hands with a ruler.
- Julia “innocently” baking a set of tits.
- Steven on a couch, talking about his father.
- Liam unsure if he’s having a laugh or a nightmare.
Caramel, let me count the ways I love you. There are three: salted caramel, caramelised onions and Twix. I’m pretty sure onions don’t count, so I’m hoping to learn some new tricks tonight. What will the bakers make of the new theme? Who will walk out a finger-lickin’ victor, and who will meet a sticky end?
I hope you’ll join me here, so we can watch the show together, sharing innuendo, gossip, and rabid partisanship. It’s like a regular liveblog, with a spoonful of baking soda thrown on top. See you at 8pm!
