Secretsquirrel he may have been coasting, but it was a pleasure cruise for the rest of us. But point taken- it was his time to go.
Thanks all of you for the insights and zingers and communal sobs below. So who do we like for the final? Argue it out and come back to me with a unanimous verdict, please. Like 12 angry men but drunker and gender-mixed.
I will see you all here next week for...the big one. The final final as we know it. In the meantime say hello on twitter or Insta or in real life. Unless I’m sat in a parked car staring very intently at a building, in which case leave me the hell alone.
See you next week, guys!
x
Having said that his fondants did look like cubic diabetes.
Andrew wins
A flurry of pseudo French from Mel to announce Andrew has done it!
But Selasi goes home. Oh god, the tears started early and no one would begrudge them. Splendid, says Selasi of his experience. He really was.
Hmm. Do we think Andrew- currently 6 years old- can take this and graduate to long trousers? Jane’s fondants look like she dropped Lego in Pepto-Bismol, but she’s baked the elements perfectly. Or do we think Candice has edged this? Four star bakerships would make her outright favourite for the big prize. I’m almost too sad to care. Almost.
Oh, the look in Selasi’s eyes as he’s knows he’s going home. “Maybe don’t try the icing.” Hahaha! Oh, I’m gonna miss the hell out of him. You were a prince, Selasi.
Okay, moving on.
Oh.
Go out in style Selasi. Finish Mary’s sentence or something. I hope these are good. I need them to be.
Judging time! Candice’s little piano – where did she get a little piano? – is so pretty. Her flavours are great too. “Nowt wrong wi’ that,” applauds Mary, briefly possessed by the spirit of Geoffrey Boycott.
“My fondant’s just oozing” mourns Andrew. Come on man, those words are too ridiculous and/or suggestive to fill with that kind of emotion. Be like Selasi. Man is just chucking random fruits and piping at it with less than five minutes to go. He’s McGuyvering the hell out of these bastard little cakes.
I’m starting to feel emotional though. Here come the judges.
How do you even get into the bake off tent without sieving flour??!! #GBBO
— Gearóidín McEvoy (@GaRoDean) October 19, 2016
By being...Highly.
This is messy. Like someone let a chimp loose in the art room messy. Jane’s bench looks like a Pollock. Candice is creating clouds of icing sugar like a David Copperfield stage show. Andrew has wads of loo roll everywhere. Fondants? Fun don’ts, more like. I don’t know what that means.
Candice just refered to herself as ‘CB’. The pouty illeist. I tried to get people to call me R-Dog for a time, but it didn’t take. It’s just not how nicknames work.
Selasi is allowed though. He just referred to himself as ‘the baking athlete’ when he is objectively doing the worst he’s ever done. I love him.
Hahaha! Yes, Andrew is somehow getting younger each week, AngryCymraeg. He Benjamin Choclate Button-ing this tent. Candice’s pop your cherry surprise fondants are shaping up nicely. I also liked her palmiers. But I have the feeling Jane is gonna take star baker this week? She has the -ahem- confidence.
“I’ve never sieved my flour.” Oh, FFS. DRINK.
COME ON SELASI. DON’T SCREW THIS.
‘Selasi – saverin in silence’ is a LOL unto the highest heaven, Hcollider.
Andrew’s making philharmonic fondants, to follow up his musical stave-shaped palmiers. “Because of my love of music.” Ah yes, that famous love of music he’s always going on about, in this one episode. What was wrong with citing engineering every eight seconds, and making Pythagorean meringues? He’s trying to have his cake and eat it. I guess he’s in the right place.
“Do well.” Mel correctly picks up on Paul’s advice being once again as useful as a Findus crispy pancake in a DVD player.
Showstopper – fondant fancies
Bakers have to make 36 fondant fancies, of two types. Genoese sponge, buttercream and glossy fondant. Countdown to Selasi telling us he’s never made a fondant, or filling his with shaving foam or something. I have a bad feeling.
(Or maybe don’t. Someone got in touch with me to tell me they think Jane looks like Rocky the principal chicken from Chicken Run, voiced by Mel Gibson. Outré, but I’ll update the dossier.)
Jane wins! Candice congratulates her, in the most mournful voice ever broadcast. Like she’s thanking the vet who put her puppy to sleep. “How did I do that?” fizzes Jane. You did it by being an exceptionally experienced baker. Take the mask off, Jane. Let us see your true form.
Jane wins!
Candice and Andrew are underproved and overdone, but boozy enough for Mary. Jane’s is similar, though Mary picks up on her meth shards. Meanwhile Selasi’s membranous orange sets off the Selasi Come Home-omometer, and my nerves on edge.
Jane seems to be losing a few fans amongst you lot tonight, though?
Come on Selasi. Come on. Do this for me.
Oh no.
Judging time on the yeasted rings of doom!
Generous Paul is going to allow for melting cream. It’s fair enough, the bakers can’t exactly control the climate. (Oh, APART from mitigating their carbon-rich western lifestyles, yeah? But there probably isn’t time in the next four minutes.)
Hmm. The plot thickens, unlike Jane’s caramel. Everyone else has mastered the technique – hers has crystallised. Is she cooking crystal meth? Get her an RV and a gas mask, because she’s Baking Bad.
“It comes as no surprise to anybody that I’m having another go at caramel.” Jane, I have no idea what you think we think about your caramel prowess. Stop presupposing familiarity that doesn’t exist. It’s like walking into Starbucks and ordering “my usual.”
Candice has no time for Sapphic distraction, because she has a plan for savarin. She seems to be on top of all these steps – the rise, the liquor baste, the fruit detail. Sue towels down Selasi, wearing a jacket emblazoned “Happy.” I agree Butterfly, Benjamina would have been good at this stuff.
“Jane that looks good.” -Andrew. But what’s he talking about? (Okay I’ll stop this now.)
Updated
Candice and Mel embrace, heedless of the risks of chocolate transference. Candice and Mel, eh? HUBBA. The flirty train is packed this week. But there’s room for all. Get comfy.
PIPING! Selasi, it’s piping! You’re good at that! Don’t lose heart brave steed, you got this. The key to pipin’ is chillin’.
Jane and Andrewww? Okay, no, I can get on board with that.
“You know how good I am at caramel,” Jane tries her faux-deprecatory schtick. No we don’t know, Jane. We assume … very good? Andrew’s lack of confidence is far more plausible. Last time he inadvertently made a diorama of bareback knights jousting with their dongs. Do you remember?
Is drawing a 7cm oval the hardest bit of this challenge? According to Jane, yes.
Oh I see, it’s very hot in the tent. (Apologies Mary, for implying you were intoxicated on rum-fingers.) Sue mops Selasi’s brow and keeps the handkerchief. Ebay’s a calling.
Selasi isn’t beating, Jane is using a dough hook, Candice is melting butter, Andrew’s doing it all in one bowl. At least we’re going to get some … variety.
Informal how do you know Andrew will win? Do you have *rubs hands* insider info?
And Selasi hasn’t made it before, unsurprisingly. Drink to that for -sob- maybe the last time?
It’s apparently a yeasty booze cake. Weirdly, Mary loves it, and starts babbling on about the weather.
Technical challenge – savarin?
Savarin? Savlon on? Swarfega fever? What is this? Drink, anyway.
“Paul, I think you have an appointment at Banalities ‘R’ Us.” Sue responding to Paul’s underwhelming advice for the technical. She is on amazing, inflammatory form this week.
Andrew pulls it off
Jane – underdone and oily. Candice – ill-defined but beautiful flavouring. Selasi is … Selasi. Andrew’s are way better than expected. “That crumb outside you thought would dry it out … hasn’t,” says Mary. You said that Mary! You said they were raspings!
Can we keep an eye on this?
Paul doesn't have the necessary vowel range to say palmier so can he stop please #GBBO
— jcgregß (@jcgregs) October 19, 2016
3 second rule El? I have a 3 day rule. Even in other people’s houses.
Ooh, it’s judging time.
Sue’s deffo trying to ramp up the anxiety and competition in the tent. She knows telly.
Jane admonishing her bakes “cook little palmiers, cook” in a sing-song voice was chilling. Like the Childcatcher brandishing a rolling pin.
Too many batches? One of Jane’s batches is uncooked. “I don’t want to dish up raw pastry,” she says. No Jane, you don’t. That … that’s pretty basic. Never thought I’d say this, but aim a little higher.
I’ll leave this here.
“You without lipstick is not right”
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) October 19, 2016
💄💄💄💄💄💄💄💄 #GBBO pic.twitter.com/BvLeFQYriJ
The phrase ‘pure Darwininian level’ and GBBO don’t really match. Tension-crank = DRINK
Jane appears to have put through seven batches while everyone is on their first and Andrew has started again. She’s looking strong.
“I’m just rolling my nuts,” winks Candice, but her heart wasn’t really in it.
Mel making Selasi feel bad for his “I’ll leave the crying to Andrew quip.” I think that counts as a DRINK.
Andrew’s starting again. Selasi’s helping him. AWWW BOYS.
Did anyone find Mel applying Candice’s lipstick deeply erotic? No me either, I’m just saying some people might. Leave me alone.
What am I talking about, that’s obviously very offensive.
Selasi is finishing Mary’s sentences and taking over Sue’s announcements. He’s bringing the game to them, and they love it. Sue accuses him of “winging it” and he just laughs like a charming bear who would never use his claws. By god, let him stay tonight. No offence Andrew, but you need to get gone.
Hahahahaha! I love him so so much.
I like Candice too, don’t worry! I’m merely amping up the horseplay. But OMG did you hear that KICK OFF between Jane and Candice? From that exchange it seems like Jane actually has CCTV cameras trailed on Candice’s bench to keep a constant eye on what she’s up to. “I CAN HEAR YOU WHISPERING,” Candice flares up, like a con accused of snitching. “Bit of a rivalry going on,” Jane explains, unnecessarily.
Andrew is making a dry palmier with the wrong flour, and dry ingredients. Such as breadcrumbs, or so he thinks. “Those are raspings,” contradicts Mary, and I have never heard that word delivered so cuttingly. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard that word.
Sue describes Jane’s pastry flowers as “a sort of puffy hand”. Jane corrects her, smiling like a wolf on a leash.
Selasi says the “key to puff is chillin’”. It’s the key to everything Selasi undertakes. Imagine being so laidback you call puff pastry “puff”.
Andrew thinks Jane and Candice are the ones to beat. No arguments here. Do we have any Andrew lovers in tonight? Jane’s goat cheese and parma ham palmiers sound delish, though she’s not confident. But for context, people on Twitter have characterised Jane as “the kid who says she hasn’t done the homework, then whips out a 10-page essay in class”. Nailed.
“Paul only uses strong flour” because he’s the silverback of sourdough. Come on Hollywood. That’s not what masculinity looks like now. Selasi in a dress – that’s where it’s at.
Selasi admitting he’s never previously made a dish already! Mary Berry saying “laaaaairs”. DRINK. DRINK. We may need backup booze. Plus Candice saying ‘soggy palmiers’ is definitely on a card somewhere.
Signature challenge – palmiers
DRINK!
It’s nice, all this pretend-French, isn’t it? French is one of the best languages to pretend to speak. Swedish also satisfying. Japanese gets you in trouble, I’ve found.
Anyway, the bakers are making palmiers. What are they? Superintendent Google informs me they are those nice flaky butterfly shaped biscuit whorls you can buy in IKEA or Tiger. And probably some less budget shops too, but I don’t really know about those.
Having said that, her dress is lovely. They all look very well styled tonight. And I like Mel’s bolo-style...noose?
Brilliant black-and-white arthouse homage from Mel and Sue for the intro. Candice wishes everyone luck before the first challenge. Yeah right, Candice. I’ve wished people luck before, I know what that means. I HOPE YOU DON’T SQUASH YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU FALL ON YOUR FACE.
Good to see Candice has grasped what a semi-final is.
Selasi just said he’ll wear a dress if he makes the final. LET HIM MAKE THE FINAL. Less than a minute in and he’s won me back. If he goes tonight, petition for a referendum? We love referenda, right?
Here we go! According to the continuity announcer, it’s gonna get messy, and I assume she means our feelings.
Neil- Andrew mentioning engineering is on the laminated bingo that applies to every episode. The rules are Byzantine and inflexible round these parts.
And obviously if Selasi goes tonight then down whatever is left in your glass/bottle/house.
Semi-serious bingo:
- Selasi admitting he’s never made whatever he’s making, and not seeing this as a problem.
- Paul choosing a technical challenge in another language.
- Mary demonstrating any word/sentence in RP so cut glass it makes the Queen sound like Nora Batty.
- Candice expressing any emotion with her lips first.
- Any attempt to artificially amp up the tension amongst these essentially very nice people.
That lot should get us sozzled.
Hubert! This is defeatist talking. There’s always space for drink, especially before a funeral.
With that in mind, let me see if I can come up with a more tipsiness-inducing ‘serious’ bingo...
It’s the bingo! Hear me now:
- Guilty Selasi turns a new leaf, discovers it’s the same as the old leaf.
- Andrew sets up a perimeter cordon round his showstopper.
- Jane uses butter wrapper to grease Candice’s path.
- Mary Berry hiding ‘a little tipple’ in her hair like Marge Simpson.
- Cash-strapped Beeb convert unused marquee space into flats.
Finally, I’m not the only one with a semi on for cakes. This is the last elimination round before the final, and like a Himalayan BBQ, the stakes are high. There are three extremely talented bakers duking it out tonight, plus Selasi, who’ll probably win.
This week, the bakers navigate the oily waters of patisserie creation. Think laminated doughs, cream horns, and pretty little pastry nothings that will murder your figure with a sugary kiss. Yeah, I’ve been burned.
Anyway, we’ll be charting the highs and lows right here at 8pm, and I’d be very happy if you join our happy band below the line! Expect strudel lust, insalubrious and unfounded gossip, and a close examination of Mary Berry’s wardrobe. It helps to be drunk.
BAKING VOYEURS, ASSEMBLE (at 8.)
