Candice wins GBBO 2016!
Oh CANDICE WINS!
I‘m meant to make a bigger deal of that. But as discussed, I need the toilet very badly.
All good things come to an end. And all bad things. Everything dies, that’s what I’m saying. I didn’t want that to be the last notable thing I said on here. But what the hell.
Anyway, you people have been magnificent. Thanks for being so supportive, and welcoming me in. Get yourselves over to the incredible Heidi’s Strictly blog, where she continues to do all of this backwards, in heels.
I’ll resume my Inspect A Gadget ‘job’, and will mainly be procrastinating on twitter, so come say hi there, or on Instant Gran, or in real life. Unless I’m gesticulating wildly at passing cars, in which case I’m busy.
Goodbye, you soggy bottoms. Miss you
x
“Candice and Jane are planning a baking road trip together...”
Thelma And Genoise...
MikeMoonlight I’m giving you the last word here because that is unbeatable. And sums up how funny and lovely this community is, you BTL heroes. They said it couldn’t happen on the internet. We proved it can, as long as you hide the destination url, so it’s occasionally difficult to find!
“If at first you don’t succeed, try another two times so that your failure is statistically significant”. Aratan this is magnificent, nihilistic-statistician’s advice. I like.
I’m gonna miss you people very much. I’ll just chuck that on the GBBO sadness pile, which is already towering.
Smart move BBC, hooking us with that Sherlock trailer. Just when you thought you could have a little break from TV. Val as Moriarty is inspired, HCollider. Also you’ve been to a royal garden party? Did you steal anything?
You’re right AngerDiscussed, I would way rather watch Selasi on a motorbike than Ewan McGregor, running over salmon in Yemen.
Jane and Candice are going on a baking road trip! Ahh! Why? What even is that? I hope their rooms are on different floors.
I read a Sherlock Holmes story where a dude killed another dude by feeding a little snake through the air vent. I’m just saying that, apropos of nothing.
Val in Ayia Napa! I cannot deal.
‘I predicted it! DAMNIT.’ Jane being...Jane.
Of course it’s Candice! Look at her apron. It look like it’s stained with the blood of her foes!
But well done, CB! She really is an artist, and I consistently wanted to eat her creations right off the screen. In fact I invalidated my TV warranty for that very reason.
Here we go...
Andrew’s mum is wearing such green. Purest green, my lord. Because they’re Irish.
Hmm. So what do we think? Candice’s scone was her only weakness, but they all shared that. She was the only one to achieve the pastry bake. Personally I preferred Andrew’s presentation. But the good money must be on the PE teacher. They’re a very competitive people.
Nailed it, CB. And no flour on the dress or nuffink. What a pro.
Jane leaning forward as Paul tastes Candice’s chocolate cake. “Let there be spiders in it,” she thinks. “A sac of spiders, dipped in Marmite.”
Candice knows she’s got this, doesn’t she. She can feel it in her marrow.
Laiiiiirs! I forgot about laiiirs.
Jane’s colourful picnic is also collarless, and she has a few raw pastry issues, and one can see the dream fading in her eyes. Andrew falls down in the same areas, though his presentation is immaculate. Did you see the candy-striped interior of that quiche? He’s the Steve Jobs of soggy bottoms. But this is Candice’s for the taking, if she can avoid errors.
Gott abe Candice right? Jane and Andrew have both screwed the pooch. Not literally. Andrew’s cake is proper gorgeous though. He can still do this!
When you think you’ve exhausted vaguely disobliging lookalikes, the people always have more to give pt2
Andrew to win #GBBOFinal pic.twitter.com/UTQu3Q9az0
— Katie Weasel (@KatieWeasel) October 26, 2016
Deep cut, Tamal. #musonod
Hope the closing music to this final is Goodbye by the Spice Girls as Paul, Mary, Mel&Sue walk into the sunset holding hands #GBBOFinal
— Tamal Ray (@DrRayBakes) October 26, 2016
Mary thinks the Queen would love Jane’s colourful picnic. Come on Bez, as if the Queen isn’t a quasi-fictional and unknowable entity. We have no way of knowing what she makes of quiche.
Seriously it looks like someone went on a credit card spree in M&S.
Judges await, for the final time. The baker’s benches are groaning with produce. They have outdone themselves.
How are you people doing, emotions wise? Try not to think about death!
I feel sad for Jane that her choc collar didn’t work, for the second time. But that’s what happens when you try and prove things to yourself. My motto: if at first you don’t succeed, do something else.
RedGiant it’s okay! I keep zoning out and just watching, too.
Jane’s overchilled her chocolate collar. Not a sentence you hear everyday. Do you remember when she tattooed that cake?
Andrew just said “screw the measurements.” Woah. We are going over the top, people.
THAT is who Kate is, Reg you heathen. The garden party is coming together. Louise! Kate! Benjamina! I can’t handle it. Hello, old friends!
Everyone being very diplomatic about who they think will win, until Val: “Candice.”
Oh my god, Jane is actually having a breakdown. Who is she talking to? Why is she doing that little voice? Her slipping grip on sanity endears her to me quite a lot.
12.09, Sue comes in to ask Andrew inane questions about what he’s doing. “Andrew, what are you doing?”
I love Sue. She’s the best Sue there is, isn’t she? I guess Aung San Suu Kyi, she’s also good. They’re the main two.
Howard Waller, chapeau. Not one episode missed? What was your highlight?
Jane’s Anita Dobson days were wild, judging by her family snaps.
What was her dad’s comment, Tuityfruity? ‘She’s my daughter.’ Something guarded and factual like that, I think. DO you think CB was just out of shot with a electric cat o’ nine tails?
Andrew missed his own graduation because he was baking? That is simultaneously the most punk and the most twee stance ever taken. #TheAndrewStraddle
I can’t believe this is the last time the show as we know it will be with us. Sue having great fun ripping it with Andrew’s spreadsheet.
What have been your favourite moments of the last seven years? And was anyone watching the first series? What the hell was that like? Tell me below.
Double moist! Moisten those lips with a Baileys.
Candice is making chocolate orange and cardamom cake, as well. Pour one out for Rav! Miss him. I miss all of them.
*hits the Celine* *It’s all coming back to me now*
Also her little pig-shaped sausage rolls sound like an abomination unto the lord, but quite a cute one. I recently saw a hot dog truck and the cartoon on the side was a talking hotdog with a big grin, inviting customers in. To eat him? It’s pretty dark when you think about it, and that’s what I think about Candice’s pig rolls.
Candice’s entire family appear on screen, and speak! That’s very nice. Now, go to your neighbour’s house, find all the alcohol in it, and chuck it back.
But then again, spreadsheet.
Andrew has a colour-coded spreadsheet! Find all the alcohol in your house and consume it. This complex showstopper should be right in Candice’s wheelhouse. Anyone who’s been honing their simple bakes alone would be sunk here. She’s been pushing the boat all series, so should stay afloat.
I love the cutaways to the contestants listening to Mel and Sue. Jane and Andrew look like they’re being given directions to the post office, Candice arches her brows and purses her lips like someone’s whispering a naughty secret in her ear. “Mini-quiches, you say? She never. How many times? 12?”
Showstopper – a Royal picnic
Oh wow. Bakers have to make 49 picnic items: chocolate cake, 12 puff pastry sausage rolls, 12 mini quiches, 12 savoury scones and 12 fruit and custard tarts. “You’ve got 20 minutes!” ad-libs Sue. Mel and Sue feel like they’re really enjoying themselves, which makes this whole experience more bittersweet than one of Jane’s caramels.
Mel and Sue debate the Roman Clasp, Paul’s double-handed salute to Jane. What does it mean? Nothing, he says. More mind games at Jane’s expense?
The Andrew swell continues. Go on my red faced little son.
Bless Andrews little red cheeks 😊 #GBBOFinal
— fearne cotton (@Fearnecotton) October 26, 2016
Also can someone confirm whether Andrew is actually wearing shorts? I saw a flash of something very pale and it wasn’t underdone sponge. I hope we get to the finish line before he Benjamin Buttons back to the womb.
Andrew takes it!
Judging time. Candice reacts to Paul deciding her jam is runny as if she’s come back from the doctor with bad news. Jane similarly looks like she wants to bring down the government due to a gluey jam and soft buttercream. Andrew’s even bake and silky buttercream takes the prize! Yes Andrew! We’ve got a game on our hands.
Jane as Hyacinth Bucket? A late entry to the look-a-like competition, but a strong one Hubert.
You all agree. Let’s get to Selasi’s as soon as this is over.
Wait, Jane is last? Wow. How’s she going to handle being the actual underdog?
Great shot of Jane looking dismayed at Candice’s fairytale icing sugar shower. Bring me that gif! As Andrew points out, there’s going to be more direct comparison here, as they’ve all made exactly the same thing.
Jane thinks she’s got this. “I think that looks yummy,” she says, apparently about her own sponge. This isn’t America! Here, when you’re delighted with your own creation, the correct response is “not too bad.” If you’re over the moon, you might stretch to “pretty good,” or “can’t complain,” the highest accolade in the British lexicon.
Jane nearly projects her cake off the counter when removing it from the oven, but quickly regains her smugly edge. “Mine are flatter than Candice’s!”
Andrew weighing his eggs. He’s weighing his batter. I love it when he sets all his timers going. He was always a wee Robin to Selasi’s Batman. Why did I mention the S-word, now I’m in bits.
I like how Mel’s favourite is obviously Andrew. They have a tete a tete where he unburdens his double handshake embarrassment. It’s good to talk.
Jane’s using the all-in-one method, “which is Mary’s favourite.” She also knew Paul-preferred techniques in bread week. You can’t say she’s not come prepared. But like all master criminals, she can’t resist showing us her workings. Will it be her downfall?
This makes my heart glad. Want to be there. (No offence guys. We can still see each other.)
Watching Bake Off at #Selasi 's - two handshakes lots of cheering here! #GBBOFinal
— Kate Barmby (@katebarmby) October 26, 2016
Oh the real twist is that they have no instructions at all.
Berry twist is a mean little twist! She can do me by the all in one method, or the creaming method. It’s all good.
Technical challenge – Victoria sandwich
After Mary’s cryptic technical advice, Sue sends her and Paul off to their “intimacy workshop,” I can feel prickly heat rising up the back of my legs as I’m bombarded with unbidden mental imagery.
She then advises the bakers their Victoria sandwiches will require a little twist, and tells them to take their clothes off. You don’t really get that on other shows.
Jane in pole position
Andrew’s ill-defined, melting crown is a subtle commentary on royal identity in a post-imperial age, but his praline’s too sweet, so nuts to him. Candice’s solid tower of meringue gets a Hollywood handshake! Which Jane is fine with. But then her “three layers of heaven,” tart peach topper and solid build get a double-clasp Hollywood handshake, and a slight bow. What is going on? Candice is totally fine with this. “He’s giving out handshakes willy-nilly! But no, Jane’s did look good.”
I think Jane’s bake looks like a microscopic close up of a centipede’s gaping maw, but Mary loves it. WAIT WHAT WAS THAT FROM PAUL
Let’s find out – judges step in. They’re gonna get more than three tears if Candice doesn’t win this, that’s all I’m saying.
What did Sue just say about keeping it on the head? Pretty much a single entendre. Classic.
Am I detecting a swell of love down there for Andrew and his “jelly jules”?
By down there I mean you guys, not my...downstairs area.
Jane’s trying to deal with her crack. Mel looks more nervous than Andrew. You know what I’m most worried about? How do you eat a 3ft meringue? If you cut into it it’s going to crumble, crack and ooze everywhere. Even cutting up birthday sponge cake to hand around stresses me out. I usually claim religious exemption.
For some reason Paul likes psyching out Jane the most. He’s always just … hanging around, with that look in his eye like a customs official going through a divorce. Ignore him, Jane.
Candice is listening to her meringues, because Jane told her to. Come on Candice! Don’t fall for that old chestnut! Jane will probably ask her to wait in for a delivery of tartan paint next, so she misses the technical.
Andrew’s freed his jelly jewels but is now bent over double, on “crack watch”. And he just announced “I’m coming out,” in regard to his meringues. After last week’s fondant straddle, I think we’ve underestimated his innuendo potential. When Candice gets her crown out of the oven, I expect Andrew to wear it.
Andrew has used the wrong side of the baking paper, which means his nuts are stuck to the surface. None of which is helping me get over his “jellied jewels”.
Is Jane sponsored by The Patriotic Alliance this week? It’s like she’s on commission. Surprised she’s not wearing an England shirt.
“My engineering credentials.” Andrew absolutely on brand, which means you all need to take a drink right now. Even if it’s tea. I don’t care.
Wait WHAT are those silicone boobs Candice is baking on? Even her cookware is suggestive. Andrew’s had a few collapses with his Jubilee crown before so eek! Still, there’s something about the phrase “cassis jelly jewels” I find absolutely tickling.
I heard prosecco, mango, gold-dusted physalis and something about necromancing the spirit of Queen Victoria. I don’t understand it, but she’s baking it. Go on, Candice!
Oh I forgot, Candice “going a little bit further” should be on the bingo card, so just drink anyway.
Andrew’s introducing muscovado for its caramel flavour. Finally, a bit of brown! I like Andrew. Jane wants her pavlova “as white as possible.”
I really hope she serves her patriot meringue in the jaws of a British bulldog wearing a knotted hankie on its head like it’s at the seaside.
Jane’s husband is called Ray? Hmm. I guess that’s fine. Just never saw her with a Ray. She’s making a red, white and blue crown (just in case the title of the show doesn’t give you a big enough clue about where it’s from.)
Jane’s blouse is nice but sort of looks like she rolled over the contents of her counter from patisserie week.
Thanks Hubert!
The Queen’s 90th birthday year has got what to do with meringues again, exactly? The show’s laying out serious royalist pretensions. I blame Nadiya – she’s always hanging out with her Madge now. Ooh, do you think the Queen is going to appear at the end? Like when she jumped out of that plane at the Olympics?
Signature challenge – meringue crown
Mel and Sue’s request for at least three layers of filled meringue big enough to crown the entire royal family sounds closer to showstopper territory. We’re definitely going out in style.
Candice’s highlights reel is a thing of beauty. Baking for 12 hours though? It’s been pointed out to me that if this is filmed over the summer and Candice works in a school, she has a LOT more holiday/free time to practise peacocks and pubs and whatnot than the others. Having said that, how strict can a gardening designer’s hours be? It’s just waiting for hollyhocks to bud. It’s Andrew I’m worried about. He’s an aerospace engineer, you know.
Candice is dressed for a funeral, albeit in an eye-catching way. She’s the sort of person that would dress sexy at a funeral. But she’d have made amazing sandwiches too, so no one would be able to say anything.
Oh god I feel sick.
Oh god. Here we go. Quick snatch of Selasi to get our engines started.
RegWhelk you’re right, let’s go out swinging, in our mourning weeds! No salting the dough with tears tonight.
Bublé at the BBC? I thought they want people to START paying the licence fee.
I agree with all of this, particularly R-Dog
@whatsamadder Afternoon R-Dog, any predictions for #gbbo tonight? I want Selasi to ignore last week and just turn up at the tent regardless
— Tombo (@Tombo_h) October 26, 2016
‘End of a madeira’: Avenueman you speak for all of us. Evening all. Because this whole tragedy will be a lot more fun if some of you are actually razzed, I hereby present the Laminated Bingo Card!
- Candice pouting.
- CB again, crowbarring in a family reference.
- Andrew mentioning he’s an engineer.
- Jane pretending she’s the underdog.
- Paul disrespectfully prodding a bake.
- The word moist.
- Also soggy bottom.
- Also Mel/Sue making a joke about going all the way
That should see us to hospital.
Candice, Andrew and Jane are the only gladiators standing. Each of them wants victory, and will stamp on the innards of their foes to snatch it. Which definitely sounds worth drinking to: here’s the bingo card!
- Jane winning the entire series and saying “Oh, thank you.”
- Jane and Candice fighting on the finish line while Andrew strolls to victory, like in a parable.
- Paul getting drunk, laying offensively large bets on who’s going to win.
- Mary snapping and calling Paul a silly boy.
- Candice wins, opens her mouth in shock to reveal there’s been a mouse in there the whole time trying to get out.
Guys. I know.
Before we commit this body to the ashes, let us draw a little closer. Join hands, if they’re not covered in flour. It’s time to say goodbye to some of TV’s most charming faces, and Paul Hollywood. The future is uncertain. But one thing is clear – tonight is the end of an era.
So, with the final final of the BBC’s crown jewel mere minutes away, let’s get ready for a good time. We come here not to bury Bake Off, but to parse it: for puns, innuendo, sartorial missteps and sugar highs to die for. I’ll be liveblogging the whole thing, and would love you to join in below the line for scurrilous gossip and inconsequential chatter. It’s what we won the war for.
Who will prevail? Will there be arguments, tears, a soggy bottom? Probably all three, as I’m not allowed a toilet break.
On that image, see you at 8!
