So that’s it for Week 2 – thank you everyone for joining in and being very funny as ever, make sure you come back for Bread Week next week.
I’m actually off on my holidays next Wednesday, squeezing in a break during what’s known as the ‘Strictly Gap’. So somebody else will be liveblogging Bake Off for the next three weeks. In the meantime you can find me on Twitter @heidistephens, or Instagram if you have any interest whatsoever in pictures of Spanish/French vistas and tipsy selfies.
See you on Saturday for the Strictly launch show liveblog (6.50pm BBC1), or back here in a few weeks! Cheers, Hx
It’s between Candice and Andrew for Star Baker – I want Andrew to win because he’s adorable. Val to go home, surely?
Star Baker this week is…CANDICE! And going home is…LOUISE! Oh, really? Should have been Val, surely? Poor Louise, the falling-down church was her downfall.
Candice needs a hand getting her gingerbread pub to the table, so asks Mel to carry her jugs. Poor Sue, missing innuendo treats like this. It looks brilliant, down to the ginger cake carpet. “Who wants to eat some carpet?” Asks Mel. “I’ll eat some carpet”, says Mary. This week’s GBBO is pure filth, and I love it.
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Kate’s looks lovely but her gingerbread doesn’t taste of ginger. Jane’s gingerbread is too soft, and Rav’s tastes a bit burned (hmm). Michael piping is less Santa’s workshop and more Satan’s cottage, but his gingerbread is the best yet. Selasi’s design is excellent, but needed more gingerbread. Louise’s bombed-out church looks terrible, but tastes good.
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The detail on Val’s Empire State is impressive, but lacks finish. However Val’s sister Susan tastes lovely, according to Paul *Harry Hill side-eye to camera*. Benjamina’s showstopper was a bit messy, but Tom’s tastes good.
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Andrew’s punting showstopper is rather lovely, and his gingerbread reminds Paul of his mum’s, which is apparently a good thing. Yay for Spreadsheet Andrew.
Louise’s church has now completely collapsed, as has Val’s cityscape. To make matters worse, the bakers have to carry their gingerbread stories to the front of the tent.
So much broken gingerbread going on right now, and I really hope Louise’s church isn’t a metaphor for her future marital happiness. Andrew’s and Selasi’s look pretty good, whilst Val’s New York looks like a scene out of Independence Day.
Remind me to never, ever attempt a gingerbread house.
“Fear is the mind killer. You’ve just got to go for it, and trust”, says Tom, who is clearly one of those terrible people who puts motivational quotes on Facebook. “You can practise as much as you like, but one little slip and your structure can just collapse” adds Michael, ominously. You’re making a house of biscuits, Michael, this isn’t open heart surgery.
Meanwhile, Candice’s walls have caved in.
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One hour to go! Kate is making caramel to glue her bits of gingerbread together, whilst Michael is making grey royal icing, which should never be a thing. Mel is apparently trying not to put the wind up Val, whilst pursuing her around the tent and reminding her how much she still has to do. Val looks like a meltdown might be incoming.
Paul and Mary are worried about Val. We’re all worried about Val, to be honest.
I love that Selasi is making stained glass church windows out of boiled sweets. Andrew is ticking stuff off a list, and Louise can smell burning. It’s one of Rav’s gingerbread trees, which appear to have been in a forest fire.
I feel like we need to know more about the story of Tom and Pod getting lost up a mountain. Is it like Uncle Bryn and Jason’s fishing trip in Gavin & Stacey?
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If I did this challenge, I’d make a shack of baking despair floating on a lake of my own tears, sprinkled with my crumbling self-esteem.
Tom’s structure tells the tale of when Tom and his best mate Pod got lost up a mountain, whilst Andrew is telling the story of his Cambridge days, punting on the Cam. Golly.
Kate is making a gingerbread brownie camp, because she’s entirely wholesome and lovely. Mary is trying to remember the brownie promise, while Val’s gingerbread is already too short for the template she’s made. I fear Val is not long for this tent.
Candice is making the pub she grew up in out of three different types of gingerbread, because she’ll never learn. Meanwhile Michael is making the day he met Santa in Lapland, bless him.
Val is making “New York via Yorkshire” out of gingerbread, whilst Louise is making her upcoming wedding day complete with bride, groom and bridesmaids (DRINK). Selasi is telling a story about the church in Ghana that he used to go to as a boy. Jane is making the Sussex town of Hastings out of biscuits, which is nice.
This is one of my favourite challenges, because they always look a bit shit, and suddenly we’re all experts on creating a family trip to the Taj Mahal out of crumbly food.
Selasi, Louise and Val are in trouble this week, whilst Kate, Andrew and Candice are all in the running for Star Baker. It’s all down to the Showstopper, which this week is a 3D gingerbread structure that tells a story about the baker. It needs to be at least 30cm high and include eight characters or objects. Crikey.
Selasi came bottom of this challenge, which he won’t be very happy about. Benjamina gets third, Jane second, and Kate wins this week’s Technical. And it didn’t even involve swallows.
Judging time! Tom’s have no whirl, but taste great. Candice’s needed longer in the oven, and Louise’s have been baked too long. Andrew’s are better, and Benjamina’s look lovely. Kate’s have great swirly definition, and they taste great too. Michael’s are flat, but Jane’s are pretty much perfect. Selasi’s are a shambles, and Val’s needed longer in the oven. Rav’s taste great but they’re too small.
Time to make the filling, apart from Michael, who is staring at his oven in a worried fashion. Val is trying not to drop her biscuits, and there are an awful lot of flat, non-whirly biscuits coming out of the oven. Even Selasi is having a shocker.
45 minutes remain, and piping is going a lot better for Michael now he has his warm hands on his bag. The recipe doesn’t give an oven temperature or a time, because Mary is evil.
Next step – piping 24 Viennese dog poos onto the baking trays. Selasi is happy with the stiffness of his batter, even though it looks like something the Viennese might use to concrete in a gatepost.
Jane confirms that it’s a stiff mixture, and hard to whirl successfully, because Jane wants us to know that she makes Viennese Whirls all the time. Selasi has put his back into the bowl to soften it up a bit, whilst Michael is giving his a quick spin in the microwave to soften things. Rav’s mixture is also too stiff, so Mel offers to put a warm hand on his bag. MEL.
The first instruction is “make jam”. I fear some of our bakers may turn to jelly at the first hurdle.
Selasi has made these before, which may be shitting himself in the foot. Oh, SHOOTING. That makes more sense.
It’s time for the Technical Challenge – this week the bakers have to make Viennese Whirls. Ooh, I’ve made this recipe of Mary’s, with mixed results. It involves fancy piping, so absolutely no pressure whatsoever.
Time for the historical interlude – this week it’s all about biscuit dunking. After last week’s Jaffa Cake dunking faux pas from Paul, I’m guessing this is for his educational benefit. I’m a Rich Tea dunker myself, anything else leaves crumbs in the tea that make me heave.
Time’s up! What will the judges make of this week’s Signature challenge? Michael’s pint biscuits are uniform and crispy, and Paul looks very happy. Michael’s honey flavoured bee biscuits are a bit soft, and taste a bit stale. Louise has had consistency issues, and are a bit like scones.
Benjamina’s biscuits get a thumbs up, but Jane’s are only half iced (killer death stare from Mary there). Val’s shortbread are piped poorly and there aren’t 24, and Candice’s taste amazing but “look hideous”. Selasi’s have lovely flavour and taste a bit different, but Rav’s finish is a bit clumsy and they taste like a Thai green curry, says Paul - no idea if that’s a good thing.
Jane’s lavender and bergamot biscuits get a thumbs up on flavour, but the icing is a “bit informal” - a gentle burn from Mary there. Tom’s win on flavour and texture, and he gets a handshake from Paul. Go Tom.
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Cue panic icing music as everyone runs around. Apart from Selasi, who is helping Louise because he is lovely and I love him.
Ten minutes to go. Selasi is cooler than a cool box full of cucumbers, everyone else is in a flap.
First batches of biscuits are out of the oven, and are being iced. Val is way behind, I’m not sure baking under pressure is really her thing. She throws a bunch on the floor, but scoops them up, presumably to ice them anyway.
Candice has to make 48 biscuits, because they have tops and bottoms. She also has a pug called Dennis, and is planning a different shade of lipstick for each week she’s on Bake Of. So that’s something to look forward to.
Biscuits are going into the oven, apart from Val who has only made eight so far. Louise has dropped all her biscuits on the floor, which made me do a tiny scream.
Benjamina is icing her chocolate and orange biscuits with flowers. Jane is also going for flowers, but they’re quite complicated and Paul is concerned.
Michael is making biscuits shaped like pints of beer, because he’s a student and wahey ladz banter, or something.
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Andrew is into musical theatre, and is making biscuits decorated with bees. I’m not sure how these two facts are related, but let’s go with it. Kate is making swallowtail butterfly biscuits, because she can’t bake anything that doesn’t involve swallows. Mary doesn’t look too impressed with her lavender and bergamot plan *gags*
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Val is making biscuits shaped like ice creams. She was quite poor as a child, apparently, so didn’t get ice creams apart from when they went to the seaside. Are we watching X Factor? *cue flying without wings*
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Louise is making Rich Tea biscuits with a flavour of big breasts. Eh? Oh, BARA BRITH. It’s a Welsh thing, and they’re not crunchy. I’m pretty sure Mel asked for crunchy.
Paul is talking about dunking again. Leave it, man, you’re obsessed.
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This week’s first challenge - to make 24 identical iced biscuits, that need to be crisp and beautifully decorated. I’m having flashbacks to nightmare children’s birthday parties past.
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No Sue this week, apparently she was unable to make the filming of this episode due to a family bereavement, So biscuit week is in Mel’s capable hands.
And we’re off! Previously on Bake Off, Cake Week. Our 12 bakers knocked up a selection of not very-drizzly drizzles, shambolic jaffa cakes and swanky mirror glaze genoises that varied between light and fluffy (Selasi) and rubbery frisbees (Candice). Jane won the first Star Baker award (Selasi woz robbed), but Reverend Lee failed to deliver sponge-based joy, so he was the first to leave the Bake Off tent.
Still think everyone should get a free pass in week one, seems a shame to bin off a baker before we’ve had the chance to see his skills with a piping bag.
It’s nearly time! LET’S GET READY TO CRUMBLE.
This week’s Bake Off Bingo…an own-label pink wafer for any occurrence of the following:
- Selasi showing tiny signs of stress
- Icing being used to plaster over cracks
- Tom making biscuits with booze
- Paul’s killer death stare
- Fondant humans
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Evening all, and welcome to this week’s Great British Bake Off liveblog! Last week’s cake shenanigans (sponsored by the words “drizzle” and “genoise”) kicked off the new series nicely, but my blistered fingers have only just recovered from a frantic first liveblog.
Tonight is Biscuit Week, so expect Mary’s molars to be given their first proper test of the series. Which jammy dodger will be this week’s Star Baker, and who will be on the receiving end of Paul’s chocolate finger of doom?
As usual I’ll be up here keeping an eye on every crumbling cracker and shonky shortbread structure, while you add your eagle-eyed observations and hilarious cookie puns in the comments below. Grab a hobnob and a mug of something to dunk them in, and I’ll see you at 8!
