WHEW. Okay, good chat people. This was fun. Thanks for the comments everyone! Batter week looks like great fun. Things can only get, etc.
If anyone wants to tweet vile abuse or unsolicited breadsticks at me, I’m @whatsamadder, and here is where all my Guardian inanity resides.
Gonna plunge my fingers into a pool of water icier than Paul Hollywood’s eyes now. See you next week!
Star Baker crowned- Tom!
Doughsaster for Michael, but Tom proved himself a worthy winner. There’s only room for one babyface. Andrew better watch himself.
Everyone looks shell shocked. Because Tom won with a giant set of bread genitals. Now that IS peak Bakeoff.
Michael goes out! Draped, not literally, in the flag of his people. And his mum. I actually feel quite emotional about this.
A sight for Thor eyes! It’s hammer time! Imagine saying that if Tom wasn’t the winner. (It was Tom.) But who’s going?
Kate and Tom in the running, plus Eddie. I mean Tom. Candice is in trouble! What is happening. I can’t watch. Which professionally speaking is a problem.
Ooh, Kate’s corn maiden is glorious in every way. Can’t believe she made horses look like that as a child. Lorraine Candice has made an ambitious go of it, but not quite pulled it off. She looks ready to self-combust with frustration. Oh Candice. Send in Selasi, I say.
Benjamina impresses on all counts- where did that come from? I wasn’t paying attention. Paul calls BS on Selasi’s Bedouin confusion, and Mary asks Michael if he’s trying to bribe the judges with alcohol. ‘I’ll drink mine afterwards.’ All back to Mary’s!
A catchphrase for our time
Totally using that when I want to turn up drunk at work. "I'm not a mess, I'm informal." #GBBO
— Blonde (@Blonde_M) September 7, 2016
Tom has actually done well, and Andrew’s harvest basket looks like the Arc de Triomphe and is beautifully flavoured. Mel and Sue make him wear it on his head and he shuffles off like a maid from a politically incorrect Mikado.
Judging time. Jane impresses with her chorizo and pesto loaves. Val’s ark is ‘informal’ according to Berry, ‘raw’ according to Paul. It’s oversalted ‘like the sea’. The sarcasm is strong with this one. Who knew?
Lot of votes for Candice as Lorraine Chase. People are saying Andrew looks like Frank Spencer? I’m looking at him now and I can’t see past Eddie Redmayne.
Tension. Val has cut her finger. Selasi is going to bake until the last minute. Andrew looks on the edge of a panic attack. Hollywood is pacing the perimeter. Pace softly Paul, for you tread on their dreams.
*Paul straps on Doc Martens*
They all seem to be trading proofing time against baking time. It’s bad math whichever way you cut it. Michael seems confident though.
I apologise, but I didn’t start this- Tom has woven a gigantic cock and balls from his bread plaits. ‘It’s a T for Tom, or Thor,’ he insists to a gobsmacked Mel. Cannot wait till Paul has to eat that.
I’m keeping an eye on this iPhone launch. It also launches with Super Mario Run. I mean WHO CARES
Everyone seems to have a better handle on proofing now. Plaiting bread braids is challenging the boys, except Andrew. In true Andrew style, he’s engineering a three dimensional lattice that can no doubt take the weight of twenty men. Kate also has prior- ‘I used to do this with my pony’s tail.’ She has surely got this sewn up.
More guess the smell! It’s got legs!
Val is making a Noah’s ark hymn plait, with one elephant and one dove. Mel questions the lack of second dove. ‘It flew away’ replies Val, looking straight back at her. Either there was something in that cup, or she’s showing her Hyde side. The steel brickbat swaddled in a homemade quilt.
Paul thinks Selasi’s story of share and tear bread in a bedouin tent is total BS. But he seems to admire that.
Kate’s in good stead because her family make corndolls and harvest loaves. Of course they do. They are better people than you. Michael is making a Cypriot flag which will be doused in 99% proof alcohol. Tom is gonna be livid he didn’t think of that. But No! Tom is making a double centrepiece, one element of which will be Thor’s hammer, flavoured with ale and lava. This will be incredible or awful.
I don’t condone this
Straight vodka #GBBO pic.twitter.com/x7X2ZePzab
— Mary Berry (@MaryBerryNOT) September 7, 2016
Wait, are we saying below that Paul Hollywood is reminiscent of Christophe Waltz? Intriguing theory. Is there consensus on this? Any other lookalikes?
Showstopper
Showstopper time. The group are tasked with making a savoury platted centipede? Disgusting.
OH. Centrepiece. That makes way more sense. I think I’m going deaf. In the first round I thought someone was making a chocolate koran. But that was a couronne.
The in trouble group is large and well, troubling. Jane, Kate and Benjamina have all failed to impress. But basically everyone is in trouble.
Val is the clear wiener
Rav’s raw dough pulls in last place, but he laughs it off. That’s nice. Selasi comes middle. The top three are Candice, Andrew and...Val! She is the clear wiener winner, as she blithely predicted she would be. Well not in so many words, but where’s the drama, Val? She credits her age and dumpling experience. Those Innocent guys can see the future.
Judging time! Kate’s bottom is black, Benjamina’s sauce is too thick- when Mary says it, it sounds like ‘sick’ but that doesn’t seem fair. Most of the others seem underdone. Running theme this week.
Someone below thinks Paul has made up these steamed bun things. Would not put that past him. Look at those eyes. He’s like Loki.
Proofing, poaching, steaming PLUS a custard.This is a fearsome technical challenge. Selasi is deciding to call his burnt buns caramelised- classic Selasi. Val incredibly finds time for a cup of tea, whilst stirring plum sauce. This is another peak bakeoff. They’ve maintained bakeoff plateau.
Certainly not Selasie. Or Rav.
Paul told us that the instant a contestant lifts their lid to check how the buns are steaming, they will collapse and fail. It’s a parable about patience. Or, possibly a hob-based ambush. I mean, who can’t resist a little peeky?
They’re loving those German accents, Mel and Sue. It’s safe to have fun with a German accent. Isn’t it? It’s probably fine.
Benjamina’s plum sauce is a puree. Everyone is struggling with maths. ‘How are your balls?’ Sue asks Kate. ‘I’m just pinching their bottoms,’ she replies. And with that, the klaxon sounds, and Mary Berry explodes, for we have reached PEAK BAKEOFF
The smoothie guys are also Val fans. Interesting. (I used the interlude to figure out how to embed tweets. This is quite fun!)
We'd like there to be a red button option that just follows Val around the kitchen at all times #GBBO
— innocent drinks (@innocent) September 7, 2016
Historic interlude! Something about how the dump noddles were invented by a German baker to placate a ravaging army storming his quiet town. There’s probably a biopic in the works starring some Hemsworth or other.
No one has heard of this, but Val is, once again, weirdly confident. ‘I’ve made dumplings loads of times.’ Selasi’s loud slap-knead technique has the other contestants quaking with fear/irritation. He’s amusing himself, though. Who knows what goes on in that beautiful head?
Hey JohnnyMidnight I actually like Candice’s Corpse Bride look! A lot. Anyway your name is JohnnyMidnight, which is kinda a pot/kettle venn circle
Dampfnudeln a type of steamed German dumpling apparently. ‘Why did you choose this?’ Mary asks Paul, as if he’s wearing a jumper made of cats.
Technical Challenge
Technical challenge time! And...did they say the contestants have to make Damp Noodles? That doesn’t sound...that doesn’t sound like anything. They may as well have said Thirsty Buckaroo. I don’t know what it means.
Rav pulls ahead
Michael’s chilli is hitting Mary late. ‘Ooh!’ she squeals, but she likes it. (‘Too much chilli’ decides Paul because he’s jealous.) Tom’s shallow buns go down well with both judges, but it’s Rav’s cardamom chocolate bread that knocks them out. His bread looked undersized compared to everyone else, but it cooked through perfectly. Now THAT is using your loaf.
Val and Kate are underbaked- feel like I’m about to pen a limerick here- and Jane runs similarly aground. Paul won’t even eat Candice’s, just pokes at it like he’s investigating a dirty protest. He’s made her cry.
‘Don’t overanalyse, move on,’ advises Mel, in a moment of eloquent support. We all need a Mel around sometimes.
Paul has such unfeeling fingers. Don’t prod the woman’s dough like that for goodness’ sake. Every line on Mary’s face radiates compensatory compassion this week.
The judges step in. Paul loves Andrew’s bread, admits he was right to go with the single rise! Somewhere they are tearing down statues of Hollywood, for a new hero has arisen! Benjamina’s is like wallpaper paste. Mary thinks Selasie’s crust is overcooked, Paul thinks that’s the orange flavour. Judge Beef.
HCollider1 thinks Val has a touch of the Jekyll and Hyde to her. Interesting. Will keep an eye on this. And one on the telly. And one on the screen. (I’m an ugly guy.)
A minute to go and DISASTRE! Candice’s large, fulfilled balls have ripped when being turned out of the pan. A crowd gathers to help and calm her but she looks inconsolable. Oh no.
Andrew has put something VERY flat in the oven. They all seem to be having proofing problems, except Val who seems pretty confident, no? Paul says thinks Jane’s bread is undercooked. ‘ANSWER TO ME,’ booms Selasi the Protector, before collapsing into giggles. I do love him.
Still laughing at Candice saying ‘No one likes small, unfilled balls.’ Nothing to add to this, pt.2
Oh, the burden of proofing...
Selasi revealing he’s only practised his chocolate orange bread once before; whilst twirling his scissors like a charming gunslinger. I love him.
Selasi is literally lying on the floor. Dude. Tom is talking to his dough like he’s lost his mind. I do that too.
Andrew confides in Rav that he’s not double proofing. ‘Okay,’ says Rav carefully, like he’s standing next to a man holding a grenade pin.
I see we’re liking the good cop bad cop thing with Mary and Paul. Or bad cop, slightly less bad cop any road.
Kate’s also making ball-ish bread, seemingly containing every type of chocolate in the known universe. One of the balls is probably a Kinder Egg.
‘Paul’s not in the best of moods.’ Strap in.
More babka bickering. ‘That’s a couronne,’ Paul corrects Benjamina, but she sticks to her guns. Go on Benjamina! Paul loves bread banter, you can tell. Even though he’s got a face like a sourdough on him at the moment.
Rav confidently declares he’s making a middle eastern babka. Paul tells him it’s Polish, with the smile of an anaconda sizing up its prey.
Paul is getting in there right off the bat with his dastardly mind tricks. ‘Are you trying to frighten her?’ rebukes Mary. I like Mary.
Candice is making dozens of dough balls filled with salted caramel, chocolate and shards of pecan brittle. Bread of heaven.
Signature Challenge
The signature challenge is ‘chocolate bread,’ to be interpreted at will. I didn’t know that was a thing but so happy it is. A very demure ‘baaake’- almost a miaow- from Mel and Sue, to start proceedings.
Did they mention ‘a technical challenge without an oven’? In bread week? We are through the looking glass, people. And I’m already behind.
‘I’m more of a bloomers and baps girl.’ Kate, on her faff-free bead preference. I’ve nothing to add to that.
Return of the Perkins
Sue is back! Welcome back Sue. If we’d known you were coming we’d have bak- oh, you’re ahead of me. Fine.
Remember Candice’s amazing ginger pub last week? And the Fall of Selasie? Well, the scales are back to zero, and everything’s to play for. I’m excited! Oh I said that. Calm down. Be cool.
GBBO fans...GET BREADY
I’m so excited for this. (Don’t bother with the new iPhone launch: basically it’s waterproof, and your earphones are now all useless.)
It’s Paul’s big thing! You bet it is, BBC continuity announcer
EU muffins also available
Before we kick off, here’s this week’s Bake Off Bingo. An English muffin to anyone who spots the following:
- Kate baking an Animals of Farthing Wood diorama
- Andrew using a set square
- Selasi experiencing uncomfortable new emotions
- Candice shooting the moon
- Paul looking like an unhappy prison guard
Hello all, and welcome to this week’s Great British Bake Off live blog!
Heidi is on the run from the law holiday, so I’m filling in. I’m Rhik Samadder, and very happy to be here. Particularly as this week is Bread Week, when Paul is no doubt going to get brutal. I predict crumby loaves and collapsed hopes.
I’ll be writing up the dizzying highs and terrible doughs as they happen, so please add thoughts, conspiracies and abominable puns in the comments below. It starts at 8pm; cover yourself with a damp cloth and sit in a warm place, and I’ll challa at ya later!
