Yowza
YOWZA. That was genuinely unpredictable. Good job, Bake Off fellas!
Thanks for getting involved, everyone. You do make me laugh, even as we trundle down the road to perdition.
I’ll be – yes! – back next week. In the meantime I’ll be procrastinating on Twitter and posting unflattering selfies on Instagram and eventually doing my paid job which is reviewing microwave cheese makers. It’s god’s work. Come say hi.
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Desserts next week! Is Tom gonna make some bread and bitter pudding? Rooibosh crumble?
Tom is crowned Star Baker!
He has! Tom bakes his way to botanical glory. He snatches the laurel wreath of victory, while Rav munches the bitter herb of defeat. To the surprise of no one. What a teddy bear though.
Andrew looks like a character from the Beano on those steps with his pipe cleaner legs and russet head. If he goes there’ll be outcry. Can Tom nab star baker? I honestly don’t know what’s gonna happen here.
LOOK AT SELASI’S. It’s like he stole some cornices from the palace of Versailles. Beautiful flavours and he knows what ombre is. Ladies, form a line. But Tom has also smashed it, with some delicate flavouring and skilful pipework. GO ON THE PATRIARCHY.
What’s gonna happen? This has been a day of two halves, split along gender lines, like an awkward school disco. Any bets?
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Look at Selasi’s piping. #holdingtheflag
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Judging! It’s gonna take them 15 mins to judge the number of cakes Candice has made. Andrew’s elegant number doesn’t wow Mary, despite him wearing an expression that would make Oliver Twist give up his gruel. No one is pulling off a flawless all rounder. Even Jane’s cake “looks like mashed potato.”
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If Rav’s not going home no one is.
Is Jane putting temporary tattoos on a cake?
“I’ve got no chance. Look at Candice. Look at Selasi.” Rav is looking shifty and panicky. Like he’s wondering whether he can scale the wall before Hollywood releases the dogs. #PrayforRav
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Everyone is having a bit less fun this week, except for Selasi and Benjamina, who are having more. I’m team them. Don’t sweat the technical, Selasi! You got this.
I’d love to come to Glasgow. And Holland! They’re probably not even that far apart.
“I don’t do pretty on my bakes” (Rav) is the 2016 equivalent of “I coulda been a contender.” Heartbreaking.
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Selasi is “holding the flag for the lads” Benjamina meanwhile is offering a “semi-naked” frosting, which has cake peeping through. Like a sort of sponge negligee. Someone steals a march on Candice pt. 2.
As I was saying, Candice has been Mary Poppins-esque in her no-nonsense, tidy focus this week. No more innuendo. She wants it. Jane wants it. It’s a fixed grin Cold War.
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I don’t know about you, and obviously I’m being manipulated by the edit, but I think two bakers are clearly emerging as favourites. I agree with you, Lola_Spice, they’re bringing a focus this week more than previously. I suspect Jane and Candice may have to decide this series in a drag race or something. Like from the movie Grease, not the Ru Paul kind. (Though I’d happily watch either.)
Candice has decided to add a fourth tier to her cake, because her theme is the changing of the seasons. Of course she has. But wouldn’t one grey, damp tier have sufficed?
Foreign readers! We have rubbish weather in the UK. Though today wasn’t bad. I can’t explain all these jokes, just keep moving
I’m hoping to convince you that tea in a dessert actually works.
Tom, obviously.
I’m not much of a floral guy, says Rav psychologically reaching for his coat, if he even has one. He probably pawned it for caffeine tablets and Xanax.
I wonder if Tom munches chamomile flowers at gigs.
Showstopper – two-tier floral cake
Floral cakes will make for great showstoppers. They can put flowers in it and on it. Even under it. This will be great.
Andrew is making a Swiss buttercream. Bloody neutral buttercreams, with their horological pedigree and no strong opinions in any direction.
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Look at the height on Andrew’s hair. He could be Mary Berry’s son.
The girls are all coming through, and the boys are sinking back, says Sue, like an Ofsted inspector judging secondary school attainments. Even Tom is in trouble, having just clinched a tight technical.
Come on boys! Re-assert the patriarchy! If you fail in the tent, you fail on the battlefield of life. IS THIS HOW YOU WANNA GO OUT? (I’ve been watching a lot of US sports dramas.)
Not on this evidence
Is Andrew an engineer? #GBBO
— Fiona Longmuir 🍂 (@EscapologistFi) September 28, 2016
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Judging time – Tom wins!
Judges step in. Rav’s bake is quite good! He can chew on that in the car ride home. (I still think he’s going, right?) Selasi’s is bad in every possible way, and the zen has turned into something heavier and sadder. He finishes last. Will we see a new Selasi reborn from this experience? WHITHER THE CHILL, SELASI?
Tom comes first! He put cheese and wine in his fougasse, which I could’ve told you was a winner. It’s like bread with a party inside it. Nice one Tom. Glad you finally joined us on the unhealthy side.
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“You are so zen” remarks Sue, as Selasi appears to have stupendously underbaked his fougasse. Have you ever seen a man lying on a carpet in so many positions? (Would you like to?) I’m not sure where Selasi works but I just know he takes his shoes off when he gets there.
Andrew’s bread is paler than him. Tom is waving a cooling paddle like he’s bringing a helicopter in to land. What’s gonna happen?
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I still can’t get over the image of Tom eating fougasse in a cinema. The star bread baker’s leaf shape does look good though. Rav’s ... less so. “I think Selasi thinks we have more time than we do,” says Benjamina, as he once more lazes around on the floor. “I’m just not gonna rush,” says Selasi, as if outlining his manifesto for life. He loves proving. It’s basically just waiting around.
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Andrew mentioning his engineering background! That would deffo have been on the card.
“Rootin, tootin, gluten-shootin’ bakers” by Sue deserves a medal.
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Benjamina is leaving her dough wet which is SURELY a mistake. Is the dough element gonna unstick these guys? Most have previously shown themselves to be about as effective at proving anything as Scotland Yard in the Sherlock Holmes stories.
“This looks like a standard white bread recipe,” Selasi says dismissively. I would love if he racialised this. Get this honky dough outta my face! He’s too nice for that. When the show moves to Ch4 and they need more explosive narratives, they’ll get right on that bus.
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Tom – “Fougasse is my cinema snack.” Imagine the kind of arthouse he’s into. Not like you, with your pick‘n’mix, and your Fast and Furious 6: Tokyo Drift watching, bovine lifestyle.
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There’s a lot of talk of stiffness and super-wetness. The klaxons are so off they’re broken in bits.
Technical challenge – herb fougasse
Mel dismisses Paul and Mary to the garden – “there are some messy bushes that need trimming.” She’s hitting nothing but home runs today.
Bakers are technically challenged to make a fougasse – a leaf-shaped bread with herbs. It’s just bread with herbs in. Frankly this sounds easier than falling off a log. (Speaking of which, Tom will probably try and put bark in his. But as long as his bark is better than Paul’s bite, who’s to say he’s wrong?)
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Good point Heyerette. Val with a blowtorch is a vision to inaugurate the apocalypse. We have been spared.
Auntie’s special sauce
I think we can all appreciate Selasi’s peak stiffness. 🙄 #GBBO pic.twitter.com/N9hJNxfvkK
— BBC One (@BBCOne) September 28, 2016
OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE, Sue? Definite vibe.
Oh I forgot to do a bingo. Sorry. I’m basically just a supply teacher who’s started sleeping in the classroom. What would you put on bingo card this week? Nominations below.
Am I alone in thinking there’s a bit of a ... vibe between Selasi and Benjamina? (I mean, she’s not made of stone.)
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Unforgivable
Presumably #BotanicalWeek is just an excuse to legitimise Mary's cannabis growing she does in the tent between series. #GBBO
— David Bedwell (@DavidBedwell) September 28, 2016
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LISTEN guys, no one calls me the Paul Hollywood of this blog or I will do a Sam Allardyce and leave in embarrassingly short order.
Lovely to see you all again though! Tbh honest I’m not MEGA sure what botanicals are. I’m picturing posh handsoap, or railway-siding gin served with a stomach pump.
Jane takes the lead
Judges step in. Benjamina’s done well, but the boys underwhelm with their meringues and curds and pastries. Weirdly, considering he’s one of those people that uses pumpkin instead of sugar, Tom’s curd is too sweet. Candice’s wet meringue lets her down, and Jane the Destroyer takes this one, cannons blazing. I think she may be emerging as the most consistent baker?
Look at Rav’s face as he contemplates finishing last in the technical for the 18th week in a row. He’s like a sad koala.
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‘Rav to finish last on technical’ is definitely on bingo. Soz Rav.
This is all looking a bit Willy Wonka. Neon colours and strange textures. “Bit o’ blowtorchery, bit of zhouzhery, and you’ll be fine,” Mel counsels a fretting Candice.
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Selasi holds his whirring blades and bowl of stiff whites upside down over Benjamina’s head. It’s somehow flirtatious, and definitely charming. Though in any other context would definitely be a matter for HR.
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Mary is unhappy with the bakers using blowtorches, because the sight is reminiscent of soldering, or other mechanical labour. Jane will definitely win this. Though some of you think she’s been set up for a fall by the confident VT? HMMMM.
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Looks like Candice is wearing a nude lipstick today, and I suspect she’s even doing that to be saucy. Higher-order innuendo! Chapeau, Candice.
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Oh Christ Rav, what are you doing? He’s making a ceviche tart and using a hairdryer instead of a blowtorch. Or may as well be, given the judge’s reaction.
Jane’s making a Swiss meringue, because “it’s more stable.” Of course it is. Bloody neutral Swiss meringue, with its massive buried reserves of egg white and political isolationism. Sounds pretty tasty though.
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“Love the ginger” says Andrew, though I guess he would say that.
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Benjamina – “I’m gonna give it a good old blowtorch.” Can’t believe they let that one go.
Although they did pick up on Paul asking if she was just going to “dump” her meringue on top. Yes Paul, that’s what I’ll be doing. Just dumping it on there. Imagine.
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“Don’t have too many sharp-edged kisses, because you will get physalis.” Mel may have just made the joke of the series, five minutes in.
Sharp-edged kisses are something to do with a meringue technique Selasi is making, and physalis sounds like syphilis. It’s less funny if I have to explain everything, just move with me people.
I call physalis “cape gooseberry” Mary Berry sniffs, slightly redolent of Boris calling ping pong “whiff whaff”. You what, mate?
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Don’t mention the shirt, Mary! Selasi wants it to be like, an understated thing he’s just doing. You just don’t get his vibe. *le sigh*
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You’d think not liking sweet pastry would make you think twice when applying for this particular show. It’s like going on Robot Wars if you don’t like wearing black t-shorts and spending time in a garage.
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Signature Challenge – citrus meringue pie
Jane is bigging up her flowery blouse, because she thinks she’s Claire’s Accessories. Meanwhile Selasi is just quietly wearing an even flowerier top, because he’s Highly Wry Selasi.
If flowerier is not a word, please don’t tell me.
The contestants are tasked with making a massive citrus meringue pie big enough for Paul to paddle in. They’re looking for more than basic lemon meringue, so experimentalism will be rewarded. Andrew’s making a stem ginger case. Tom announces he doesn’t even like sweet pastry, so is putting in cashews and spelt or something. Or fennel. Yes, good call, tyorkshiretealass
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Here we go! Jane’s a gardener, so again has probably got this one in the bag, along with some grass cuttings and green waste. Rav is back on self-doubty form, like the little engine that couldn’t. “If it grows, it goes,” declares Tom, which is a lustily full-bodied approach to life.
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Well this is awkward.
Apologies to those expecting Heidi – she’s writing 4,000 other liveblogs and her hands are medically melting. In the spirit of “you break it, you buy it” I’m staying on, and seeing this blog (and possibly the show?) out. Ignore my goodbye last week. It’s like when you leave a party to general good feeling, then come back for your bag and no one’s fussed.
So stand with me, sailors, dipsomaniacs, society debutantes and below-decks rabble, as the ship goes down. Strike up the strings. This week Bake Off goes botanical. Which either means they’re doing it from Kew Gardens, or getting sozzled on Gordon’s. Or both.
It’s not a bad idea. Pour a glass and I’ll see you back here at 8!
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