Summary
Well that was a rollercoaster, as Ronan Keating might weakly describe it. It’s been a hard few days; but it is batter week since we shall see each other again, so stay strong. Thanks for all your comments! They are very entertaining and quite distracting while I’m trying to work.
If you need practical advice on how to process the news, don’t come to me because I’m useless. But I am available for pictures of goats and silly jokes. Come say hi on twitter or even Insta which is how the kids say it.
Selasi’s crackling x
Pastry next week! Filo and whatnot. I saw some laminated dough in there too. There are about 7000 ways for pastry to go wrong, all of which will no doubt be interpreted as metaphors for the show’s fate. Can’t wait. The memes are about to get real.
Star Baker- Benjamina!
YES! She’s had this coming. Well done Benjamina!
Kate’s going home! Oh no! (Rav- you feel guilty? I’ve been calling her a psycho for weeks.)
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Candice and Benjamina’s both look beautiful, but I reckon like Benjamina has edged this one with superior flavour and texture. Unless Jane stands next to her and vibrates very hard or something. TENSION
Jane nearly combusts when Paul loves her churros. It’s Andrew’s turn to fry off a selection of penile-looking parts, but at least he’s dressed them up in a nice window box. Kate describes her sad bunnies as roadkill. The look of them makes me want to give money to charity.
I’m actually feeling quite sorry for Kate. And pleased for Jane! I’m getting soft, like the pillowy interior of Benjamina’s churros.
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Tom’s snake is overbaked. “Shall we say if you’re fond of fennel it’s fine?” says Mary rhetorically. Honestly, I dunno how she’s going to get the blood out of her silk-wrapped dagger.
Paul tells Selasi flatly his churros are burnt. “... Are they?” responds Selasi, improvisatory powers having deserted him, if not his brass neck. These churros are strongly flavoured with chutzpah.
Judging time! Val’s churros are ridged for Mary’s pleasure. She’s back in the game.
Selasi is helping someone! Drink! Seems to be a general blitz spirit vibe in the tent this week.
Jane, Candice and Benjamina’s are all still looking good. Even val’s orange thing sounds nice. Did Andrew say chocolate soil?
Not sure I should be advertising the Radio Times but this is quite funny and I am but a vessel of the zeitgeist
Anybody heading down the East End? We have a sudden craving for churros Kemp... #GBBO https://t.co/2lBgqqiuQ4 pic.twitter.com/DzlghWbAd5
— Radio Times (@RadioTimes) September 14, 2016
Andrew is redefining the description “ruddy.” I think his batter consistency is too thick for piping and he may give himself an embolism.
Jane’s making pistachio churros based on her daughter’s favourite flavours. Which is apparently “boozy chocolate sauce.” Jane must be an exceptionally cool mum.
Wow, Candice getting no love here I see. Benjamina and Selasi the favourites?
It’s farmyard animal Kate o’clock! Drink! She making wabbit heads, called Flopsy, Mopsy, Dipsy, Tinky Winky and Twee.
Selasi’s gone off piste – he’s Frying from Frozen. What Elsa would you expect? Eh? I say what Els – oh, never mind.
Benjamina’s looking to consolidate her position with churros coconut eight ways. What’s Tom cooking up? The genitals of a Greek God? No, this time it’s a “snake in the grass.” (No idea.)
Candice is pouring out bottles of beer, which she presumably nicked from Val’s workbench. “I’m not as strong as I used to be,” says a stirring Val, trying it on. Come off it Val, I know you could take down 20 men if they looked at you funny.
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I agree, Churross Kemp is a damn fine gag.
Rav’s matcha churros and wasabi dip sounds...edgy. Double or nothing. I like his attitude.
Showstopper – churros
Showstopper time! They have to make 36 churros. Which are a type of doughnut finger. Mel has an excellent Spanish accent, and she knows it. How will they turn simple street food into a showstopper? “I want them to think outside of the box and do something quite different,” preens Mary, like a Queen who’s going to have all the contestants decapitated unless they entertain her.
So are we going off Candice? Do we think she needs to...knock it off a bit, in the absence of more eloquent analysis?
Never touch, cautions Sue to a handsy Mel. Nice bit of harassment banter.
Technical Challenge – Benjamina wins
Rav and Selasi – who I confidently declared frontrunners – pull away from the pack decisively. In last and last but one places respectively.
The ladies stage a comeback – the top three are Jane, Candice and ... Benjamina. Hurrah! I’ve been a bit worried about her, but she has clearly been a very good baker from the start.
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Judges step in. Selasi underwhelms, but he’s laughing all the way because he is a fun character. Kate is not a fun character. You can see her quake with emotion when Berry describes her pancake as “a bit clumsy.” I am much more like Kate.
Paul’s handling those pancakes like a foreman on a building site chucking down swatches. The Baking Brute. Did Mary like any of them?
Alright BBC, I know it’s been a tough week but leave her alone.
This week it’s Candice doing the over-sharing. 👙🙉 #GBBO pic.twitter.com/oqiUiDO5nz
— BBC One (@BBCOne) September 14, 2016
“Are you a tosser or a flipper?” asks Mel, who knows exactly what she’s doing. “I’m a tosser all the way mate,” replies Candice.
UNACCEPTABLE. See me after please.
Contestants draw their lace design on paper. Selasi’s looks like he mugged a 4-year-old of their playtime takeaway. “I haven’t even got any lace pants,” rues Candice, apropos of nothing. She knows how to work a crowd. Or half of it, anyway. Benjamina’s design is beautiful, and she executes it well too.
So we like Selasi’s chances his week, and Benjamina is a dark horse too? I agree, always liked her. You’d think engineer Andrew would be better at piping. He looks like he’s checking the ketchup in a greasy spoon.
I think Candice’s squinch mouth is the official technique for lipstick display.
Paul and Mary discuss what pancakes are. I do like Mary’s asymmetrically zipped jacquard top. She’s like a Star Trek character, Mariberru The Infinite Wisdom.
“I think it’s a very good challenge,” says Paul about his own challenge. Not a man burdened by modesty.
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Technical Challenge – lacy batter
Contestants are tasked with making heart-shaped, lacy pancakes. Benjamina and Rav are flummoxed. “These were traditionally eaten by the rich in show-off dinners,” informs Karl Marx Giedroyc.
We’re all shocked by Paul being nice, I see. It’s as if...he knows??
Selasi’s crackling.
Tom that is absolute rubbish.
Nigella bisc-shits. I’m inexplicably furious. Is anyone else having mood swings? I’m entering the second stage of grief
Selasi and Rav impress- Hollywood handshake!
Selasi’s BS puddings go down an absolute storm, as do Rav’s political hot potatoes. They look like frontrunners.
Judging Time! I like the way you’ve toasted your nuts, Paul tells Andrew, who blushes like a beetroot in a peep show. Mary loves his Yorkshire tapas though. Spiralised rosti from Jane a very nice touch, though Mary doesn’t go overboard with the praise, unlike Paul.
“Better/batter” pun work from Mel, while Sue heads down the edgier “assault and batter-y” route. I’ll allow it.
“Those are rubbish ... they won’t let me back in Yorkshire now,” assesses Val. Candice has Yorkshire biscuits, while Jane fails to meet her own bar on this challenge, the one she set to zero. Everyone apart from Rav is starting again it seems. Tom is going down. Those look terrible.
Where did Val’s mother get 5 eggs from in wartime, wonders someone below. Any theories? I suspect she probably hatched them.
Although would anyone be interested in a Selasi In The City spin-off show? TV people, let’s talk after.
Selasi is gobsmacked by the size and uneven nature of his Yorkshires. “The small ones are for the kids, the big ones for adults. That’s my story,” he improvises. I love it when he starts bullshitting.
He’s amazingly good at lying on the spot. I probably shouldn’t mention he works in financial services.
Benjamina’s keeping things simple unlike EVERYONE else. Forgot to mention Paul and Mary ragging on Rav for putting the same Asian flavours in everything. That whole scene was a political minefield strewn with aloo gobi.
Speaking of which, that’s what Tom’s putting in his puddings. I guess we have to accept he knows what he’s doing, but ... it doesn’t sound like he knows what he’s doing. Mel tells him to raise his game.
Preach
I believe this week’s #GBBO theme isn’t actually batter week, it’s sadness.
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) September 14, 2016
The one thing Kate “the Waltons ain’t got nothing on me” Barmby and her husband disagree on is whether one should eat Yorkshire puddings on Christmas day. The ONE thing. Not division of childcare or money or sex. The very niche category of Yorkshire puddings, subsection: Christmas day.
I get the impression she just wants everyone to feel bad.
Selasi’s crackling
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Nearly 10 minutes before Selasi makes an appearance! This’ll be good. He’s doing pork canape sized roast fillings topped with crackling. I guess everyone is making accompanying dishes, rather than just putting all those ingredients into the pud mix.
I shouldn’t find the phrase “Selasi’s crackling” as funny as I do.
Jane says she has zero chance – YEAH WHATEVER JANE – while Val burbles “I don’t want to blow Paul and Mary’s head off!” ostensibly with regards to her chilli puddings, but nonetheless. Keywords activated, and the police have been called.
Benjamina promises “no soggy bottoms” to her Yorkshires. Val is actually from Yorkshire, so presumably has this sewn up. Candice “just wants everything to work”, a moment before she drops her fork, while Andrew is putting chicken in his mixture. Sounds like it has as much chance of rising as Paul Hollywood holding a hand fan, but what do I know.
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Signature Challenge – Yorkshire Puddings
Ooh, they’re making Yorkshire puds! I like those enormous ones you can fit an entire roast inside, like a batter bowl. I hope someone makes that. And then sends it to me? From ... the past, when they filmed this? No, the logistics are a nightmare. Scratch that.
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Candice sails close to the wind with her “let’s get battered” battle cry. But I’ll allow it.
Incidentally, what’s the lipstick situation this week? Are we thinking ... garnet? Carmine? Radish?
Echoing sentiments below, let’s try and have a good time, everyone. These are precious moments. You’ve seen the end of Toy Story III right?
Batter! Cricket joke from Mel and Sue to start us off. Very solid work. I too will be attempting to avoid any off-colour puns.
We’re off!
GBBO Bingo card this week:
- Anything which foreshadows Mel & Sue’s departure
- Val dropping hints that she is a maniac
- Candice having a Verruca Salt moment
- Paul taking batter week at face value, GBH charges
- Mary calling batter “a northern thing”
Thank you for the overwrought poetry everyone. We need it now more than ever.
Also I love how most people (on social media) assume everyone will quit apart from Paul, who will definitely follow the dough.
I know this isn’t the big catastrophe, but can you imagine how awkward it’s going to be for me when Heidi comes back? Have you ever had like, a really awkward handover at work?
Never leave Rhik in charge. https://t.co/VQh4uBfFBO
— Heidi Stephens (@heidistephens) September 13, 2016
I mentioned the next series, but it looks like there won’t be any more Bake Off until 2018. And it definitely won’t have Mel and Sue, who have quit. And who knows about Berry and Hollywood?
Can the show survive without them? Are C4 gonna get Matt LeBlanc to fill in, alongside Joey Essex? THE SKY IS FALLING. Davidargile, is your black armband capacious enough to shelter us all?
Happy Birthday AnglophileDe! Happy birthday all of us! I feel slightly delirious.
My mum literally thought the show was going to be on Ch4 from TONIGHT. I didn’t correct her. You mustn’t mollycoddle them.
Anyway – let us not be swayed from our course, shipmates, and that is to plough the waters of cheap innuendo and pastry lust. This week is batter week, where the contestants will be looking to prove their skills with the skillet, and avoid um...making something crap.
Look everything’s happening so quickly the comedy might take a hit, I’ll be honest.
I’ll see you all at 8.
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We have no idea who’s going to win this series, but we know who the big loser is. The BBC have lost the rights to their beloved GBBO, which will air on Channel 4 from the next series!
The production company say it wasn’t all about the money, which probably means it was 98% about the money. Does the news make you feel all “outraged in Tunbridge Wells,” or merely “meh?” Join hands, and we will get through this together.
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