I'm leaving with Val
It’s been an hour since I ate anything, so I have to go, like, now. But thank you all for being so much fun to play with down below. I mean that in the most suggestive way possible!
I shall be on Inspect A Gadget duties as usual, and please say hi on the tweeter or the Instant Gran. Heidi, who’s been baking herself on the Costa del Crime, will be back next week, funnier than ever. Don’t tell her I broke everything.
Take care of each other, and stay informal!
Rx
We’ll never see that amalgam of nanny mimsiness and sharp-edged psycho in the tent again. She was one of a kind. We salute you Val! It was, as people have pointed out below, a good innings. Pleased for Candice too. She puts herself through the emotional wringer.
Updated
Winner! Candice
Wowzeroonies.
First off. The ribald burlesque with a faint hint of baking domme has finally grabbed star baker! CANDICE for the win!
He’s done it! Rav, the cardamom comeback kid, lives to bake on, on bake off. There may be a better way of phrasing that.
Val meanwhile, is escorted from the premises. Emotional, love filled speech. We love ya, Val! Thanks for the laughs.
Having said that, there will be a rampage in Yorkshire tonight. Please pack a parkin and get underground. Valzilla will be looking for victims. She hits.
Also don’t think we won’t come back to ‘That’s just the sort of surprise I like before a meal,’ Mary. You aged bottle of sauce.
HMMM. What’s even more interesting is the bottom of the table. Who’s gonna be checking out of pastry week in a filo body bag, basted with the butter of bitter regret? Val has done excruciatingly rubbish this round too, whereas Rav’s parcels were beauties. Has he pulled off a creme pat resurrection? Will we roll back the stone to find Rav’s not there? If so, who will be?
Most of you think Jane has got this? Jane has been too bold, but pulled off her flavours with a plum. No a plomb. No, a cherry, and some cured meat. But Candice gets a 10 for presentation, and faultless flavour too. Can she edge ahead? “Star Baker” whispers Jane as Candice walks past. But not in a ... feline way. Just a supportive, GBBO way. I like Jane. Do we like Jane? God it’s tense.
Selasi is helping! Drink! Candice is fiddling with her balls! Drink all the drinks for ever!
Man these are some beautiful bouches. Hats off- that filo looks so unwieldy. Judges step in. Benjamina’s done good because she is good. Selasi’s had a quiet week. Andrew has imparted a piquant flavour, like Jupiter Ascending! Okay there was no natural way to slip that film title in, and it’s the only other Eddie film I’ve seen, and I’m not here next week so gimme a break.
Okay, you guys like the historical interludes. Fair enough. I am a philistine. I’m typing this on an abacus made of mud.
Off topic, but I really like Mel’s Little My hairstyle.
Jane has knocked over those filo cones about a hundred times now. It’s like she’s drunk on an endless fresher’s week.
Rav thinks he’ll have time to spare. That should go fine, then. Val’s rolling pin is a broom handle, so let’s take the GBH/witch jokes as a given and move on.
The bakers are attempting to stretch filo until it’s basically transparent. Having tried making my own pasta a few times, I feel sick with anxiety just watching them.
Jane decides her pastry is ready when she can read a bottle of alcohol through it, which is a Val technique. Benjamina’s cooking with a ruler, which is trademark Andrew. It’s a hall of mirrors, I tells ya!
Tom’s making chocolate steak, while the thought of the sausagemeat collecting under Candice’s nails makes me feel a bit ick. She tells us “it’s good to get a handful of sausage,” so I suspect the entire recipe is predicated on an opportunity for smut. A girl after my own heart too. When she asked Mary to feel the weight of her enormous black pudding, well. Carry On Candice.
Could be the new ‘informal’
"Looking for something a little more refined than a gobful," is my new Grindr profile description. #GBBO
— Liam Murphy (@liamwaterloo) September 21, 2016
‘Yorkshire gobfuls’ sounds like Val’s street-fight finishing move.
White chocolate samosas? Rav’s going down fighting. Although he is basically cooking with his coat on. Andrew is making baklava with a dough so wet it’s probably distantly in line to the throne. And –
OH NO it’s a historical interlude. I’ll put the kettle on.
Jane from the Inbetweeners? You guys are harsh.
Showstopper – amuses bouche
Showstoppers this week are amuses bouches which translate as “eat 1,000 of these because they’re free” if you speak posh restaurant.
Wait, should it be amuse bouche? amuse-bouches? amuses bouches louches pooches? Let’s call the whole thing off-puttingly French.
Updated
AS IF Benjamina’s in trouble. Rav has as much chance of being welcomed back to the tent as that bear from The Revenant.
Technical Challenge – Jane wins!
Rav is last – as if any other outcome was possible, once he’d jinxed the bejeesus out of it. Andrew still beats Val with his Africa ... situation. Selasi third, Candice second, and yup, I think we’re looking at a twice starred baker Jane.
Val has in fact made a very bad tart. Think about her family. “It holds its own” cuts Mary, assessing the wattle and daub cladding. “Our first soggy bottom!” crows Paul. I’d stick to main roads tonight, Paul.
This is going to be horrific. Judges step in. Jane, of course, has smashed it. (I think the Bakewell recipe gets handed out with Freedom passes.) Candice and Selasi are okay.
Rav has a collapsed goo. I think that sound is his ship, about to set sail. (Sorry Rav! You seem very nice.) Andrew has drawn a map of Africa on his tart, in reverse-relief icing. But the bake is good, which amounts to a miracle.
Val flapping her towel is like some ancient apotropaic dance to ward off evil. Imagine what’s in her bakewell.
Val’s baking rituals involve scaring evil spirits away from the tent. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/wz69y9XOnd
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 21, 2016
ANDREW’S OVEN ISN’T ON! He’s been staring at a cold oven for a quarter of an hour wondering why his tart wasn’t tanning. Everyone feels his pain. It’s Les Miserables* in there.
- is an Eddie Redmayne film. I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the time or place.
Val to Sue. “I’m not gonna hit you, honest.” Where would you situate that on the scale of reassuring utterances?
Where one is a lady policeman telling you “it’ll be alright” and 10 is an erratic ex-headmistress flailing a hot tea towel in your face for no reason whatsoever?
Also ‘frangi-panic’ was solid punnage from Sue. She’s unflappable.
Val is ignoring the instructions, because Val’s gonna do Val. Benjamina shaking with laughter at Selasi’s neon icing. “Is that pink or red?” he protests. I’ve never known a voice to take in such a range of octaves, from bottom-of-the-sea baritone to cat’s meow. Everything about Selasi is just ... highly, isn’t it?
Val makes a bakewell tart EVERY week. If she doesn’t win this, you do wonder what her family are eating.
Generational schism! The “aged” as Selasi refers to them, have the skills to pay the bills this round. Younger contestants don’t seem to know what a Bakewell is. They’re probably trying to download one, whilst listening to rap music.
Technical Challenge – Bakewell tart
“I cannot be last in the technical three weeks in a row,” worries spirit-sapped Rav. I hope he hasn’t put money on it.
The technical challenge is Bakewell tart. Mel & Sue correctly point out the clue is in the name. Paul compliments Mary’s tart-prowess. “Well done Bezza!” “What was that about your diet?” she replies, a riposte that leaves exit wounds. Berry don’t need friends. Berry will squash you.
SOGGY BOTTOM! It may be the first of many. Also I missed this filth gem from Val, but the people of Twitter did not:
"It's better to be wetter than it is to be dry" - Val #GBBO pic.twitter.com/evvOToZjdF
— alex (@itsmickeymac) September 21, 2016
Candice and Jane pull ahead
Candice does well – Mel steals a pile for her family, and has to be escorted out by prison screw Paul. He’s in jaunty humour this week.
But ooh. Look at Jane’s. Jane the destroyer. She has a good bake and good flavours. Slightly overfilled, but I think she’s edged it.
Love for the kakapo, I see. It is a nice bird. (I’m actually talking about the bird, not the grown woman. That would be disrespectful. Also Val would batter me.)
Andrew and Val exchange hand signals in a way that suggests she has a plan to off the guards, and young Andrew is her patsy. Don’t fall in with the wrong crowd, Eddie.
Benjamina’s peanut butter and banana is “mad,” according to Paul. “Mad good?” she asks. Maybe, but her butter has ... exploded?
Tom’s are dry as a bone and raw, respectively. Vindicating every suspicion I ever held about health food. Paging the dowager countess and her old boots!
Andrew’s are quite good, but too thin. Someone else could grab this one.
Updated
Does Tom keep making healthy stuff? I missed that. Interesting.
Judges step in. Val is pretending her family eat raw pastry all the time – maybe she makes them, I don’t know.
Updated
Joachin Phoenix x Iwan Rheon for Tom. V impressed with that.
I’m impressed with all of them, though Eddie Andrew seems to be quietly bossing this one. Rav’s done 11 – in total? – what are you doing, man? Candice’s lamination did slightly resemble an unfortunate skin condition, but she seems to have pulled it off? Maybe?
Ffolds lest we forget.
Tom’s making turnovers and – is that Weetabix?No one can convince me Val isn’t making ninja throwing stars. Her flossing tape-cutting technique is a winner though. I do that. You have to make sure you don’t get the minty fresh stuff.
Contestants attempting maths! Shoulda stuck that on the bingo. Benjamina’s BS equation particularly notable. Pretty sure she used the phrase “f to the power of folds.”
Paul’s snaffling and snacking on ingredients from Selasi’s bench. It’s cheeky, but it’s also a calculated power move imho.
Rav’s worried at how far behind Jane he is. Man is falling apart. Val’s also making pinwheels and cinnamon swirls. She’s cooking down the apples. Or she’s making unrelated cider, for all I know.
Any more for any more? Rav has the feel of a young Alexei Sayle to me.
Oh, I forgot there’s a programme on. What’s happening?
Kate. I know she’s not here any more. (Pour one out for fallen homies.)
Candice aka Lorraine Chase from Emmerdale
Val
(aka the kakapo, a rare flightless bird from New Zealand. One of you came up with this, don’t look at me.)
Which reminds me, where were we on the casual objectification of contestants? (A cause close to my heart.)
So far we have:
Andrew
Updated
Cambridge-educated engineer Andrew is cooking with a ruler! Drink! He’s precisely measuring pear and chocolate pinwheels and something with right angles.
You could say HE’S GOT A THEORY OF EVERYTHING.
Jane’s making two doughs- she’s out of the blocks confidently. She wants this, doesn’t she.
Mary saying ‘dry as old boots’ is my new mental screensaver. So much dowager countess scorn for an entirely hypothetical pastry.
Signature Challenge – Danish pastries
HERE WE GO. Take my hand, and I will guide you to no insight whatsoever, plus jokes. I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering, stupid.
Signature challenge this week is Danish pastries. Two different types, 24 pastries in total. Should be a cinch for Andrew, who is the spitting image of Eddie Redmayne, and who was marvellous in The Danish Girl.
Any ideas on what single or semi-entendres Candice will squeeze into pastry week?
Rav looks like he’s broken. But if Val survives this week, I’ll eat my choux.
Yes, soggy bottom doesn’t need to be on the bingo card because it is the tectonic strata upon which the entire program stands. It will feature, as surely as the sun will rise.
Ooh, here we go! Get ready everyone
It's #PastryWeek on Bake Off. To celebrate, we've just eaten 12 pieces of shortbread.
— Yorkshire Tea (@YorkshireTea) September 21, 2016
Yes, we know it isn't pastry. Leave us alone. #GBBO
They’re pastry confused but are they Val fans?
Bake Off Bingo! Once more with feeling!
- Candice salting dough with tears
- Selasi making AND telling pork pies
- Rav hitting the cardamom hard
- Mary Berry not angry, just disappointed
- Paul telling Andrew “I am your father”
Thanks jacksters. Are you watching Fake Britain? There’s an underwhelming piece about false vases on. It’s the perfect aperitif.
Ooh, let’s do a bingo card...
Bake Off Brigade...ASSEMBLE! It’s nearly time.
It’s my last week hosting, and I cannot tell you how much fun y’all have been. Yet as we’ve learnt from Brexit, Brangelina and Bruce Willis at the end of Sixth Sense, everything dies.
But pull yourselves together! It’s pastry week, and we’re all still here. Get ready for fudged filo, shocking shortcrust and Love Productions’ favourite, profiterole.
See you at 8!
