Summary
Yowzabungeroonie. Thanks everyone, that was a ride. Feeling a bit odd about Benjamina’s departure. But Selasi was more entertaining than ever tonight. I love him so much. I almost wish I didn’t.
Until next week, my dears. See you for Patisserie, despite the absence of Valerie.Come say hello on twitter or instagram or in the real world if you happen upon me by chance and it isn’t weird. Also if you see me eating out of a bin, not then either.
Bye! Be good.
x
MrsVictoria I would chuck anyone under the bus for Selasi too, but am starting to feel guilty about that. Man is chancing his arm. He’s like an RAF pilot stuck behind enemy lines, relying on sheer ingenuity and his moustache to keep him from capture. He better raise his game next week or he’s out for sure.
I feel very guilty that Selasi is still there. Benjamina is probably...the better baker? Definitely more consistent. He’s like a wave machine. Fun, but of variable depth.
She probably should have used the anachronistic mixer. Oh she’s so emotional. What a good baker.
‘She’s a sister to me.’ Okay Selasi settles the sibling debate. I concede.
Candice wins!
Candice wins! Honestly thought she might caw in jane’s face.
BENJAMINA? Did NOT see that coming. Did Paul say he loved her? I’ve seen no evidence of that.
That wasn’t too bad from Selasi? Has he clawed it back? Yes yes we all love the peacock, Mary.
Oh god they know.
Oh Selasi. That looks like the paper crowns they give children who have their birthday at Burger King. Woeful.
Two different types of marzipan, though, which is … good?
I would pay to see that in real life. Bird Wars. Is that too similar to monkey tennis?
Candice peacocking with her peacock. But come on, a lot of that centerpiece is just leaves. The heart of blueberries was an exquisite touch though, and she nails lemon and mint sponges, which I can’t even imagine. Peacock defeats swan, surely?
Benjamina is SO delighted for Candice’s success in the flavour department.
Benjamina’s garden maze is so simplistic an upside down cow could roll out of it without too many problems. Her sponge is doughy too. This is surely all that can save Selasi. But I don’t think she deserves to go. MY HEART IS SO TORN.
OH. Andrew has made a marchpane centerpiece of jousting knights, but – and I apologise for the indelicacy – the knights are jousting with their cocks. It’s certainly … bold. But you know – it’s the quarter final. Go hard or go home, as they say.
Heidi- Benjamina has complained of leakage AND crackage this episode. I think she’s crumbling.
Judging time! Jane impresses WHO’S SURPRISED with a sponge that retains volume despite the ground nuts and weight of swans on top of it.
Benjamina making marshmallows! Andrew making caramel! Golly this is exciting. Jane is tarting hers up with silver filigree like a street artist, while Selasi has blowtorched a scorch right on to his battle of Bosworth. But hey, war is ugly, right? Maybe he can talk his way out of this?
CALM DOWN WITH THE VIOLINS BEEB I’M STRESSED ENOUGH
Candice is going to obliterate this isn’t she. It’s like she’s putting together the QE2 and the others are flailing around in a dinghy.
Andrew’s face when he saw that peacock
Andrew is essentially polyfilla-ing his marchpane cladding with offcuts. He doesn’t think Mary wants to see his cracks, but I think he underestimates his appeal with the older lady.
Selasi declares his marchpane centerpiece is going to be “so bling” before it wilts off his spatula and collapses in shreds. “Yeah, that’s ruined,” he chuckles. Oh god, I’m gonna miss him.
What is it with Candice and lurid green puddings? She’s the Princess Fiona of this series.
Surely that’s the right kind of reference for here.
Sue has mad peacock impersonation skills. My mum can do a shockingly good lamb, so lifelike she confuses sheep. Are any of you lot outstanding in the field of uselessly realistic animal impersonations? Weirdly, I actually want to know.
Selasi broke the crown in a totes Cromwellian satire/ he’s in big trouble
Benjamina’s snake maze sounds like it’s designed to give children nightmares.
Candice has practised her peacocks every meal for the past year. Selasi has never made marzipan before and DOESN’T SEE THIS AS A PROBLEM. What a guy. He’s going home though, right? *Sad but calm face* What do you think? Am I worrying over nothing?
Candice is making a PE cock, because she is a PE teacher and – oh, no a peacock. Oh I see. That makes much more sense, though it might not be as good.
Damn that peacock looks good though. It has a marshmallow neck.
Selasi’s doing a brandy-soaked simnel, representing the battle of Boswell Fields. What a lad. “You like a lot of alcohol in your food, don’t you?” winks Mary, stunning him with the scale of her sheer psychological projection.
Andrew’s cooking with ginger! Drink! (A ginger beer.)
Brittle, baked marzipan? That sounds like … old marzipan. Should we be exactly recreating Tudor delicacies? They didn’t have fridges or whisks in those days, as Benjamina has noted. Food is objectively better now. I feel like Paul’s going to penalise someone for not putting scarlet fever or weevils in their biscuits.
showstopper- Marchpane
Our bakers are asked to construct 3D marzipan structures called marchpane.
Ooh, this could be incredible. I still find marzipan fruit the most gorgeous, confusing trompe l’oeil. It mystifies and maddens me that it all tastes the same but looks so different.
All of Elizabeth’s suitors knew the route to her heart was sugar. But she never married. Liz was a stone cold baller.
Look at Paul’s jacket. He looks like he should be stood on the door of the O2, stopping people getting in to see Kaiser Chiefs.
I have a Bake Off Whatsapp group and my friend Danica says this about Candice. ‘She takes it so seriously. You have to at least pretend it’s the taking part that counts.’
Am I right in thinking everyone liked Candice first week, but now women are mostly annoyed by her, and men … mostly like her? Or is that a revealing generalisation. Okay forget I asked.
These boots are made for walking, all over Jane.
Candice edges it!
Candice’s enormo-balls don’t seem to be a problem, and her bake is good. Most people have mistimed or omitted the sugar glaze. Jane has put every foot wrong. She was edging ahead this series for her consistency, but this week levels things. Who’s not worried about Selasi though. Not me. As in I’m not not worried – probably could have found a simpler way to say that.
‘Andrew is disposable.’ Love how this forum can veer into stone coldness. Benjamina isn’t doing well this week either.
We’re at the stage where good bakers are going to be eliminated. I can’t bear it.
Jane has lost definition in her balls. Benjamina is sugaring hers up to brown them. Candice’s are bigger than an elephant’s. No one knows what they’re doing. This judging is going to be bloodier than Henry’s reign of terror.
Look at Candice’s boots. She looks like Black Widow from the Marvel Universe. Again, wrong forum.
Jane has said the word ‘quarter finals’ twice this episode. UPDATE THE BINGO CARD. Everyone is checking everyone else out this week.
Andrew also looks like Eddie Redmayne who played Stephen Hawking and hawking was a popular pastime among Tudor monarchs. That’s my crowbar of the week.
I’m disbarring all discussion of Selasi’s pounding technique, ButterflyBlu.
No one knows what they’re doing. Knots are jumbled, glazes are being mucked up, colour is anyone’s guess. Everyone is panicking.
Jane probably made these every summer as a child.
This is just adults mucking around with play-dough innit. Candice’s are correctly shaped but monstrously outsized. (So to speak.) Even Jane isn’t coasting this one, actually. Andrew and his equations must have this in the bag, despite his worries. He’s looking good this week. His bakes I mean. He’s looking like Basil Brush’s nephew on work experience.
That dentureless Candice vignette was the OPPOSITE of lemon/cat bum. The girl’s got range.
No lemon from candice indeed this week, Davedave. She was playing us the whole time.
What is being achieved here? Blind guesswork. No one knows what a jumble is, Paul. You may as well have told them to make a helium sofa.
I mean, not everyone. How can you hate him this much?
I hate Andrew with my entire soul #GBBO
— Alexspooktaghoul (@alexeptable) October 12, 2016
(You’ll never be Selasi, Andrew. Just be your blush-cheeked, russet-quiffed, anally retentive self and we’ll love you anyway.)
Benjamina not using a mixture for historical authenticity. Go on, girl.
Andrew ponders his miniature pestle and mortar. “I’m gonna take the Selasi approach,” he decides, pounding the caraway seeds like a debt collector breaking down a door.
Technical Challenge- Jumbles
Paul’s technical challenges are now entirely taking the piss. Jumbles are an ancient caraway biscuit shaped like amulets from a Dan Brown novel. Did you SEE Mary’s face when she chewed on it? Thinking “why didn’t you just choose a nice doughnut you monster?”
Cheers Auntie
Pie-fection! 👌 #GBBO pic.twitter.com/Ht2QDcpmgB
— BBC One (@BBCOne) October 12, 2016
Selasi just looks annoyed. ‘What the hell is jumbles.’ I love looking at his face as he feels things.
If it’s a soufflé, Selasi’s going home. I hope it’s not a soufflé.
His cog pies did look amazing though. Go on, son. Excellent stuff, and the best all around flavour by the sound of it?
I love how panicked Andrew gets when someone tries to touch his displays.
“Do you mind if I do it first?”
=
“DO YOU MIND SHITTING OFF WITH YOUR HUMAN HANDS I HAVE TOUCHED THE FACE OF GOD WITH THIS DESIGN”
Selasi’s look the most...Tudor. Wait, is that racist? No, I think it’s fine. Benjamina and Selasi both did...okay? Selasi’s pastry walls a bit thick. But he’s done enough.
Judging time!
Jane predictably impresses, though Paul’s not happy with her line of fat or something. Jane watches like a hawk as Candice’s pastry plays havoc with Paul’s “al dentures”. And someone please GIF Mary Berry’s face when she ate that oyster. Like a robot discovering love. So many new emotions.
“Paul’s just given them a squeeze, and gave me a look.” – Jane. Very much a 1970s TV presenter technique. Benjamina meanwhile has severe leakage issues, and she’s not the only one.
Selasi and Benjamina seem to be doing the majority of effing up at this stage. Jane is as steady and clear eyed as a husky on a paddleboard. Gliding to victory?
Andrew has about five timers on his station, like he’s calibrating GMT. Benjamina does not look confident this week. Get it together girl! You got this.
Selasi and Benjamina! Benjamina thinks Andrew has come for Selasi’s Chill Crown. He’s got his pies in the oven on time and is now just snacking. Red hot on the outside, ice cool on the inside.
Candice and Sue flirtathon? Good new angle. Ship away, seamates.
Selasi tries to bribe Mel for more time, with the only currency he has: pies.
Sue conducts a spuriously serious interview with Selasi, just waiting for him to see her with rosemary stuck up her nose. What a show.
hahahahha
Lol at Selasi poking steam holes in his pretty pies with the butt end of a biro.
Sue asks Candice who she’s thinking about as she pries open an the oyster. She sees you coming for her sauce-crown, Candice. The Queen don’t give it up easily.
Fascinating: Selasi explains to Mary how guinea fowl is popular street food in Ghana. “Are they wild?” She asks. “They’re livid,” quips Paul. This show knows its priorities, which are cracker jokes.
Candice is making 58 pies instead of six, and has thrown in a heart-rending story about her family while pouting. PEAK CANDICE.
Not restricting yourself to the British Isles, Andrew? THIS ISN’T WHAT WE VOTED FOR.
A big hurdle will be making thin yet robust watercrust pastry with a bazillion blocks of lard. Tudor Rose Jane looks like she’s confident with her spiced pies. Andrew is doing … something about Leonardo da Vinci. Old Leonard of Venice loved a pie. Vitruvian man was reaching for two Ginsters slices, just out of shot. Fact. Corporate sponsored fact.
Did Andrew say he was an engineer by any chance?
Jane actually reminds me of Dolph “I will break you” Lundgren from Rocky IV, but I appreciate this isn’t the forum for that kind of reference.
Did Candice say she thinks the remaining bakers are like the Spice Girls before Geri left? Okay, I’ll bite – who’s what Spice? Candice = Posh (the actual one, not the idea), Andrew = Ginger, Jane … any ideas?
Signature Challenge- Pies
Sounds prosaic, but the bakers are tasked with creating a display of shaped pies, so presentation is everything. Candice will no doubt attempt to create the entire universe with a pumpkin for the sun and mini pork pie for poor little Pluto.
Selasi is the only non Star Baker represented. But we all know he was robbed in the first week.
It’s Tudor not Tuba week. “I spent money on this!” Mel and Sue are off to a flying start.
Does Andrew always wear check shirts because of the right angles?
Janet Jackson is pregnant? Holy cow. Okay stay on track. Candice better be in full alabaster lead paint and Elizabethan ruff, the ones that look like they’re for dyspeptic dogs.
OOH HERE WE GO
Sweetmeats have their own laminated bingo card, in case anyone mentions them, or looks like they’re thinking about them.
Me if Selasi gets sent home tonight #GBBO pic.twitter.com/twWdCPxtka
— Mary Berry (@MaryBerryNOT) October 12, 2016
How are we feeling tonight?
Quite right Katy. No fridges tonight. No electricity. If Andrew doesn’t have Scarlet Fever I’ll be contacting Trading Standards, or some other random authority organisation.
Mentally insert your own bullet points. Everything is beyond me tonight.
I’m at my mum’s house. She just asked me if the show would be on Ch 4 tonight. Breaks my heart every time.
Bingo card! Surely not? Yes, look:
Paul literally having someone beheaded
Jane baking Candice-shaped voodoo game pie
Andrew claiming rubbish icing is an homage to wattle and daub
Any pun relating VIII and Ate
Selasi cooking swan, reminding us that though he may be serene on the surface, his legs are paddling frantically below
Hello! The Great British Bake Off is one massive historical interlude this week, which will delight some of you. What does Tudor week hold? Black Death and the workhouse for the losers?
So I have done some academic research into the Tudor era (thanks to professor Vicky Pedia) and ‘pparently it was a historical period between 1487 and 1603, which Henry VIII was king of for the entire time. King of chicken legs.
In short, I’ve no idea how this is going to play out in the quarter final of our beloved Bake Off. I looked into the Tudors’ food habits, and it was all fresh meat, bread and no vegetables. Let’s gout this party started!
Grab a haunch of venison and cup of mead, and see y’all here at 8!
No there is one. Hold on. Let me figure out my CONSARNED computer and I’ll be right with you
Is there a bingo card? Is there one? I want to know as badly as you. Which is a bad sign, right?
