So that’s it for week one! This year’s batch seem like a nice bunch, think this series is going to be fun.
Next week is biscuits week, so join me then and we’ll do this again. Thank you for joining in, am off to ready all your comments now. If you’d like to say hello, I’m @heidistephens on Twitter, otherwise I’ll see you next week! Cheers, Hx
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Results time! This week’s Star Baker is...MARIE! And first contestant to go home is...STU! The hipster hat is gone! Dorret is saved! I think that’s the right decision. He tried to be too clever, says Mary. Note to self: never give Mary beetroot.
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Flora’s gateau is immaculate and beautiful, but enormous. Paul loves it, but needs a tiny bit more booze. Ugne’s has gorgeous chocolate work, but the sponge is disappointing. Marie’s trees look a bit haunting, but her sponge is light and tasty - Star Baker this week? Alvin’s has gold leaf and tastes lovely, whilst Mat’s praline is divine. Paul’s is a good cake, but Mary isn’t sure about Sandy’s shortbread base. Tamal’s looks stunning, and Paul loves it. Stu’s is covered in Italian meringue rather the preferred chocolate work, and his beetroot has made it taste a bit raw. Nadiya’s is minimalist and contemporary, with beautiful flavour.
And now poor Dorret, whose cake is a heap of a mess. The bottom layer is lovely, but the top one tastes like rubber. “It looks a bit of a mess” says Paul. YES THANKS PAUL.
Ian’s animals are impressive (and I was wrong, for the first of many times this series), and his cake is lovely.
I’m guessing Marie for Star Baker, and Stu or Dorret to go home.
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Some of these look lovely, and some look like a right mess. Ugne pops her balloons, and behold! Perfect chocolate cups. Chocolate trees are being planted, but Dorret’s mousse hasn’t set and she’s crying. Oh no, don’t cry. This is awful, can we have a happy ending please?
Ian is piping Black Forest elephants, whilst Ugne is dipping balloons in chocolate. No idea why. Half an hour left, and Stu is a man in a hat with a plan. It’s a plan doesn’t seem entirely conducive to 30 minutes, however. Meanwhile Sandy is sloshing booze into a bowl. It’s only week one, love.
The bakers are tempering chocolate, which looks a lot like heating chocolate in a pan, but is quite a lot more complicated and subject to meltdown. If you do it right, you end up with lovely glossy chocolate. Do it wrong, and you end up with something that looks like industrial waste. Everyone has their special thermometers out, apart from Mat, who is winging it. I predict Mat will turn out brilliant bakes every week despite giving the impression of having zero clue what he’s doing. Every series has a winger.
Mat’s filling uses tinned cherries, which sounds dangerously like the kind of shortcut that might get him a look of withering disdain from Mary. Remember when Enwezor used shop-bought fondant last year?
Marie is planning for her icing to “dribble down the side”. Paul looks at her like she’s just shit in his manbag. He doesn’t like dribbly icing, clearly.
Sandy is making her gateau with a shortbread base. She’s basically a Victoria Wood impersonator, and I love her.
Mary is interrogating Ian about his tree design. He’s piping trees in caramel and then filling them with chocolate. If there’s time, he’ll add flowers and animals. There’s NEVER time, Ian – have you learned nothing about managing Mary’s expectations? She now thinks you’re delivering a replica of the Garden of Eden in icing form, when you’ll actually spend 20 seconds splattering on something that looks like a three-legged horse.
Most are going for traditional chocolate and cherry, but Stu is including beetroot to make it purple, because he’s a geezer. Flora is going for pink sponge, but not tacky pink because OMG whatever.
Showstopper time! This week’s challenge is Black Forest Gateau, a classic German dessert cake traditionally made with a dark chocolate sponge, cream and cherries.
Clearly I can’t speak ill of the country of my birth, but I’ve never eaten Black Forest gateau without feeling like my arteries have been lagged after two mouthfuls, and then needing a lie down in a dark room. I suspect it’s probably brilliant for soaking up two bottles of Blue Nun, however.
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Flora’s cake has good height, and nice sponge. Mat’s icing is grainy, as is Tamal’s and Sandy’s. Stu’s only has one sad walnut on the top, but Marie’s and Ugne’s are both lovely. Nadiya and Alvin’s icing is grainy, and Ian and Dorret’s nuts are both too big. Paul’s icing is granular. I think grainy and granular are the same thing, but who knows.
Nadiya comes last, Marie comes third, Alvin second and Ugne number one. She’s one to watch, I think.
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Tamal (who I’ve decided I fancy quite a lot), is concerned about putting water in his frosting. Stu’s having a nightmare, whilst Alvin’s cake is listing badly. Nadiya has left her cake sides unfrosted, the maverick.
Nobody can decide how big their walnuts should be, and there’s no baking time in the recipe. Time to make caramel, Mat is already snooping on what Flora is up to. Stu’s caramel has crystalised, whilst Alvin’s looks like sand. He also failed to put his shelf in the oven properly, so one of his cakes is wonky.
Technical challenge time! This week they have to make a walnut cake with three layers and a ton of frosting. Mary’s version looks like it’s been artexed.
And time’s up! Nadiya’s has a nice crack and nice candied lemon bits. It also has the right amount of cardamom. Ugne’s only has a little crack, and there’s not enough thyme flavour. Ian’s tastes like chewing on wallpaper paste, and Stu’s has lime and chocolate, which isn’t really working. Flora’s is lovely, but Alvin’s figs have sunk. Sandy’s fruit remains floaty, however, but Paul’s is overbaked. Mat’s cake doesn’t have enough gin for Mary, but Tamal’s tastes amazing. Dorret’s is a bit bland, but her candied peel is floppy. Marie’s is a perfect Madeira cake, hooray!
There are too many contestants, I’m flapping.
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Tamal is injecting rosewater syrup into his cake, because he is an anaesthetist and syringes are totally his jam. Cakes are coming out of the oven, and some are looking decidedly more edible than others.
Stu’s Madeira will include a lime glaze and some rum. A mojito in cake form, by the sounds of it, so count me in. Paul’s has lemon and ginger with caraway seeds.
Ugne is looking for crack, even though it’s quite early in the day and they’re in a field in Berkshire. Oh, the crack on the CAKE. Everyone’s saying crack. Stop saying crack.
Flora forgot to turn the oven on, because at home she has an AGA and it’s on all the time. Poor Flora, the real world is a harsh and scary place.
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Flora is this year’s Martha, and is bunging blood orange and almonds in her cake. Alvin’s includes dried figs, and Sandy’s has apricots. Both may sink to the bottom.
If you’re wondering how I’m remembering all their names, my beloved has memorised them all and is providing useful name input from the other end of the sofa.
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Marie and Dorret are going traditional with a Madeira cake that only tastes of lemon. Paul is already intimidating her, but she’ll take it from someone who is “strategically important”. I suspect she works in the public sector.
Ian is a quite posh travel photographer, and his coconut Madeira cake is inspired by his travels in the Caribbean. Get you, Ian.
Mat’s cake has gin & tonic in it - forget Sandy, Mat is my favourite. Also he’s a firefighter. Grr.
Ugne is a Lithuanian bodybuilder, and is making lemon and thyme Madeira cake. Nadiya is popping cardamom in hers, which could taste “quite medicinal” if she goes overboard. Mmm, yummy.
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Time to kick things off with the first signature bake! It’s a very simple Madeira cake, and they have two hours. Paul is looking forward to “breaking in” the new bakers, like they’re wild ponies.
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And we’re off! Our new bakers never imagined they’d make it the tent. They’re all a bit scared. “I’m quite random”, says Sandy. “I start with a cake, and could end up with a meat pie”. Sandy is already my favourite.
I’d like to make it known that I’m on a bread, pastry and cake-free diet at the moment, and have been for some weeks. So far it’s been fine, but I suspect I’m about to be tested.
If things go quiet for a bit, it’s probably because I’ve disabled my keyboard with a combination of tears and light drooling.
Evening all, and welcome back this year’s Great British Bake Off liveblog! The sixth series is a tried-and-tested recipe for success - mix 12 amateur bakers in a big white tent with a pinch of Paul and Mary, then add splash of food-based innuendo and a dusting of Mel & Sue. Bake on a gentle heat for ten weeks, throw in a minor scandal involving a foul-looking retro pudding and an angry beardy man, then serve up with a side order of quaint English charm and a few gambolling lambs. Bake Off is back, hooray!
Tonight we’ll kick off the series with Cake Week, and find out who’s looking like they might rise majestically like a plaited loaf in Nancy’s microwave, or crumble like an over-crumbly crumble. I haven’t had time to investigate this year’s contestants at all, although I hear there’s a Lithuanian bodybuilder, a baking fireman and a hipster in a hat. Excellent.
For those who are new to the liveblog, here’s the deal. I provide a frantic and ideally amusing commentary of proceedings up here, whilst you fill the comment box with your inimitable brand of wit and wisdom. Newbies are always welcome, and the natives are friendly. Don’t be mean - it’s a TV show about cake, what’s not to love?
I’ll be here from 8pm to keep an eye on every failed fancy and grim gateau – in the meantime iron your pinny, grease down your baking tray and pop a stubby pencil behind your ear. See you then!
