Amy Winehouse performs via video link at the 50th Grammy awards. Photograph: Peter Macdiarmid/Getty
Somewhere in Los Angeles, the music industry is wobbling in its high-heels. The Grammy Awards are upon us and even here in windstormy, snowstormy Montreal we have our popcorn and earplugs at the ready. Also: our high-heels.
The 2008 Grammies are particularly exciting this year, not just because it's the award show's 50th anniversary, not just because of the on-again/off-again saga of Amy Winehouse's appearance (she's now rumoured to be appearing by satellite), but for the simple fact that it is a scripted television program appearing on American TV. Tom Hanks, Cher, Prince, Ringo and other scheduled presenters will have breathed a sigh of relief when writers reached a deal with the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, and as the Writers' Strike wears on, the public is desperate for any kind of yuks.
7:32 EST: The awards begin at 8pm but for now it's the red-carpet pre-show, in our case courtesy of ET Canada. We've spotted Yoko, Tony Bennett and, um, Evander Hollyfield so far.
8:02 EST: And after some technical difficulties, we're off - it's Frank Sinatra in black & white, alongside Alicia Keys. The b&w hologram/projection version of Old Blue Eyes makes him seem a little like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
8:07 EST: It's the first in what will likely be a procession of American Idol stars: Carrie Underwood and a number of men with very large sticks.
8:09 EST: Prince looks even more cool than he ought to in his slim red suit. Why can't he seem that good on record, these days?
8:12 EST: Alicia Keys is the first telecast winner of the night. She looks so serious!
8:18 EST: Who in the world is this man in a gold suit, admiring himself in a mirror? And is that a key-tar?
8:19 EST: Figures that the Grammies have found a way to sap the dazzle from the finest song of last year. Rihanna's "Umbrella" draaags. And I think the man with the key-tar is still there.
8:23 EST: Tom Hanks seems very dapper in his silver suit and new hair cut. He is not carrying a key-tar. And he is presenting the Band (represented by, uh, one guy) with a lifetime achievement award. Oh, and... the Beatles. They get one too? It's Ringo! And Yoko! And spouses! "PLEASE HONOUR THE POWER OF THE BEATLES..."
8:25 EST: When the Grammies honour the Beatles in 2008, it involves Cirque du Soleil aerobatics, a little boy, and a peculiar man with an umbrella.
8:30 EST: A different little boy is singing Let It Be.
8:33 EST: Now it's the prize for Best New Artist. Feist and Amy Winehouse are the only ones who have any right to be on the list -- and it's Amy. She's... not here, "but she will be performing".
8:36 EST: Jason Bateman is introducing a peculiar sweepstakes to choose which classical musician will be joining the Foo Fighters and Led Zep's John Paul Jones later tonight. It's feisty violin vs. electric violin vs. cello. It's a strange world we're in that this all makes a kind of sense.
8:43 EST: We're hearing bits and pieces of the 100 Grammies that were handed out in the untelevised pre-ceremony ceremony. Kanye West has won already won three, Amy Winehouse two (bringing her to a total of three so far tonight), and statuettes also went to Justin Timberlake, Mary J. Blige and the White Stripes. And Barack Obama beat Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter for Best Spoken Word. (He also won today's Maine primary, according to exit polls.)
8:46 EST: Kanye West's rapping in a glow-in-the-dark vest and shades, but even more cool: Daft Punk is presumably there themselves, behind him, in the glowing pyramid. Love the black light and neon outlines. "Looks like Tron," says my friend. Yes indeed - and this is a Tron I would sit through.
8:49 EST: And now some more Kanye, but he's ditched the shades so that he can make a proper tribute to his mum. She passed away earlier this year. Is it bad that I keep waiting for Daft Punk to arrive in a rocketship?
8:52 EST: The Black Eyed Peas's Fergie is now doing her best Mary J. Blige impression. It is not a very good impression.
8:54 EST: Best song from a compilation soundtrack album, only the category name is even longer than that, goes to the Cirque du Soleil/Beatles Love thing.
8:57 EST: George Martin's pulling Ringo Starr on stage. Beside George Martin he looks like a wealthy, and slightly tipsy, dwarf. Martin pays tribute to Beatles in a very humble manner, and Ringo happily provides the punchlines.
8:59 EST: Behind the scenes at Guardian Grammy Liveblog HQ: "Rihanna's hair never looks good." "No, but her face is so good that her hair would just distract."
9:03 EST: Beyonce's not wearing any trousers, and neither are her back-up singers. And it's a musical introduction for Tina Turner. Who is wearing trousers and is looking rather well preserved for a 69 year-old.
9:07 EST: This Tina Turner medley must be the third or fourth medley of the night so far. Is there a prize for Best Medley? "A Tribute to Medleys"?
9:15 EST: Best songwriter of the year: Amy Winehouse. The Americans look vaguely disappointed.
9:20 EST: Jason Bateman's back outside with the Foo Fighters and John Paul Jones. And our Baroque Idol entrants. The winner: feisty violinist! The cellist lugs her instrument away in shame.
9:22 EST: The Foo Fighters don't really seem like they've cut or washed their hair since the 1990s. Or changed their sound.
9:33 EST: The actor-comedian George Lopez makes hokey racial jokes before introducing the hokey cowboy country of Brad Paisley. My friend observes he has a paisley pattern on his electric guitar. But he wears it with unabashed swagger.
9:36 EST: When people ask why the Grammies last for three and a half hours, the answer has something to do with performances like this.
9:37 EST: Chris Brown, Solange and that other guy are slow on their feet for a trio of hip-hoppers. But the Best Rap Album goes to Kanye, who has the word MAMA shaved into the back of his head. I await seeing this on the backs-of-heads of hipsters starting tomorrow.
9:41 EST: Kanye goes on a bit, doesn't he?
9:42 EST: The latest Lifetime Achievement winner: Cab Calloway, who died in 1994. Better late than never?
9:44 EST: Even Aretha Franklin can't transform a televised gospelarama into something affecting. But I do have a soft spot for a Dixieland brass band.
9:56 EST: Carole King! She looks so modestly beautiful. Fitting that she's introducing Feist - "a great new artist". To most of Grammy watchers I suppose she's "the iPod girl". She sounds so small up there to start...
10:00 EST: There's a brass band there behind her, all tum-tee-too. Still, I kept waiting for the song to open up. And now already we're listening to a duet between Keely Smith and... Kid Rock? Sometimes this show seems like it was programmed by a random number generator.
10:05 EST: "And later, the performance you've all been waiting for from Amy Winehouse..."
10:10 EST: Stevie Wonder is here! And he's holding a harmonica! He's doing a tribute to Motown's Berry Gordy. And introducing Alicia Keys & John Mayer by singing No One's chorus better than Alicia sings it.
10:12 EST: So this is Alicia Keys's second performance of the night so far. How do they choose who performs more than once? Drawing straws? Whoever has enough outfits?
10:15 EST: I don't know how I feel about John Mayer being within twenty feet of a tribute to Motown.
10:16 EST: Ringo Starr and Dave Stewart. Oh, this is going to be good. They both have shades on! And Ringo's still drunk.
10:17 EST: Why are the Englishmen doing the Best Country award? Vince Gill wins and Ringo is coaxed reluctantly away by the sidewoman. Vince disses Kanye ("I just had an award given to me by a Beatle. Have you had that happen yet, Kanye?") and informs us that "this is where democracy lives, God bless". Thanks, Vince.
10:21 EST: So Will Ferrell is doing another movie where he plays a minor league, over-the-hill 70s celebrity?
10:24 EST: Itzhak Perlman and Jazz drummer Max Roach are the next of the night's Lifetime Achievement winners. And it's the evening's token jazz performance: dueling pianos take on Rhapsody in Blue. The whole thing. I keep waiting for a banjo to interrupt the duel with another duel.
10:34 EST: Rihanna finally wins! For best rap collaboration. Jay-Z goofs, or more accurately flirts, with Rihanna - I suspect Beyonce's ready stage-left to harpoon him if he steps out of line.
10:40 EST: Cuba Gooding Jr. is in London to introduce Amy Winehouse by satellite. And: ta-da. After all the hubbub I'm happy to report she looks lively, present, and dare-I-say-it a little randy.
10:43 EST: I like the backing dancers, leaping about in their suits as if they're paid by the hop.
10:44 EST: Oh it's not just one song: it's a rapid-fire Winehouse medley! Hooray! Wonder how it feels to be singing the word "rehab" tonight, all things considered. With loping dancers to your left. And Cuba Gooding Jr. nodding along.
10:46 EST: Amy Winehouse is a singer, yes she is.
10:47 EST: Standing O from the London crowd, and Amy looks newly shy. "Thank you very much," she says, and that's all, eyes cast aside.
10:48 EST: Amy Winehouse wins Record of the Year and she is open-mouthed, on the verge of tears. She's staggering from embrace to embrace.
10:50 EST: But her composure returns as she gives her thank-yous. "To my mum and dad!" she yells, with love, "and this is for London!" This makes me very happy.
10:56 EST: It is telling that the CEO of the Grammies does not look like a man with very good taste.
11:01 EST: It's our memorial montage. I'm trying to be snarky but there are a lot of good things being remembered here. From "Birdland" to cello sonatas, Pimp C to Bobby Byrd. Maybe next year everyone who died in the preceding year can appear in Sinatra-style hologram. But let's find someone other than Alicia Keys for them to duet with.
11:03 EST: Andrea Bocelli (still blind) pays tribute to Luciano Pavarotti. He has a silly scarf around his neck, further reminding us that he is blind. So it goes. Josh Groban is at the piano. It sounds more like a Disney theme than like a memorial hymn.
11:12 EST: I don't remember rumours about this one ahead of time: Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis and CCR's John Fogerty. Because the best way to honour music in 2008 is to celebrate music ca. 1955.
11:14 EST: Presumably this will be a medley...
11:15 EST: Jerry Lee Lewis may look like a well-fed 70-something but he can still sing Great Balls of Fire like a horny teenager, falsetto and all.
11:16 EST: Little Richard looks as he has for the past twenty years: like a mildly distressing wax statue. He also seems to be getting younger, not the other way around, as if he entered into a pact with the rock'n'roll devil.
11:19 EST: The problem with these reunion performances isn't that they happen - certainly it could be exciting to have these three musicians together (again?) on one stage. Rather it just makes me sad that the performances are so lifeless. For all the flash and bluster there's something undead about them, something utterly forced. Musicians doing a last-gasp show of talent rather than really reveling in their abilities or the opportunity. The sort of decision your manager, and not your lover, persuades you to make.
11:24 EST: They just called Will.i.am a "Professor". I am pretty certain he is not. He also just rhymed "jammy" with "fanny" and "Grammy".
11:25 EST: He is rapping a medley. BECAUSE THAT'S REALLY WHAT WE NEED AT THE THREE AND A HALF HOUR MARK.
11:27 EST: Quincy Jones just told Mark Ronson to "trust him, you're going to enjoy [the award for Best Production]". He said it ominously, but I don't know why.
11:28 EST: Album of the year... Kanye West literally seems to be praying.
11:29 EST: The shocker! Herbie Hancock for best album! Forget Amy, forget Kanye: the jazz-dude takes it, with an album of Joni Mitchell songs.
11:29 EST: Herbie drops his thank-you speech, Quincy Jones picks it up, and Herbie's able to thank the Academy "for courageously breaking the mould". I'm waiting for them to cut to Kanye rampaging through the seats.
11:30 EST: Herbie Hancock just quoted Obama. And now he's rapid-fire thanking over the ululating of the get-off-the-stage music.
11:35 EST: And after a ridiculously long commercial break we come back to an in-progress tickertape finale, only since they're running late they're not letting us see it. Sgt. Pepper is playing, Cirque acrobats are acrobat-ing, and as the credits roll, we - well I think we're going to go to bed.
Thank you for joining us, and here's to future medleys!
