And with that, the sound of ‘That wasn’t worth a liveblog’ sung to the James Bond theme tune still ringing in our ears, it’s time for me to bid you goodbye. Thanks fore reading, everyone!
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Right, so, what can we take from that?
Spectre seems like a pretty decent name for the film.
I’d guess that Bellucci will be the Bond girl who gets killed early on because god knows the last thing that any Bond film wants is an age-appropriate love interest for 007.
There will be a car of some description in the film.
Daniel Craig wears nice sweaters.
I’m really disappointed about the Dangerminge thing. Sorry for getting your hopes up.
And, well, that’s all. That was definitely worth it.
And here’s Daniel Craig, coming on to the James Bond theme. He’s wearing a nice sweater.
And Christoph Waltz! Who still has hair! His character isn’t revealed, though.
Other castmembers include Dave Bautista, Monica Bellucci and Léa Seydoux.
And Andrew Scott is in the film, playing ‘Whitehall newcomer Denby’ who is DEFINITELY GOING TO BE A BADDIE.
Rory Kinnear’s in the film! Ben Whishaw’s in the film! Naomie Harris is in the film! Ralph Fiennes is in the film!
The car’s about to be revealed. It’s an Aston Martin DB-10, and it looks a bit like a car. Next, Sam Mendes reveals that the official beer of Spectre is DELICIOUS HEINEKEN YUM. (He doesn’t, but he probably will).
Most of the writing and technical team from Skyfall have returned for Spectre. It’ll be edited by newcomer Lee Smith and Hoyte Van Hoytema will be the DP. This is very, very exciting news.
Spectre will be shooting at Pinewood and in London, Rome, Mexico City, the Alps and Morocco, so head over there immediately, paparazzi.
BOND 24 is called SPECTRE
I... I think I quite like that. It’s simple and to the point, and it means that Blofeld really might be a part of it. I mean, it’s no Dangerminge, but whatever.
IT'S ACTUALLY STARTING NOW
Here’s Sam Mendes and Barbara Broccoli. They look hesitant and little bit nervous. But here comes the title...
THE ANNOUNCEMENT BEGINS
Except it doesn’t, because here’s another recap of Skyfall.
50 seconds until the actual announcement.
Before the announcement, a quick recap of what happened in Skyfall, which is shaping up to be the entire Skyfall in its entirety. I hope it isn’t, because I watched it on Estonian TV a few weeks ago and it went on for about three years.
You know what I miss? Emailed press releases.
If there’s an advert for that James Bond aftershave next, I’m off. Seriously, you can liveblog this yourself if that happens.
Rosamund Pike! What’s the betting that she’d have got a clip all to herself at any point before this year? Hooray for Rosamund Pike.
And now a short film about James Bond. All the different James Bonds. Connery. Moore. Connery again. And again. And a cat. Lazenby, for about three seconds. Look, you get the idea. We’re basically being shown a DVD extra that someone just found behind a sofa.
Before the announcement begins, Alex Zane is reading out a history of Pinewood Studios. He’d be a great tour guide, that Alex Zane. In other news, I’m already losing the will to live.
Abrupt fade out. HERE WE G... oh, Alex Zane’s presenting. He’d better not be in the film.
I guess this means I should probably start to get ready for the announcement, instead of just writing ‘Dangerminge’ over and over again. This feels like a shame.
The video has just kicked into action (the real one, not the one of the watch). If you haven’t pressed play yet, then do. It’s currently playing We Have All The Time In The World, which probably isn’t a brilliant portent.
We’re just minutes away from the Bond 24 title and cast announcement. Things I have discovered in the last few minutes:
1 - The conference room contains a car with a cloth over it.
2 - The assembled journalists are sitting on what look like very uncomfortable seats.
3 - I am sitting on a very comfortable seat, in my house.
4 - Therefore I win.
5 - Shirley Bassey should sing the theme tune of Dangerminge.
I can totally hear Shirley Bassey sing #Dangerminge
— Brenda Sab (@veryvary) December 4, 2014
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Just a quick note to Sam Mendes: I think there might actually be a riot if you don’t call this film Dangerminge.
make #Dangerminge trend #bond24
— CD Anderson (@bizarrojerri) December 4, 2014
INTERMISSION!
To prove my 007 credentials, here is the first watch I ever owned. It took me several weeks to learn how to switch the alarm off. I was a very unpopular child:
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Other announcement rumours that I forgot to put into the bingo just now: Sherlock’s Andrew Scott is rumoured to be revealed as a villain, and there might be a chance that Monica Bellucci also has a role. Way to make two very distinct parts of the internet go into gibbering overdrive, EON.
See, Sam Mendes? The people have spoken #Dangerminge
Love the @guardianfilm name for the new Bond movie: Dangerminge. I'd pay cold hard cash to see that flick.
— Graeme Brown (@GeeJBee71) December 4, 2014
Well, someone called Graeme Brown has spoken anyway. I’m about 50% sure he’s a person.
Having drawn the short straw, BBC entertainment correspondent Lizo Mzimba has actually been forced to go all the way to Pinewood to watch the announcement live, instead of just watching on YouTube in his house in a nice pair of slippers like the rest of the world.
As such, he’s just posted this intriguing tweet:
No idea if true, but also heard a whisper #Bond24 might, might be called Exposures. @007 #wildrumours #Exposures
— lizo mzimba (@lizo_mzimba) December 4, 2014
Now, I’m certainly no expert here, but I’m pretty sure that Exposures is the very worst title of any James Bond film in the history of time. It sounds like a romantic drama, or the name of one of Jennifer Lopez’s perfumes. It it certainly no Dangerminge. Sam Mendes, if you’re reading this, it’s still not too late to change the title of Bond 24 to Dangerminge.
BOND BINGO ROUND THREE: THE BOND 24 ANNOUNCEMENT ITSELF
The announcement takes the form of a boring press conference - 1 point
The announcement takes place on a Bond-themed soundstage - 5 points
The announcement begins with Daniel Craig driving a car, or flying a plane, or abseiling down the side of a wall, or parkouring over some shopping trolleys - 10 points
The official description of the film contains the phrase ‘Bond’s greatest challenge’ - 5 points
The official description of the film contains the phrase ‘From his past’ - 10 points
The official description of the film contains the phrase ‘Iconic villain’ - 5 points
The official description of the film contains the phrase ‘Forced to go rogue’ - 5 points
The official description of the film contains the phrase ‘Queues up at the Post Office for an International Driving Permit’ - 50 points
The film is described as ‘The best Bond yet’ - 5 points
The film is described as ‘One of the best Bond stories ever told’ - 5 points
The film is described with a confused facial expression and a shrug - 20 points
The car is revealed: 2 points
A vital gadget is revealed: 10 points
Three quarters of the announcement is given over to a performance by 12 dancing girls, each dressed up as a giant bottle of Heineken, who proceed to sing an elaborate pop number entitled I Love Heineken It is Yummy (And Down With Heineken’s Chief Competitor Anheuser-Busch InBev) - a million points
BOND BINGO ROUND TWO: THE CAST OF BOND 24
Daniel Craig is there - 2 points
Daniel Craig is wearing a dinner jacket - 5 points
Daniel Craig is wearing a dinner jacket, a pair of Persol sunglasses and is simultaneously using a Sony Vaio laptop and drinking a bottle of Heineken with the label facing outwards - 25 points
Christoph Waltz is there - 5 points
Christoph Waltz is revealed to be playing Blofeld - 10 points
Christoph Waltz is not revealed to be playing Blofeld, but you can tell he is anyway because he’s wearing a hat and is covered in cat hair - 15 points
Léa Seydoux is revealed to be the new Bond girl - 5 points
Léa Seydoux is revealed to be the Bond girl who doesn’t really do anything and then gets killed after about five minutes of screentime - 10 points
Léa Seydoux is upstaged by the Bond girl who doesn’t really do anything and then gets killed after about five minutes of screentime - 15 points
Ralph Fiennes says something nice about Dame Judi Dench - 5 points
Ralph Fiennes says something nice about Dame Judi Dench and sounds a bit like Leonard Rossiter in the process - 10 points
BOND BINGO ROUND ONE: THE TITLE OF BOND 24
The film’s title contains the word ‘Die’ - 5 points.
The film’s title contains a variation of the word ‘Day’ - 10 points
The film’s title is based on an existing piece of Bond literature - 5 points
The film’s title has nothing to do with James Bond at all - 5 points
The film’s title has an embarrassingly tangential relationship with Ian Fleming’s life, and is just named after his Postman or his favourite brand of tea of whatever - 10 points
The film’s title is one word long - 2 points
The film’s title is a compound word - 5 points
The film’s title is a made-up word - 10 points
The film’s title is a made-up compound word that sounds a bit rude and 1970s, including but not limited to ‘Dangerminge’ - 20 points
Obviously, in an age where Marvel and its ilk have realised that the most effective way to announce a movie is to jam an auditorium with thousands of hyperventilating fanboys and let them scream themselves hoarse, a doddery old press conference like this seems quite old-fashioned.
So let’s all keep ourselves amused by playing a game of Bond bingo. I’ll list a bunch events likely to happen during the announcement, and then you can keep score by ticking them off whenever they happen. Sounds like fun, right? Of course it does. Stand by.
Behold, the announcement video stream
The name’s Blogger. Live Blogger. 007 (pence per word). Licence to spill... THE BEANS. God, I’m sorry.
Anyway, welcome to the big Bond 24 title announcement liveblog.
Later this morning, the YouTube embed above you will flicker into life and we’ll all be treated to a dazzling presentation in which the title and cast of the new James Bond film will be announced. Quarter of an hour later it’ll all be over and – as is traditional – we can all start thinking of words that rhyme with the title, to help whoever has to sing the theme tune.
Just to preempt your comments – 1) yes, we’re really doing a liveblog of this, 2) you’re right, Sean Connery probably was the best James Bond, and 3) I am acutely aware of my personal and professional failings, but thanks for reminding me anyway.
The presentation is set to begin between 10:50 and 11am, but I’ll be updating the liveblog regularly until then. I do hope you can join me.
