YOUR PHIL OF THE OFF-SEASON NEWS
Not much happening today, Fiver fan. England lost a game of football on Tuesday night, but that’s not really news, is it, reading about that isn’t going to make you look out the window to see if a pig is flying by or run outside to check if the four horsemen of the apocalypse are riding down your street. It’s just a common occurrence, no less shocking than reading about a spot of corruption at Fifa. Those loveable rogues? What will they get up to next?
Apparently the bidding process for the 2026 World Cup has been postponed while the lads clear up that mess The FBI tipped all over the place but, really, it has reached the point where Jérôme Valcke could announce that all future World Cups will be played on the Death Star and no one would bat an eyelid, just shrug their shoulders, maybe send some abuse to Sepp Blatter on Twitter, then leave Greg Dyke, Saviour of Football, to do his Greg Dyke thing.
Elsewhere Newcastle have tossed John Carver a rope and lifted him out of his depth by relieving him of his role as Incomprehensible Shouting Touchline Man. But The Fiver had assumed that happened two weeks ago. Sorry. The Fiver hasn’t been paying much attention; it’s only just realised that West Ham United named Slaven Bilic as Big Samuele Allardici’s replacement, marking the news by giving an unnamed insider (whoever could it be?) a gossip column on the official club website.
Nope, not much happening at all, which is precisely why news that Phil Brown and his relentless joie de vivre will become a shareholder at Southend United when he signs a new contract caught The Fiver’s eye – a deal that should enable him to stock up on salmon pink jumpers. There’ll be no need to go on live radio and talk about Andrea Pirlo’s rampant homophobia now! “It’s the clauses in the contract that have taken a while to sort out and one of them will see me become a share-holder in the football club,” Brown parped. “We’ve had to work that out and it’s something the League Managers’ Association said they have never seen before.” But of course.
“They think it’s very innovative of the chairman because it’s a clause which will reward a manager for success,” Brown continued. “I do also think it’s a great time to be investing in Southend United due to us having won promotion and with the plans for the new stadium so it’s something I’m happy about. And I also expect to sign the contract this week.” Brown will be able to sell the shares back to Southend’s chairman, Ron Martin, when he leaves Roots Hall. He’ll be sitting on a tidy profit as he buckles himself in for that journey into outer space in 2026, ready to coach England to World Cup glory against a Darth Vader Select XI.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“What do you want me to say? I’m being as transparent as I can … I don’t understand what’s the problem and why I am such a target. You [the media] have decided that after Blatter I am the head to be cut, fine, but don’t say it is because of this $10m” – Fifa suit Jérôme Valcke being as transparent as he can be, a decade after he was sacked for “lying repeatedly” to potential sponsors. Lawyers in the case in New York said that among Fifa’s “white lies, commercial lies, bluffs, pure lies, straight untruths and perjury, Mr Valcke even lied when testifying about his lies”. Blatter rehired him eight months later.
FIVER LETTERS
“To be fair, most of us Canadians hardly hear about Moncton either (yesterday’s Fiver). The only time I’ve seen Moncton in the news this year was for an advertisement for the local university that was deemed ‘too $exy’ by many papers for showing students making out in the library. I mean, what else do you do if you live in Moncton?” – Benet Gladwin.
“I actually passed through Moncton on my honeymoon 30-plus years ago. It’s on the Petitcodiac River at the head of the Bay of Fundy. Since the Bay has some of the highest tides in the world, water supposedly gets sent backwards through the river, sometimes resulting in a wall of water passing through the town upwards of five-feet high, the ‘tidal bore’. Having stayed up one night until 2 or 3am watching for it, I can assure you it is quite aptly named” – Barry Ragin.
“Christopher Smith’s theory that the lone attendee at the United Passions screening in Phoenix may have been there just to benefit from the air-con and escape the 100 Fahrenheit temperature outside (yesterday’s Fiver letters) may be true. I spent some time in Austin in the summer of 1998 and, on one occasion, went to the cinema specifically to get some respite from the brutal heat. The film I went to see was, unfortunately, Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s BASEketball. By the sound of things, United Passions may rival it as one of the worst vaguely sport-themed films ever released. Though it would be good if Parker and Stone made a sequel to United Passions with Team America as Fifa’s nemesis. Which in my mind at least, is essentially what really happened that early morning in Zurich” – John Mackay.
“Would someone tell me why The Fiver has joined in with Big Paper’s labelling of Sami Khedira as a defender (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs)? Surely no defender would have been able to tear Brazil apart as he did last summer, especially when faced with such an impressive rearguard. Oh” – Ross Wilson (and others).
“Whenever Dani Alves signs a new contract, I feel like Charlie Brown just after Lucy has snatched the football away he’s tried to kick. ‘Surely it’s not just a contract ploy this time?’ I think, only to be figuratively dumped on my tail when Barcelona sign him all over again. I anticipate being hoodwinked once again in 2017” – Daryl Jolliffe.
“I was also initially attracted to the loan-a-fan scheme that Barry Glendenning is currently peddling (Fiver passim). However, my repertoire is somewhat limited: I have a grumbling ‘C’mon City’ and a blood-curdling high decibel ‘Sort It Out!’ that has been known to make people in the rows in front jump, and in one instance cry. On the plus side, my signing-on fees are affordable (half-time pie, tea no sugar), and I’m free until August” – Andy Turner.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Benet Gladwin.
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BITS AND BOBS
Abou Diaby, Sylvain Distin and Glen Johnson are all on the official Premier League Do One List.
Karl Oyston has landed a six-week ban and a £40,000 fine for texts telling a “retard” Blackpool fan to “enjoy your special needs day out”. Oyston will also “undergo a mandatory education session”.
Fifa’s next president could emerge on 16 December, the likely date of their “extraordinary elective congress”. The Fiver’s backing Uncle Sepp at 250-1.
Aston Villa chief executive Tom Fox has totally refused to discuss Christian Benteke’s future. “There has been a lot of speculation and I’m not going to contribute to it or play any of our transfer strategy out in the press.” Although … “We will offer Christian Benteke a new deal this summer.” And … “If Christian wanted to leave, would we stand in his way? It’s about the individual and the relationship he has with the club.”
A court in Barcelona has thrown out an appeal lodged by Leo Messi’s lawyers, paving the way for him to stand trial over alleged tax fraud.
Jack Wilshere is set to accept his FA misconduct charge for saying a no-no word.
And social media’s ‘Arry Redknapp has had another opinion. Slaven Bilic is “a bit of a lad, he smokes about 80 fags a day, plays guitar in a pop-rock group and is a character – but he really knows his football.” T’riffic.
STILL WANT MORE?
A very good oral history of the World Cup that changed US soccerball, by Les Carpenter.
Last week Jack Warner bought a slot on Trinidad’s TV6, calling his broadcast “The Gloves Are Off”. This week comedian John Oliver bought a slot on TV6 for a rebuttal called “The Mittens of Disapproval Are On”. It’s all good news for the TV6 coffers.
Marina Hyde’s homemade Fifa investigation board now dominates two walls of her bedroom.
The Rumour Mill has always enjoyed counting. Today’s number is four: the number of schools of thought there are about Louis van Gaal.
Learn why Bryan Robson was nicknamed “dog poo” by Paul Gascoigne.
And it’s official, the off-season is here! Introducing The Bandinis 2015 – featuring a crying grandmother and one filthy rainbow flick.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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