CLIPPETY CLOBBERED
The hope for Tottenham when they built their big, brand new, shining home (that from the air rather unfortunately looks like a toilet seat), was it would be a venue where they could watch a young, vibrant team play exciting attacking football that would thrill the nation. The good news is they got just that on Tuesday night. The bad news is the team in question was Ajax.
For the first half an hour or so, it felt like we were watching the football equivalent of Wile E Coyote trying to catch Road Runner, every dastardly scheme thwarted as the speedy bird zipped past, making the slow-witted canine look increasingly foolish. MEEP MEEP! There goes Hakim Ziyech sprinting past a lumbering Toby Alderweireld. SPLAT! Oh dear, Victor Wanyama has tried to launch a boulder with a see-saw but it’s landed on his head. MEEP MEEP! David Neres produces a cloud of dust, leaving Danny Rose spluttering. THWACK! Kieran Trippier runs headlong into a painted tunnel entrance on a wall. Luckily for Spurs, they eventually got their act together and switched approach: which is to say they spent the rest of the game launching long balls towards Fernando Llorente’s head, which worked to a point, but would have been even more effective if Llorente was able to head, trap or chase after the ball.
Oddly it took an unfortunate event to turn the game and Tottenham’s tactics: when challenging for a header Jan Vertonghen whacked his nose into the back of Alderweireld’s head, causing his nose to start wazzing blood, and after a brief attempt to re-enter the field of play, his knees buckled like an overcome Victorian maiden and he had to be helped down the tunnel. He proclaimed himself to be fine afterwards, but this meant that: a) a phalanx of experts on Social Media Disgrace Twitter decided that them watching on TV meant they knew more about Vertonghen’s situation than the Spurs medical experts in the stadium; and b) Mauricio Pochettino could bring on Moussa Sissoko, whose introduction changed the game for a spell. Just read that last bit again and contemplate what a weird time we’re living in. Still, hats off to Spurs for not running straight off the edge of a canyon, turning to the camera and gulping before plummeting to earth. “I think the second half gives us hope,” whimpered Pochettino afterwards. They’re still in this, and go to Amsterdam next week with a chance of facing either Barcelona or Liverpool in Big Cup final.
The first salvo of the other semi-final takes place in Catalonia later, and does so with the unfortunate prelude of a little local difficulty in the city centre on Tuesday night. The wearying combination of booze and some people simply being irredeemable prongs, led to a few lashed up tourists shoving some locals into a nearby fountain, which to their credit the club quickly condemned. “Liverpool Football Club is working with Merseyside police and the authorities in Spain, who are endeavouring to identify those involved in the incident,” FFS’d a club statement. “Such behaviour is clearly totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated.” Hopefully that will not distract too much from the matter in hand, which as we all know is Liverpool fans hoping Virgil van Dijk’s previous experience against Barcelona will stand them in good stead: the Dutchman marshalled a Queen’s Celtic defence that went to the Camp Nou in 2013 and limited a Leo Messi-less Barça to a mere – checks notes – … six goals. Ah. MEEP MEEP!
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Barry Glendenning from 8pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Barcelona 2-1 Liverpool.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m fed up listening to people talk bull about tactics and formations and too much football science. Get first to the ball and you’ve got a chance in football. If you don’t get first to the ball, you’ve got no chance. Simple as” – Graeme Souness goes in hard on floating football brains in jars. In fact, almost as hard as this, this, this and this.
FIVER LETTERS
“Will someone tell The Fiver it is unfunny, clueless, smug, thick [Snip – Fiver Bad Word Ed]. Calling John O’Shea ‘John O’Pies’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) is a horrific joke and compounded by saying he plays for Sunderland. Clueless, smug [Snip-snippety-snip – FBWE]” – Tim Ward.
“As a lifelong Canary fan (first game in the 1960s with my granddad where I won a fiver (!) on the Golden Goal), I’m happy that there is limited Fiver exposure (yesterday’s Fiver letters). It seems that once the smooth talkers in Fiver Towers get hold of a club or player, it’s downhill all the way. Blackeye Rovers, Nasty Leeds, Ailsa, POJT, etc. Long may Norwich fly at the top of the league and under the radar. There will be ample coverage opportunities next season as they tackle the big guns. At least Luis Suárez has moved on. Has he been replaced? Oh” – Terry Banfield.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Terry Banfield, just.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Former Liverpool and Spurs midfielder Paul Stewart says he lost his football identity when he went public over sexual abuse he suffered as a child. “My identity is now that of someone that suffered historical abuse,” he said, adding that going public was “more than worthwhile, 10 times over”.
Decent Women’s FA Cup final news.
Bury have been promoted to League One but the club is in a bit of a state and players agreed not to go public over unpaid wages until they had gone up. “We kept it quiet, we didn’t want it to affect us,” sighed midfielder Neil Danns. “Now’s the time to say, no punches pulled, we haven’t been paid for two months.”
Barnsley and Luton have been celebrating wildly after being promoted to the Championship, with the Hatters already planning on appointing Graeme Jones boss.
Like REO Speedwagon, England are back on the road again. They’re taking the big Euro 2020 qualifier with, um … Kosovo, to Southampton.
After PSG lost again, 3-2 to Montpellier, Marquinhos would like his teammates to start giving a flying one. “Football is about a collective,” he fumed. “We cannot play $hit and keep losing games. We are PSG, we are the champions!”
Partick Thistle assistant boss Brian Kerr has gone Full Brendan by sending out a WhatsTok message to the squad, asking for help in picking the team for the ding-dong relegation decider against Queen of the South. “Boys, big game on Saturday, we want each of you too [sic] bring in your starting 11 tomorrow morning on a piece of paper in a blank envelope and hand it in at training,” he roared.
And The Fiver Big Website has been named best sports news website at the Drum Online Media Awards.
STILL WANT MORE?
Jinkin’ Donny van de Beek pressed pause on his TiVo-like football brain, and then delivered a telling blow for Ajax at Spurs, writes Barney Ronay.
Look out Chelsea! Eintracht Frankfurt’s Luka Jovic is living up to claims that “he’ll be the best striker in Europe,” toots Nick Ames.
Which clubs can proudly boast having the lowest-scoring top scorers of all time? The Knowledge knows, the big nerd.
Barça’s home humbling by Betis could be inspiration for Liverpool, explains Sid Lowe.
Ben Fisher on the rise and rise of Chris Wilder.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
