Welcome to the 18th Fiver Christmas Awards. Or is it the 19th? Oh, we don’t know. We’ve disingenuously pretended to forget how many times we’ve held these awards at least 14 times, so there’s a starting point for anyone who cares enough to tot it up. Furthermore, it’s now well over a decade since we awarded Bayer Leverkusen an unprecedented Fiver Christmas Awards quadruple, and in honour of their legendary coach Klaus Toppmöller (kids, ask your grandparents) we declare that now is a time for cigarettes and booze. And curly hair, with locks springy enough to hold a lit cigarette, just in case you have a can of Purple Tin and a quadruple gin on the go at the same time. But it’s also time to dole out a few awards. Mainly because we sense you’re losing interest already, and if we don’t start soon, The Fiver will be in your bin folder quicker than we can say “Gah!”, “Wah!” and “Oh reader! How could you!?”
THE LARRY DAVID AWARD FOR POSITIVITY
In difficult times, nothing elicits a smile quite like Roy Keane’s sunshine punditry. He spent most of the year thinking out loud as he tried to develop a cure for José Mourinho, pausing to sigh and sadly shake his head at the idea of a man shaving his legs, but he also found time to share a few thoughts on Liverpool. “If they were playing out in my back garden, I wouldn’t watch them,” said Keane, spotting no contradiction between that observation and his role as assistant manager of free-flowing entertainers the Republic O’Ireland.
THE BRIAN CLOUGH AWARD FOR LONGEVITY
Frank de Boer, who arrived in London intent on making Crystal Palace play like Ajax, and left 77 days later with a P45 and a newfound realisation that you can’t make a silk purse out of Christian Benteke.
THE GLENN HYSEN AWARD FOR DEFENDING
Victor Lindelof, whose early displays at centre-back resembled a one-legged cat on a hot-tin roof and left Manchester United fans wistfully recalling the serene elegance of David May and William Prunier.
THE MADONNA AWARD FOR NAKED AMBITION
Everton, who set their sights on breaking into the top six after a busy summer in the transfer market, then spent most of autumn in the bottom six. It was the worst attempt to reach the next level since Birmingham manager Barry Fry decided the only way to get his club out of the second tier was to break a longstanding curse by micturating extravagantly all over each corner flag. It worked: they were relegated.
THE KEVIN MIRALLAS AWARD FOR UNILATERAL IDIOCY
It’s that man Benteke, who nicked a last-minute penalty off Luka Milivojevic for Crystal Palace against Bournemouth, and then missed the bloody thing. Oh Christian!
THE SUTTON UNITED AWARD FOR CRAVENLY KOWTOWING TOWARDS THE FAUX OUTRAGE BRIGADE
Sky Sports, who issued an on-air apology after Alan McInally said a particularly excitable fan was “having a heart attack”. As a piece of inadvertent self-satire, it was genius. Honorary mention: the Wales FA, for hauling their own chief executive, Jonathan Ford, before a disciplinary commission over his comment that the next Wales manager will “definitely” not be English.
THE ROBOCOP AWARD FOR MALFUNCTIONING AND GOING ROGUE
Andy Carroll’s elbows, which spent the last few months of 2017 being accused of altering the contours of footballers’ faces up and down the country.
THE GEOFF HURST AWARD FOR POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Irredeemable tool Kelvin MacKenzie, who compared Ross Barkley to a “gorilla” in the super, soaraway Sun, and then pled – sorry, pleaded – innocence regarding Barkley’s Nigerian heritage. Soon after, McKenzie left the Sun by “mutual consent”. Hopefully they mutually consented him into the nearest pond and then fell in after him.
THE PAOLO DI CANIO AWARD FOR RESPECTING OFFICIALS
Lionel Messi, banned for a World Cup qualifier with Argentina after reportedly offering a linesman a not entirely sensical piece of advice: “[Eff] off, your mother’s a [cee]”. He shares the award with Luis Suárez, who called a linesman a “midget sh!t” after Messi’s goal was disallowed against Valencia. Més que respect!
THE AL CAPONE AWARD FOR GETTING THEIR MAN ON A TECHNICALITY
Back in March, Fifa banned Russian deputy prime minister Vitaly Mutko from being re-elected to the Fifa council, basically on an issue of small print, after he failed an eligibility test. What luck, then, when Mutko was fingered by the IOC for overseeing Russia’s (alleged) state-sponsored doping regime.
THE BORIS JOHNSON AWARD FOR INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS
Back in January, shortly after Marco Silva arrived and promptly improved Hull beyond all recognition despite selling their two best players, Paul Merson and Phil Thompson were invited to chuck in their two cents on the affair. And their verdict on this man, flagrantly and ostentatiously not from this country, was firm: “Why does it have to be a foreign manager? What’s he know about the Premier League? What’s he know?” enquired Merson. “He’s not gorra clue,” was Thompson’s opinion. Still, at least those two weren’t sent to Hull to try and smooth things over …
THE MICHAEL KNIGHTON AWARD FOR FLAMBOYANT, UNSUCCESSFUL TAKEOVERS
In March Paul Baccaglini, a former nude model, TV presenter and founder of a political party based on lemons, was unveiled as new president of Palermo. To prove his bona fides, he got the Palermo crest inked on his torso, although it was a little tricky to pick it out among the 60-plus other tattoos about his person. Alas, in a dazzling turn of events, his takeover collapsed when he couldn’t come up with the necessary readies. “I honestly feel that I gave it my all,” sighed Baccaglini.
THE MARK CLATTENBURG AWARD FOR EGOTISM IN REFEREEING
The king may no longer be on the throne, but he is still the king. “If I sent three players off from Tottenham, what are the headlines?” noted the now tragically ex-referee Mark Clattenburg, about the Chelsea v Tottenham game that he took charge of in 2016. “‘Clattenburg cost Tottenham the title.’ It was pure theatre that Tottenham self-destructed against Chelsea and Leicester won the title.” He later clarified his thoughts, saying: “One thing I certainly don’t want to do is be the centre of attention.” Sure.
PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Saido Berahino, for selfless services to the confidence of goalkeepers everywhere. A one-time Tottenham target with an England call-up to his name, the Stoke striker has not scored in 2,187 minutes of football. The good news for Stoke? His £70,000-per-week contract runs until June 2022.
RUNNER-UP
Lionel Messi. Duh!
TEAM OF THE YEAR
Sunderland. The Championship strugglers are courting back-to-back relegations, and did not win a home match in any competition between 17 December 2016 and 16 December 2017. They’re currently on their third manager of the year. Splendid.
BUMPER ONE-OFF FESTIVE TV & RADIO SPECIAL: ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR PERIOD
Right, aye. You are joking, aren’t you?
MAIL! MAIL! MAIL!
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