CROUCH, PAUSE … ENGAGE
When Michy Batshuayi’s latest loan move, Barcelona’s unwanted Suárez and a record Newcastle signing Danny Mills has not even heard of are your headline acts, then it’s apparent it has been a quiet January transfer window. Within the magic kingdom of yellow tickers, where the dress code was matching ties for the lads and designer belts for the lasses, not even Big Sam Allardyce’s gimlet eyes glazing over on the late shift could lift the intrigue levels as the window SLAMMED SHUT with five clubs not even bothering to buy anybody.
It was only really Fulham who pushed the panic-buy button, with the late arrivals of Havard Nordtveit and Lazar Markovic, deals to invoke smirks from fans of West Ham and Liverpool. But there is always a deal to take the eye, even gladden the heart. Seeing and hearing Sean Dyche talk about Peter Crouch was one of those moments when it becomes apparent that two people just belong together, and probably always did.
“I’ve always admired that Crouchy knows what he is, and isn’t really bothered about other people’s opinions,” growled and cooed Dyche. He might have been talking about himself. The 38-year-old object of Dychean admiration, despite a recent venture into podcast banter, said he wanted to play in the Premier League until he was 40, like that nice man Mark Hughes once did.
Sam Vokes has headed in the other direction. Burnley and Stoke have been conducting a cultural exchange for some years now. When Crouchie dipped his head below the dressing room door on Friday, he will have viewed the familiar faces of Jonny Walters and Phil Bardsley, two football men whose approach to the game embodies both clubs. These are hard schools, but they are fair schools, as Dyche, the rightful heir to Tony Pulis, would doubtless have it.
Wintry weather permitting on Saturday, Southampton, one of the striker’s 11 former clubs, will be the first victims of the brand new Dyche plan. It’s just like the old plan, except with super-sub Crouchie’s 6ft 7in frame lurching into the latter stages as Burnley go even longer than before in search of either a late goal, or the big man to hold the ball up.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“People said I would never play football in the first place, I was too small and not aggressive enough … so I had to go out and prove them wrong and work on my game” – 160 bookings and seven red cards later, it feels like Scott Brown, who has signed a new contract at the Queen’s Celtic, has probably made his point by now.
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FIVER LETTERS
“So, Peter Crouch is off to Burnley. Such was my workload on Thursday afternoon I’ve been doing some good doodling and discovered that the words ‘Crouch’ and ‘Burnley’ can be jumbled up to spell Bouncy Lurcher, which I think you’ll find describes Peter’s ambling gait to a tee. Kismet surely” – Marten Allen.
“Middlesbrough legend Bernie Slaven sent my brother a good luck message on his wedding day (yesterday’s Fiver letters). I’d had the idea months before but, somewhat predictably, went about it rather shambolically at the last minute. I resorted to writing on a message board of a radio station he was working on. He faxed over a handwritten (and rather funny) missive at the 11th hour. Top bloke” – Dan Ashley.
“Re: the Noble Francis letter about education attainment during tournament years (yesterday’s Fiver letters). I took my GCSEs during Euro 96. While most of my friends finished exams after the Switzerland game, I had to stay on for the additional maths exam which took place after the Netherlands game. I got a D in the exam but at least England won d/dx(3x + 9 / 2 - x) that night. Pedants will be pleased to know that summer marked the end of my scholastic maths career” – Alistair Drummond.
“Re club name faux pas: In Greece, I often heard Palace referred to as ‘Crystal’ as if we were a country singer – Jim Headley
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Dan Ashley, who wins a copy of Matchdays: the Hidden Story of the Bundesliga. Plenty more prizes to come.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A 30-year-old Italian man has been charged with assaulting Liverpool fan Sean Cox before the side’s match against Roma in April and is due in court on Merseyside after being extradited.
Maurizio Sarri is not your man-management type. “I like very much to speak to my players about tactical problems,” he sighed, when asked about Chelsea’s form taking a nosedive. “I don’t like to have to speak with them about mental problems.”
Ole Gunnar Solskjær reckons Anthony Martial should model himself on Cristiano Ronaldo, which sounds like splendid news for body-hair removal salons in Manchester. “Cristiano was the best … I speak about my experience at this club [with Ronaldo] and what [Martial] can achieve. I talk about Cristiano’s career … how he’s got there,” blathered Solskjær.
Claudio Ranieri is sticking to his offbeat survival tactic of collecting failed Liverpool wingers and has followed the signing of Ryan Babel with the free-transfer scooping up of 2014’s Lazar Markovic.
Qatar beat Japan 3-1 to win the Asian Cup.
And Hearts boss Craig Levein revealed he chose to watch something even more tedious than Sky’s deadline-day coverage last night: “I’m going to watch Snow Patrol tonight, my phone will be off.”
STILL WANT MORE?
The ball-hogging tedium at Chelsea cannot go on, yawns Dominic Fifield.
Ten things! Ten things ! Ten Things! Ten things! Ten things!
Our writers have rounded up every Premier League club’s January transfer window dealings so you don’t have to.
Nick Ames gets his chat on with Reading boss José Gomes, who waited 25 years to land a job in England after being inspired by Bobby Robson at Porto.
Gabriel Batistuta is 50 today! Emmet Gates celebrates his exotic brilliance by recalling seven of Batigol’s greatest goals.
Roll up, roll up, for your Friday fix of Barney Ronay.
Michy Batshuayi is likely to feel at home at Crystal Palace, reckons Ed Aarons.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
