DEEP BURN
It’s the Battle of Britain tonight! Sadly, if you want to watch the big Euro Vase clash between Aberdeen and Burnley and you don’t happen to live near sunny Pittodrie – hey, we’re grabbing the chance to say it while we can – then tough luck. Because it’s not on the television, which is a bit odd and very annoying. Sources close to the Fiver claim that Big Website was going to MBM the match but nobody, not BT Sport, nor Sky, nor STV, nor BBC Scotland, nor BBC Alba, nor that channel showing episodes of Indoor League right now (seriously, get on it) put in a bid. It’s only available via Aberdeen’s own subscription video service. Sources close to the Fiver hear that The Fiver is off to play a round of twilight golf instead.
As far as we can make out, and we’ve done no research, this is the first Battle of Britain not to be televised live since the actual Battle of Britain. That’s something of a shame especially for Burnley fans, given it’s their club’s first European tie for 51 years. Back in 1966-67, the Clarets competed in the old Fairs Cup, knocking out Stuttgart and Napoli along the way to a quarter-final defeat to Eintracht Frankfurt. Previous to that, they gave Big Cup a go in 1960-61 as English champions. That was an eventful run, manager Harry Potts sparking a brawl against Reims by running on to the pitch and moving a hotly contested free-kick a few yards back. He was escorted to the stands by a gendarme, stones whistling past his ears, and spent the rest of the match absentmindedly kicking the bloke next to him as he nervously played along. And you thought Sean Dyche was intense.
Burnley battled their way past Reims that year, and made it to the quarters before going out against Hamburg. They’ll be pretty happy if they make it similarly far in this season’s Euro Vase, though a place in the third qualifying round against Istanbul Basaksehir is the first goal, and far from guaranteed: Aberdeen haven’t lost at balmy Pittodrie in their last eight Euro Vase matches. The Clarets will take succour from the fact they’ve won seven of their eight previous games against Scottish opposition, in those ersatz competitions they used to have in the seventies, and that Dyche has never lost a competitive match against his Dons counterpart Derek McInnes, a legacy of their days at Watford and Bristol City. It promises to be a cracker. We only wish we could see it down south in Fiver Towers, we really do. Now, where are those golf shoes?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Barcelona called us to apologise, but I don’t accept their apology. The only way I accept is if they send us Lionel Messi. We had already agreed to a buyout clause. Nothing was signed? That’s bullsh!t. Every club knows how things work. Forget about the legality, it’s unethical and immoral. His agent? Maybe he’s a moron.” – Respect to Roma president James Pallotta for sneaking a cheeky bid for Messi into a colourful rant on the whole Malcom business.
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Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVER LETTERS
“On the subject of repeated initials (Fiver letters passim), I used to get hot under the collar about the LDV Vans Cup. Just about over it now” – Charles Lambert.
“A couple of decades ago the Acorn ARM Computer stood for Acorn (Acorn RISC Machine) Computer which stood for Acorn Acorn Reduced Instruction Set Computer Machine Computer. This must be worth a prizeless prize prize?” – Robert Macmillan.
“In Canada’s smallest province there is an ice hockey team that takes the province’s name. They are the P.E.I. Islanders. That is... the Prince Edward Island Islanders” –Andrew Want
“There is an archeological site in Los Angeles called The La Brea Tar Pits. As La Brea is Spanish for ‘the tar’, the full translated name is The The Tar Tar Pits” – Edward Bogira.
“Curry sauce is always one that should irk me, given that curry is derived from the Tamil word for ‘sauce’ but let’s be honest, any time I’m buying anything with curry sauce on it, the only thing likely to irk me is an absence of further Tin” – Derek McGee.
“Please allow me to be one of the 1,057 to congratulate John Goodman on leaving Ibis Information Services to go off and make Raising Arizona with the Coen brothers. It was an inspired career choice. And 31 years later, he even got a prizeless letter of the day out of it” – Brendan MacCarron.
“It’s easy to mock the MLS but we should all congratulate Alphonso Davies on his record breaking transfer from the Vancouver Whitecaps to Bayern Munich. Let’s hope he achieves as much as, or maybe even more than, the previous record holders.” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s prizeless winner of our prize for the prizeless letter o’the day is … Robert Macmillan.
BITS AND BOBS
Sir Alex Ferguson has spoken publicly for the first time since undergoing emergency brain surgery in May. “Without those people who gave me such great care I would not be sitting here today,” Ferguson said in a video published by MUTV. “So, thank you from me and my family.”
Abba aren’t the only Swedish institution enjoying a revival – the Sven-Göran Eriksson world tour could be hitting Baghdad after the Swede held talks to become the new Iraq manager. It would be the 10th (TENTH) different country Sven has worked in after Sweden, Portugal, Italy, England, Mexico, Ivory Coast, Thailand, the UAE and China.
José Mourinho has thrown some serious shade at Jürgen Klopp by claiming Liverpool’s summer spending means the German is now under pressure to win a trophy. Mourinho also found the energy for a playful/bitter dig at Klopp changing “as a person” over his commitment to spending big.
Rob Green is the latest once-promising English goalkeeper to become third choice at a Premier League side after signing a one-year contract at Chelsea. “It’s been a whirlwind 24 hours”, said the 38-year-old, after what will surely be the most exciting action he experiences all season.
With his entire first team still nursing minor World Cup-related knack, Mauricio Pochettino could do with his fringe players stepping up. “It’s a massive opportunity for them to fight for a place in the starting XI,” bellowed Poch.
The Queen’s Celtic are one step closer to (exiting the) Big Cup group stages after taking a 3-1 lead over Rosenborg in the first leg of their second-round qualifier.
Newcastle spend some money! Yes, really. Mike Ashley has given Rafa Benítez a whole £9.5m to buy Japan international striker Yoshinori Muto from Mainz, while a further £3m has brought Swiss centre-back Fabian Schär to Tyneside from Deportivo. That’s two players for around 25% of Richarlison, the new benchmark for contextualising Premier League transfer fees.
In the latest hot global friendly action, Liverpool have beaten Manchester City under-12s 2-1 while Arsenal need to work on their penalties.
STILL WANT MORE?
Santi Cazorla is making his way back to full fitness with Villarreal after his injury nightmare at Arsenal. Sid Lowe went to see him in action.
Mike Henson takes a look back at those halcyon early 90s days when Match and Shoot ruled the news stands.
New Liverpool signing Xherdan Shaqiri has some doubts as to whether or not the Neville brothers like his new team.
Have some Cameron Carter-Vickers on all things Tottenham, Team USA and becoming the next double-barrelled footballing sensation.
And, ahead of Thursday night’s Battle of Britain, test your knowledge of Anglo-Scottish European ties.
