Keep Josh Groban away from children... Can listening to his new album really cause asphyxiation? Photograph: Jim Cooper/AP
Last night, I was indulging my five-times-a-week rock 'n' roll habit of Coronation Street, when the advertising break jolted me back to earth. The offending item was an ad for a singer called Josh Groban who would - the voice-over excitedly inform me - "take my breath away."
I thought about this for more than a second, so in one respect the ad had worked. But what I thought was this: if Josh Groban really will take my breath away, I had better start writing a will pronto because, without breath, I will be clinically dead. Also: could this AOR, housewives'-choice horror "take my breath away" anywhere near as quickly as the sheer dunderheaded audacity of his advertisement?
If I'm honest - and unlike Groban's marketing department, I usually am - this sort of advertising guff in pop has been bugging me for years.
When I was a very small child, first acquiring records, I couldn't help but be confused by the claim on EMI releases that the label was the "Greatest Recording Organisation In The World." What made them so great? Their records were round, black and shiny like everyone else's. Admittedly, they had a fading T Rex. But even by 1974, I'd have argued that Polydor (who had Slade), Motown (who had the Miracles and Supremes), RAK (who had, er, Mud) and especially Bell Records (who had Gary Glitter and Showaddywaddy and a brilliant silver label) were infinitely greater.
But as an adult, you become much more aware of how over the top some of the advertising statements are. Bruce Springsteen never really lived down the "future of rock'n'roll" line and was reputed to have torn down posters bearing the tag, which was actually based on a misquote - from Jon Landau's "I saw rock'n'roll future and its name is Bruce Springsteen" review.
Some of the most preposterous slogans have been given to rock's biggest, and often most preposterous names. The Rolling Stones have been trading as the "world's greatest rock'n'roll band" for over 30 years, which is a clever way of ignoring the fact that they haven't made a decent album for 30 years.
Michael Jackson - long past his best - was suddenly titled the "King Of Pop". Hang about: isn't that Elvis? Or was the Pelv the King Of Rock? How many Kings are there exactly, and, in that case, who is pop's Queen or Duchess Of Windsor?
When I think of pop adverts, I remember how the pop industry should have offices in the toilet. Step forward Stiff Records, a brilliant label but did we really need the slogan If It Ain't Stiff, It Ain't Worth A Fuck?
The same label gave us the eye-catching full page ads for a 1986 album by King Kurt - a cartoon psychobilly band, not totally unlike the Horrors, but with fewer fights, tunes and less make-up. The album was called Big Cock, hence ads proclaiming - chortle, if you will - "King Kurt's Big Cock Is Out On Stiff." I despair, I really do.
Occasionally, a few adverts rise above the sewer. I always thought RCA's line for the 1977 David Bowie - "There's Old Wave. There's New Wave. And there's David Bowie" - was very classy and said it all. You have to admire the tongue-in-cheek audacity of the ads for Echo and the Bunnymen's Ocean Rain: the greatest album ever made. (Not entirely true, Mr. Big Mouth McCulloch, but on certain days it's in my Top 10.)
I like the jingles Hendrix did for Radio One ("Radio One" - Twang, thrust, screech - "you're my only one!") but my favourite has to be this obscure 1969 Velvet Underground radio ad for their third, eponymous (and perhaps greatest) album:
How do you feel? You don't really know how you feel. Why? Because you haven't heard the new Velvet Underground. Here are expressions of a new dimension in honesty, purity and feeling. The Velvet Underground. Not a probe. Not an exploration. Not an experiment. But a whole complete reality... The Velvet Underground. This is you. You'll find your love, your hopes, your reality. The Velvet Underground on MGM records will tell you how to feel.
What are your own most loved and loathed? Praise where necessary... or name and shame.
