Former prime minister Scott Morrison has joined Circus Oz as a portfolio juggler.
At a media conference, reporters asked why he didn’t tell anyone about his secret jobs: “That’s not my job,” Morrison replied.
“But that one is…. And that one… And that one… And that one…”
Morrison said he did it because he was “responsible pretty much for every single thing that was going on”.
This came as news to Almighty God, who prides Himself on running the universe and the Ministry of Finance.
Morrison said he’s proud to remain the member for Cooked.
“I just wanted to make sure everyone could do their job to the best of my ability.”
GOVERNOR-GENERAL AVAILABLE FOR WEDDINGS & POLITICAL PARTIES
The Governor-General of Australia, Mister Something O.R. Other is constitutionally the most powerful person in the country, which is why he’s supposed to shut up and do nothing.
When asked what a Governor-General generally does the Governor-General said, “I just govern, generally.”
The G-G was compelled to repeatedly swear in Scott Morrison. No doubt, this made him swear in English.
The Governor-General represents Her Majesty the Queen, best known for maintaining stability and Prince Andrew.
TIKTOK SLIP SLOP SLAPPED
TikTok finally realised that antisocial media attracts more likes.
The social media app for frivolity and viral viruses has slumped into political TikTok tit for tat.
Like Twitter and Facebook, the app is riddled with nasty nitpickers nibbling at each other’s anti-pronouns.
The company is changing its brand to PoliTikTok.
ANGLICAN AND ANGLICAN’T
Conservative Anglicans have conserved the Anglican church by splitting it.
The split is caused by divisions over same-sex marriage, which is rife with too much sex and too much same.
A fundamentally fundamentalist bishop bellowed: “Thou shalt not bear false wetness! All offenders will be defrocked, but they can keep the high heels.”
One hardline minister pontificated: “I encourage all ministers who lay people … sorry, ministers and lay people to only marry opposite sex’s members … sorry members of the opposite sex … sorry I said sex.”
A splitter spat, “If we’re going straight to Hell, we’re going to Hell, straight.”
In other news…
HOLLYWOOD ANNOUNCES NEW THOR MOVIE AND REBOOT OF NEW THOR MOVIE
NARROW ESCAPE ARTIST SLIPS THROUGH CRACKS
MAN DESCRIBES HIMSELF AS HE/HIM AS IF THAT’S SOMETHING TO GLOAT ABOUT
KISS TOUR OFF AFTER GENE SIMMONS POKES OUT TONGUE & BREAKS HIP
SUSPICIONS GROW MORRISON WAS ALSO SECRETLY ALP MEMBER