AS THEY CAMPAIGNED, SO SHALL THEY LEAD
Whoever wins the election, Australians expect the Prime Minister to continue touring the nation hairdressing, welding, forklifting and beating kids at football.
But not leading.
EXIT POLLS SHOW MAJORITY OF VOTERS JUST GLAD IT’S OVER
The longest election campaign in short-term memory made voters teeter precariously between apathy and drawing a penis on their ballot.
Meanwhile, Undecided voters’ inability to make decisions could be permanent. Or not.
An old Undecided voter with a mono-brow on one side said, “It started at high school with the debate about Skyhooks versus Sherbet. I chose Sherbet, which history shows was the wrong decision.”
He didn’t want to upset the status quo, or any other Boomer rock bands.
Polling suggests that 100 per cent of Undecided voters will make up their minds after they’ve voted. Medical staff are standing by to treat self-imposed shin-kicking injuries.
A decidedly indecisive undecider said, ”I’ve definitely made up my mind … or was that my bed?”
WHY CAN’T NEWS OUTLETS GIVE GOOD HEADLINES THESE DAYS?
The shouting press pack hounding Scomo and Albo have apologised for putting fake opinions before fake news.
A journalist said: “We were distracted by cheap shots. Tequila, mostly.”
An editor agreed. “We no longer print good copy, we copy good print.”
Media organisations are so ashamed of their election coverage they’re changing their names to be more apt.
- The Australian will be known as The Australian Which Is Owned By An American
- The Guardian will be The Green Left Weekly Daily
- The Sydney Morning Herald and The Age will be Clusterfact
- Sky News is changing its name to Tony Abbott Tonight!
- Crikey.com is changing its name to see if anyone notices
- And one day, Channels 7, 9 and 10 will be known as “Believe me, kids – TV used to have ads!”
IT’S ALL VAPE AND MIRRORS
Police are cracking down on the illegal sale of nicotine e-cigarettes and liquids because prohibition of substances works.
“We got rid of meth and marijuana,” said a detective trying to find his way out of a barrel.
“We’ll stop dangerous addictions,” he said beside a supermarket cigarette counter.
Meanwhile, it’s illegal to sell vaping products over the counter but in some states, they can be acquired via a prescription. [Discuss.]
A police spokescop said, “It’s fine in theory but there’s just too much vapor work.”
In other news …
- MISSING LNP FRONT BENCH RELEASED FROM WITNESS PROTECTION
- ASSISTED DYING LAW PASSED JUST IN TIME FOR ELECTION LOSER
- SCOMO TO RENAME HIMSELF ‘BULLDO’
- VIEWERS WHO NEVER SAW TOP GUN COMPLETELY LOST DURING TOP GUN: MAVERICK
- FRYDENBERG SAYS WE SHOULD’VE HAD JOSHKEEPER
Tomorrow’s Election Headline:
- DEWEY BEATS TRUMAN!
