Oh look, it's not Cher but it is Madonna. Whereas Cher once humped a ship's cannon in a video complaining about how she could not turn back time, Madge has gone and done just that, wearing the kind of corset-style dress she flogged around town 20 years ago and a hairstyle straight out of Material Girl. Good - maybe she'll chuck that gorblimey husband and go back to her glory days of pretending to date Michael Jackson. Photograph: Yui Mok/PA
So I was at the Chanel fashion show last October, and I see all these flashbulbs going off around some 50-something woman in a hideous jacket and trouser combination. Hmm, who's that, I muse, oh my God, it's Katie flipping Holmes. True story. And here she is, continuing her current look of wearing a dress 20 years too old for her, maybe to distract the public from that increasingly demonic glint in her husband's eyes. Photograph: Yui Mok/PA
Screw you, Simon Cowell, with your yappy put-downs and flat-top hairstyle. You chucked me off your poxy American Idol show and now here I am, waggling around an Oscar and showing that I know how to dress large embonpoints better than anyone else in Hollywood. Photograph: Getty
Hey, check it out, it's Kate Winslet in a one shoulder dress - never seen that before. Oh wait, yes we have... at pretty much every red carpet event she's been to since 1994. Yes, it's a perfectly nice look but Kate, to quote the much-missed Cher in Moonstruck, snap outta it! The cape is good. Excellent, should she need to fly off to save Metropolis at a moment's notice. Photograph: Frazer Harrison/Getty
You can imagine the thought process: "OK, I'm Cate Blanchett and, for once, I'm probably not going to go home with an award - that's a bit of a shame. Oh, well, I'll just dress like an Oscar. That'll make me feel a bit more at home. That's Australian nous, you know." Photograph: Wires/PA
Ah, bless, it's like Courtney Love and Amanda de Cadenet all over again - without the fun, of course, as we are talking about Nicole Kidman. Both perfectly tasteful, perfectly dull. Just remember ladies, De Cadenet and Love fell out quite soon after the ceremony, allegedly over a man. Photograph: Hector Mata/AFP
James Blunt was at the Oscars. J-A-M-E-S B-L-U-N-T. Why the hell does James Blunt get to go to the Oscars and I don't? Anyway, unsurprisingly, he looked awful so we're not subjecting you to any photos. Far better are the lovely Y Tu Mama Tambien boys who pull off that sexy dishevelled thing far better than Blunt. Photograph: Kevork Djansezian/AP
Ah bless - it's like watching a Hollyoaks actress having a night out. Crystals up the back? What is she, a Wag? No, she's Forest Whitaker's wife and Keisha, honey, it's not working. Extra points deducted for the fact that Jane Norman will be rolling out copies of this before the month is out, you mark my words. Photograph: Hector Mata/AFP
Thank God for Gwynnie, always to be relied upon for looking a total state. Here she is, doing her best homage to Ariel, The Little Mermaid. Well, maybe her daughter Apple enjoyed it. Photograph: Kevin Winter/Getty
Totally loving Helen's hair but, really, it's the full package: a long-sleeved dress that actually looks glamorous, a low v-neck that gives a chest almost to revival Jennifer Hudson's, a swishy train that isn't too girlish. Gor bless you mum, et cetera and so forth. Photograph: Kevork Djansezian/AP
Look, you're a young child, you're up for an Oscar, what else would you wear but a Halloween princess costume? Bless her, let her enjoy it, and look how she's stroking that crystallised clutch bag so proudly. Incredibly, manages to look even cuter than she did in Little Miss Sunshine. Photograph: Vince Bucci/Getty
"Name's not on the list, gerrout o' my face, mate." A useful demonstration of how men who shave their heads to disguise baldness rarely do themselves many favours. Photograph: Chris Carlson/PA
Beyonce flashes a lotta leg, but she can't compete with Jennifer. Photograph: Frazer Harrison/Getty
