THE BARBS OF SEVILLE
Gareth Southgate went into England’s League Q Group 73 Matchday B3 encounter with Spain in September pointing out that the Ethics World Cup had gone quite well and Euro 2020 was just around the corner, so “we don’t want to waste time looking at new things”. And then Spain shellacked them in what was a pretty effective end to all that throwing beer all over Croydon Boxpark stuff from the summer.
As a result, the policy of “not looking at new things”, has led to a system change, a host of new England call-ups (yet still Morris Dancing Fiver is marooned on the bench), and the extraordinary reinvention of football as an over-the-counter Temazepam alternative against Croatia on Matchday AX2+BX+π = 0. Still, at least a small section of England’s fans are not changing, having smashed up various bits of Seville on Sunday night in a historical re-enactment of the Moorish invasion of 712.
England face good-again Spain again on Monday evening at Estadio Benito Villamarín without the suspended John Stones and Jordan Henderson, and with an attack as out of shape as a drunken yogi. Southgate has blamed England’s woes on the Premier League season starting too early. “I didn’t really know why it started then,” he parped. “Maybe they were expecting us to be back by the end of June.”
As for Spain, they’ve taken the somewhat disturbing tack of shrugging off a nightmarish World Cup, playing well again and being oddly nice to England. “I like Southgate as a manager, what he brings,” cooed the Big Cup-winning former head coach of Barcelona, Luis Enrique, about, erm, Middlesbrough Gaz – before Sergio Ramos twirled his ‘tache, and suggested Harry Kane might be a good fit in La Liga. There are all sorts or permutations as to what the result in Spain would mean for League Q Group 73, which The Fiver has absolutely no interest or intention of looking into, save for one: it means we’re one matchday closer to the end of this interminable international hell.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Tom Bryant for hot MBM coverage of Spain 3-1 England in the Nations League from 7.45pm BST.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He was a hugely talented, knowledgeable, funny and, above all else, a good man. We will miss him” – Brighton & Hove Albion lead the tributes to former BBC, ITV, Football Italia, Sky and Pro Evo commentator Peter Brackley, who has died aged 67.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest Football Weekly podcast for your aural pleasure.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Last-minute goalscoring goalkeeper magic from Belgium.
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FIVER LETTERS
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Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Duncan Dyer.
BITS AND BOBS
After watching his Scotland side get thumped by Portugal’s U-12s, Alex McLeish says he needs to “stand up and be brave” to take his side forwards. “It’s never easy to lose and that was a tough weekend,” sniffed McLeish. “[Russia boss] Stanislav Cherchesov persevered. I’ll always retain that determination.”
Meanwhile, Scottish fitba has a Hall of Fame?
Martin O’Neill seems to be writing cheques that his O’Ireland team can’t cash.
Xherdan Shaqiri is presumably holding a jar to the Liverpool physio room door as Mo Salah finds out how long his unspecified muscle-knack will keep him out for.
Football Federation Australia took little time in inviting Usain Bolt to turn up for a flamin’ drugs test after the former sprinter’s two-goal display in his second trial game for Central Coast Mariners. “How am I going to get a drug test today? I’m not even a professional footballer yet,” gasped Bolt.
Chelsea boss Emma Hayes is feeling philosophical after watching her WSL champions get walloped 5-0 by Arsenal. “Being humbled occasionally doesn’t do us any harm,” she soothed. “Their top players played well.”
Milan are considering cancelling Tiémoué Bakayoko’s loan deal and sending him back to Chelsea due to “defects in his game” rather than defects in their scouting setup.
And Vincent Kompany has congratulated dad Pierre after the 71-year-old was elected as Belgium’s first black mayor in Brussels. “It has never happened before. It’s historic. We are all happy,” he cheered.
STILL WANT MORE?
Come get your Women’s Super League talking points, courtesy of Rachel Brown-Finnis.
Jake Clarke-Salter gets his chat on with Stuart James.
Kirsty Linnett and Chris Wood get their chat on with Andy Hunter.
Who’d be a referee, muses Michael Hann.
Steven Pye sets the dial on his DeLorean to 18 February 1987 and takes us to marvel at Gary Lineker’s four-goal heroics in England’s 4-2 shellacking of Spain.
Raheem Sterling is cool as a cucumber and confident he’ll discover his England shooting boots soon enough, writes Daniel Taylor.
One shares a flat with his boss, another is known as the “big-picture man” – here’s a who’s who of Premier League No 2s.
When former Cork, Hull and Blackpool defender Brian Lenihan left football in 2017 it was from despair, not injury, explains Barry Glendenning.
Premier League fan verdicts so far: part one and part two.
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