BY GARETH, THEY DID IT
When the England team was leaked early on Tuesday afternoon to The Internet, The Fiver was (obviously) incensed. Three at the back?! THREE?! Or is it five? FIVE AT THE BACK? With two defensively-minded central midfielders? But we are Ingerland, on home turf, and it’s only the bloody Germans! Gareth Southgate, doesn’t know what he’s doing! Absolute muppet, mate! I once went to see [generic football team] play at Middlesbrough in 2007 and we absolutely battered them. He’s not cut out for this job, that’s for sure. La Liga winner Kieran Trippier at right wing-back?! SOUTHGATE OUT!
A few hours later was a brief moment in injury time, when The Fiver was sitting on the chaise longue trying to make sense of the fact that England were 2-0 up and coasting to a win over their biggest rivals. With Tin pouring into its mouth as readily as the English bodies cascading down the stands just a few moment earlier, The Fiver surmised that Southgate might be the greatest tactical mind ever to survey the game. Always said it, mate. Absolute genius. What the man can’t do with a whiteboard.
If our English cousin, $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, had come over for the game, it might have pointed out that a bit of humble pie should be eaten. That Southgate has got a lot right this tournament, from the inclusion of Kalvin Phillips and Tyrone Mings, to the use of England’s frightening bench, that he probably knows what he’s on about to the backing of Raheem Sterling, to the tone and calmness by which he has approached almost every on and off field issue in the last few weeks. But $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver didn’t come over, so that was that.
So while Southgate has bought himself a bit of time with that result, he better watch it for the quarter-final. If he doesn’t play Union Jack Grealish from the start on Saturday against Ukraine, who Shevchenkoed their way into the last eight with an extra-extra-time winner against Sweden late on Tuesday night, the knives will be out! You have been warned, Gareth!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m thinking that maybe it is coming home but it’s not yet coming home” – José Mourinho gives his hot take on England’s chances after the win over Germany.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Daily at EN 2020: here’s the latest episode.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’m beginning to see that Greece 2004 team in a different, and far more positive, light” – Tim Woods.
“So, we finish 44 matches to arrive at just one interesting quarter-final clash. Even that is diluted after Pepe destroyed the backbone(s) of Belgium. Congratulations Italy, already?” – Krishna Moorthy.
“Steve Malone might want visual evidence of what goes on behind closed doors at Fiver Towers, but I certainly don’t. The written descriptions are disturbing enough, thank you” – Richard O’Hagan.
“Could you forward this to the Football Weekly folks? I’ve been really enjoying the daily Euro pods. Lately, they’ve been a bit like the movie Tenet, with time moving both forwards and backwards. I get a kick out of Max referencing their past selves in segments that they play at the top of the pod but really recorded after everything else. Could Barry try to read some commentary backwards for the full pseudo time travel experience? Thanks from a USA! USA!! USA!!! listener who can’t watch the matches live while I’m at work” – Kevin Fox.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Tim Woods.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Sweden boss Janne Anderson was close to shedding hot salty tears of despair after their last-gasp 2-1 extra-time defeat by Ukraine. “This is the worst thing I have experienced in a football context, it was brutal,” he sniffed. “It’s so awful and brutal, it doesn’t get any worse when we talk sports.”
Netherlands manager Frank De Boer is now just plain old Frank De Boer again. “I have decided not to continue as national coach,” sobbed FDB. “The objective was not achieved, that much is clear.”
And Belgium boss Bobby M did not sound too hopeful that Kevin De Bruyne and Eden Hazard will be fit and ready to torment Italy on Friday. “Our main concern at the moment is time, as the match against Italy is coming up quickly,” he sighed. “In the event that we go through, they will be ready for the semi-final anyway.”
NON EUROS BUSINESS
Some Everton fans will be delighted to hear that Rafa Benítez has agreed a three-year deal to manage the club.
Patrick Vieira is in line to succeed Mr Roy as Crystal Palace manager after agreeing terms with the club.
Lionel Messi will be able to join Tranmere Rovers, Rotherham or Spurs (honk) on a free at midnight on Wednesday unless he signs a new Barcelona deal quick-sharp.
Birmingham Women have appointed Scott Booth as new manager.
And Markus Schopp has wasted no time in trying to sweet-talk Barnsley fans after being named as their new boss. “There are so many clubs [in England] and they are so famous and Barnsley, for me, is one of those teams,” he cooed.
STILL WANT MORE?
Luke Shaw good. Harry Maguire great. Raheem Sterling greater. Even Harry Kane OK. Jacob Steinberg’s ratings from Wembley.
The Fiver’s answer to Nancy Banks-Smith, Michael Butler, watched the BBC tellybox coverage of England winning the Euros at the second-round stage.
“The feeling of people emerging from a fever dream into some strange new light.” Barney Ronay savours the moment England believed.
Lager, vindaloo, muesli, aquamarine sheets. Jonathan Liew takes in the sheer joy of England fans watching their team being good at football.
This was a Löw. Nick Ames on Jogi’s last stand.
France had every chance to win Euro Not 2020 but Didier Deschamps blew it, reckons Eric Devin.
The Knowledge on chainsaws and pyro being used in weird post-goal stunts in football.
Here’s the latest state of play in the Golden Boot race.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
