The England team's summer holidays

Phil Burns is feeling bleak, man. "2 weeks to reflect about privilege, lifestyle, commitment..." Photograph: x

John Barry thinks England's players might want to keep a low profile this summer. Photograph: x

"I'll never give up on England," parps Steve McClaren in Andrew Ferguson's effort "Besides, Blackpool was always my first choice." Photograph: x

But Sam Lassman knows there's only one way to really have fun at the seaside. Photograph: x

Joseph Duca thinks he might yet be able to find a use for Frank Lampard and chums at Euro 2008. Photograph: x

"The boys are going on a time-travel holiday to when England used to be a force," parps David Rees. Photograph: x

Simon Coker thinks England's players could benefit from an exchange programme. "The Kazakh people would benefit from the advanced English culture the boys would impart, and our idols could gain valuable knowledge to make benefit our glorious qualifying campaign behind Croatia." 'Idols', Simon? Photograph: x

"Steve was looking forward to getting away from it all, next summer," mutters Daniel Norton. Nope, us neither. Photograph: x

Domenico Bartolo can foresee Steve McClaren's lads' holiday going awry. "Wait - this isn't Ibiza! How are we supposed to score here?!" Photograph: x

"It's time to hand over to the new golden generation," sighs Matthew Evans. Photograph: x

"No amount of surgical modifications can buy Steve McClaren his anonymity," warns Martin Nicholson. "Sooner or later the England supporters will catch up with him and his inept charges." Photograph: x

"Brian, I've decided I'm going to play Lampard's daughter up front against Croatia," chortles Christopher Reed. Photograph: x

Adrian Moore's effort is pretty self-explanatory, really. Photograph: x

"Summer 2008," begins Juergen Schnell. "With most of the seasonal Eastern European workers away in Austria/Switzerland supporting their national sides, otherwise redundant labourers and their families have to be drafted in to save England's strawberry harvest." Photograph: x