Name: Pork pies.
Age: Ancient.
Status: Endangered.
This sounds ominous. It is. A new report has been published, claiming that we may be living through the final generation of the pork pie.
But pork pies have been around for hundreds of years. They have. There are medieval cookbooks that contain recipes for pork pies. They’re an immovable part of British culture. Or at least they were.
So who do we blame? Gen Z, obviously.
First they came for skinny jeans, and I said nothing. This is far worse. Nothing on Earth is finer than a proper hand-thrown pork pie, made with a hot water crust pastry, eaten outside on a warm summer’s day.
Then why has gen Z abandoned it? Because, get this, a large proportion of young people have never tried one.
That’s that, then, let’s organise a minibus convoy to the beautiful market town of Melton Mowbray. Steady on, worse is to come. Pork pies are just the tip of the edible iceberg that gen Z wants to destroy.
They are? I’m afraid so. There are plenty of other foods these zoomers are reluctant to try. Two-thirds of them have never eaten jellied eels, for example.
Well that just makes sense. Jellied eels are disgusting. OK, then what about this: almost half have never eaten a well-done steak.
Of course they haven’t. Why would anyone want to gnaw on a well-done steak? OK then, a third of gen Z has never sat down to a dinner of liver and onions. What do you think about that, huh?
Oh, I get it. These are all horrible foods from the 70s. No they’re not. They are British classics.
They are not classics. They are bad, old food that people ate in the days when they had limited choice. Well, OK, fine, they’re all pretty grim. But pork pies! They’re nice, right?
Yes! We have to do something about it. But what? We need to get gen Z to look past the claggy disappointment of supermarket pork pies and nudge them towards smaller, well-respected producers.
Good idea. Get yourself a proper pork pie and you’ll see the difference. It’s night and day. The snap of the pastry. The well-seasoned juiciness of the pork. The sensation of being truly satisfied.
God, you’ve made me hungry. Me too. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Yes! Let’s go and get some jellied eels! Get out.
Do say: “Pork pies are an important part of the British identity and must be preserved at all costs.”
Don’t say: “Except for those ones that have boiled eggs in the middle, because they’re obviously awful.”
