Australia pinches another world-beater
For the first 70-odd years of Australia’s Test cricket history – before Richie Benaud or Shane Warne had even entertained the idea of a flipper – the concept of an Australian leg-spinner was almost solely synonymous with Clarrie Grimmett, who took 216 Test wickets during the Bradman era. Grimmett might not still capture the public imagination the way Warne does (who would have featured in Grimmett’s pool room mural, do you think? Dame Nellie Melba? Chips Rafferty? Happy Hammond? And what would the catering be like? Bread and dripping?) but he was most assuredly the Australian slow bowling idol of his day.
The only problem is that Grimmett, born on Christmas Day in 1891, was actually a Kiwi who had risen to Plunket Shield first-class ranks by the age of 20 and though he crossed the ditch of his own volition, Australia did sort of steal him and claim him as their own. His leg-spin prowess probably wouldn’t even have been discovered had a Wellington schoolmaster not banned him from bowling fast. Wisden said, “Grimmett must have been the best Christmas present Australia has ever received from that country”, but that was in 1980, long before any of us pulled OMC’s “How Bizarre” CD single out of our stockings, so perhaps that one’s up for debate.
Trans-Tasman netball wars
When it comes to intense, all-encompassing sporting rivalries, Australia and New Zealand are the Roadrunner and Wile E Coyote of the netball world, though the Kiwis do occasionally win a major tournament so perhaps that’s a little harsh. Of the sport’s 15 World Cups, Australia have won 10 outright, shared another with New Zealand and Trinidad and Tobago; the Silver Ferns also have three trophies of their own. The other nations mostly just make up the numbers.
If every world championships pool match is merely a warm-up act for the inevitable Trans-Tasman final, it hasn’t stopped the tournament from producing some of the most thrilling sporting moments between the two nations, none more so than Sharelle McMahon’s last second buzzer-beater in the 1999 decider in Christchurch. It’s a pity we can’t include a single iconic moment from towering New Zealand goal shooter Irene van Dyk (who scores double sports villain points for her early career as a Springbok) here, but McMahon’s wild celebration encapsulated everything great about the rivalry.
Kangaroos-Kiwis rugby league Tests, where football occasionally breaks out
International rugby league rivals since 1908, the Kangaroos and the Kiwis have produced some barnstorming footy over the years and plenty of controversy too, from King Wally Lewis steamrolling Darrell Williams to Willie Mason’s ill-advised haka reaction of ‘06, Steve Matai’s big hit on Mark Gasnier in ‘07 and Billy Slater’s infamous 2008 World Cup gaffe that led to Benji Marshall’s winning try for the Kiwis.
But no moment between the sides was wilder than Greg Dowling and Kevin Tamati’s fist-flailing display of pugilism when the two nations met in 1985. The referee sin-binned the pair for a brief punch-up that was actually brought under control, but there wasn’t much he could do when the pair resumed hostilities by the Lang Park fence, punching on furiously and delaying play again. The story had a dark undertone, it turned out, with Tamati breaking his silence in 2008 and saying that the fight was sparked by racial abuse he had suffered during the game. Relations between the two sides had never been so toxic.
Trevor Chappell’s underarm ball
When Richie Benaud gives you a nationally-broadcasted ticking off, you really know that you’ve taken things too far. So was the case for Australian cricket captain Greg Chappell when he infamously ensured a 1981 one-day international victory over the Kiwis by instructing brother Trevor to bowl the game’s final delivery underarm. If not in direct contravention of the tournament’s rules, it was most assuredly against its spirit. Trans-Tasman relations soured badly in the immediate aftermath, with Kiwi Prime Minister Robert Muldoon calling the Aussies “yellow” and declaring Chappell’s actions “the most disgusting incident I can recall in the history of cricket”, a title that eventually had a challenger when Mark Richardson and Darren Lehmann raced each other wearing full-body skin suits a few decades later.
Back in the Nine studio, the normally serene Benaud was about as close to bursting a blood vessel as he ever got. “I think it was a disgraceful performance from a captain who got his sums wrong today,” fumed the commentary legend, “and I think it should never be permitted to happen again... I think it was a very poor performance – one of the worst things I’ve seen done on a cricket field.” Kiwis at least had one Australian to furiously agree with and eventually got some revenge during Richard Hadlee’s magnificent summer of 1985-86, but mainly had to make do with harbouring intense, life-long grudges. At least Brian McKechnie got to throw his bat.
The bad old Socceroos
On the horrifying ghost train that was the Socceroos’ path through World Cup qualifiers in the period between their 1974 and 2006 finals appearances, there weren’t many moments more crippling to the national football psyche (Iran ‘97 maybe?) as their 2-0 SCG loss to the Kiwis in May 1981. That all but ended Australia’s hopes of a finals appearance and to see the New Zealanders go through instead made it all the worse. Couldn’t South Korea have gone instead? Or Taiwan? Aussie fans had to make to with schadenfreude when the men in black got thumped a cumulative 12-2 in their three tournament losses against Brazil, Scotland and the Soviet Union.
Perhaps the awkward footballing relationship between the two nations is better articulated by the historical tendency of Australia’s top league to chew up and spit out a succession of New Zealand franchises. Does anyone still have a Football Kingz NSL shirt in homage to the long-defunct, Auckland-based NSL franchise? When they disappeared after five dismal seasons the next cab off the rank was the New Zealand Knights, sandwich-shop-sponsored battlers who lasted two seasons in the nascent A-League. Now we’ve got the Wellington Phoenix, though not for much longer if this week’s league licence knock-back is anything to go by. You wonder whether they thought it would ever pan out any differently.
