Living with the loss of a loved one is tough at any time, but Christmas can amplify those feelings of sadness.
And when parents have lost a child, it can be even harder to bear - as they struggle to come to terms with those lost years, while often having to keep things together for other children.
It's something that mum Diane Roberts, from Wigan, has become accustomed to over the years, since losing her daughter Jemma in 2014.
Jemma was just 13 when she died from sepsis while on her period after suffering suspected Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) - a bacterial infection which can lead to organ failure and cause the body to shut down.
A member of Hindley Swimming Club, Jemma had begun using tampons as a more convenient way to keep training while on her period and began feeling unwell with sickness and diarrhoea while on a family holiday.
After wrongly being diagnosed with winter vomiting bug Norovirus, she was rushed to Wigan Infirmary when her condition deteriorated, before being transferred to the Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital and then Alder Hey Children’s Hospital, where she died.
Diane, who is spending this Christmas with her husband Tony, 50, and 19-year-old son Joseph, who was just 11 when his big sister died, has shared her ongoing grief over losing Jemma - how she coped the first Christmas without her and how the pain gets harder as each year passes.
"Christmas can be a difficult time of year for a lot of families, but the loss of a child changes the whole family dynamic such that it can never be the same again," said Diane, 51.
"The year Jemma died both her grandads said they couldn't face coming to our house for dinner as they had done in previous years. None of us wanted to celebrate, we didn't put a tree up or any decorations the first year, we couldn't face it.
"Christmas day, what do you do?…. Ignore it and hope it passes by or try, try to live. We didn't want to sit at the dining table, the empty chair haunting us.
"We had an invite to Tony's cousins, and accepted, a change to the normal routine hoping that being surrounded by people would help. It did in the short term, had a lovely meal and a few drinks, and then a few more…., but then there’s the guilt, what right do we have to take any pleasure?…. You look back and wonder, should we have stayed at home, ignored the festive celebrations and treated it like any normal day.
"Since that first year I'd like to say it got better but in all honesty each year it seems to be harder. When you lose someone close, friends and family rally round for the first year.
"They are there to help you through anniversaries, birthdays and special occasions. But they have their own lives to live and gradually move on, their lives returning to ‘normal’ - a handful remain and are always there when needed.
"We have since moved house as we were building our own house when Jemma died, there is no dining room table. We do put the tree up and we do Christmas dinner but it's just the three of us.
"We visit Jemma's garden, (her resting place at St David's Churchyard in Haigh), have a drink with her and remember what Christmas used to be like, and maybe the hardest thing of all is wondering what it would be like if she was still with us.
"On the first Christmas without her we bought an imitation twig like tree for her garden. Her friends and family bought decorations for it, we put it there each year with those decorations on and her friends have added to it over the years. It means so much to us that they still remember her, they were 13 when she died and they are now in their 20s, some with children of their own.
"Christmas cards are a no. Cards are like a 'trigger' for me, it takes me back to all of the ones we received when she died. We only send to immediate family, and always include Jemma's name.
"Jemma is still a part of us even, though she isn't physically here. It means so much when people remember her and say/write her name. It hurts so much when we receive a card and Jemma’s name is not included.
"Someone said to me early on people grieve in different ways, there is no right way or wrong way. My advice to anyone who has lost someone close, especially a child, is to do what feels right for you and your family.
"Don’t feel pressured by expectation, or bullied into something that is someone else’s idea of what you should be doing or feeling.
"If only everyone giving their worldly advice could walk in my shoes just for an hour. Christmas is all about the kids, and losing one is about the hardest thing anyone can have to endure.
"You don't have to do what others expect or want, it's a really emotional time and you need to look after and be kind to yourself."
Since Jemma's death, Diane has been raising awareness of the TSS danger signs and is a volunteer for the Sepsis Trust.
The NHS lists these TSS symptoms:
- a high temperature (fever) of 39C (102.2F) or above
- a low temperature
- flu-like symptoms, such as a headache, chills, muscle aches, a sore throat and a cough
- feeling and being sick
- diarrhoea
- a widespread sunburn-like rash
- the whites of the eyes, lips and tongue turning a bright red
- dizziness or fainting
- breathing difficulties
- confusion
- drowsiness
- Sometimes you may also have a wound on your skin where the bacteria got into your body, but this isn't always there and it may not look infected.
- More information here
For more information, go to www.sepsistrust.org.
