Three contestants. Three weeks. Three changes of tie. A nation on tenterhooks, whatever the hell they are. And in the end, it all came down to this one, final performance. It's Time! To Face! The Election Debate Grand Final!
All of our contestants have been on a giant emotional rollercoaster over the past weeks, but they've given it at least 110%, which by coincidence the same amount of tax paid by homeless chartered accountants to fund bankers' inheritance tax. Or something.
Winning is everything in this show – there are no prizes for second place, unless you do a complicated coalition deal behind the bike sheds that nobody understands, or come third, in which case you could still win. It's a system only Simon Cowell could design.
So, on this Grand Final night, let's look at the how the contestants fared:
The glitz
No showbiz expense spared by the BBC this evening – after two weeks of recycled 80s gameshow sets from Sky and ITV, the BBC cracked open a few glowsticks for a headache-inducing version of Monet's Houses of Parliament knocked up on Microsoft Paint.
It also merged perfectly with the autumn hues of Dave's perma-tan – thank goodness he still has a full head of hair, or he'd have been nothing more than a shop window mannequin with a floating row of tiny rodent teeth.
The journey
It's undoubtedly been an up and down rollercoaster journey of highs and lows. There have been grown men fighting, and yelling accusations, and waving their manbags.
After his dreadful performance in Mariah Carey week Dave learned to look at the camera, apart from the occasions when he forgot and ended up looking a bit shifty, mainly because his eyes are too close together.
Nick has emerged from the shadows to be an unlikely contender – the nation does love an underdog, particularly when he's up against the political equivalent of Shayne Ward and Steve Brookstein.
The performances
A solid performance from all three this evening – David gave 110% to Pulp's Common People, while Nick had the whole audience swaying to Journey's Don't Stop Believing. Gordon made Kylie's Better The Devil You Know his own, backed up by a chorus of Lancashire pensioners in costumes of unspecified eastern European countries.
In the boring talking bit, Gordon got all shouty about tax credits, like a big angry bear. Dave promised to invest in our manufacturing sector, but stupidly forgot that it was his predecessor who threw it in the canal in the first place, d'oh.
It was manbags at dawn over immigration, a subject that had Gordon quantitatively easing some offshore wind into his trousers. He's not had a great week, poor chap.
The big themes
Money, tax, payslips, extra tax for being dead, dodgy bankers, Mothercare, tax, immigration, poor people, rich people getting even more rich, tax, national insurance, jobless youths, tax, homeless chartered accountants, hardworking families, tax, poverty. Never have I spent so much time longing for Big Band Week.
Performance of the night
Clegg's stunning duet with Cameron that culminated in a chorus of "Let's assume that every time you talk about our policy, you're wrong". Brought a tear to my eye.
What would Cheryl say?
Nick, you're cheeky and cute and I think the girls will really love you. You've been on such an amazing journey and I've loved seeing how far you've come.
Dave, it was another amazing performance, but also not as good as last week, when you were even more amazing.
Gordon, you definitely made it your own, and I know how amazingly hard you've worked this week.
I'd love to see you all win, because that would be amazing, except Number 10 probably isn't big enough, especially with Dave having a baby on the way and everything.
So who wins?
You decide. Lines open next Thursday at 7am. Don't call now – your vote won't be counted and you may still be charged.
