UNCHARACTERISTICALLY GRATEFUL FOR MUNDANE PRE-MATCH NICETIES
Considering how little of import or significance actually happens during pre-season friendlies contested in countries far, far away by Premier League clubs who’ll be moaning about how tired their players are feeling by December, the Fiver was uncharacteristically grateful for the mundane pre-match niceties that helped prompt so much outrage among various mouth-foamers before West Brom took on Charleston Battery from South Carolina in the US of A.
With the British national anthem being played before the game for reasons that remain unclear to the Fiver, new West Brom signing James McClean provoked all manner of poorly spelt hysteria in various corners of the internet and some corners of real life by quietly turning 90 degrees, so that he would not be facing the England flag hanging at one end of the ground when all present were exhorted to “save our Queen”.
Indeed, while the dirge rumbled to its conclusion and his team-mates gazed absent-mindedly in the direction of a flag while possibly wondering if Tony Pulis might let them out for a few cold ones later, on account of it being such a sweltering hot day on which to be playing football and all that, McClean further incensed folk with too much time on their hands by standing silently with his head bowed until the closing bars played out and what passed for the actual football got under way and his team won 2-1.
As minor acts of protest go, it was fairly low key and certainly not up there with dropping your trews and mooning the Cenotaph. As a Catholic reared in the Creggan area of Derry, scene of the Bloody Sunday massacre in 1972, McClean, his family and their neighbours have long had certain “issues” regarding that particularly sordid chapter of the British army’s history and – presumably by extension – the commander-in-chief of that army who is celebrated in the national anthem played before the Baggies’ match against Charleston Battery. And if after careful consideration of all the facts at his disposal, Mr McClean decided that, as an Irishman from Creggan, standing to face an English flag during the British anthem was not for him, then the Fiver reckons he had every right to shuffle a few degrees to his right and wait quietly until the tune was finished playing.
“I don’t need to say anything or will I either,” tweeted McClean upon becoming aware of the brouhaha that was unfolding, when assorted people on Twitter labelled him “scum”, “disgraceful” and “disgusting”. While making the rather childish and simplistic point that somebody who doesn’t like the British shouldn’t live or work in England. It’s a weird one, not least because there is very little evidence that McClean is a footballer who dislikes anyone but just has some strongly held beliefs for which he is quietly determined to stand up for.
Well documented among these is his refusal to wear a poppy, despite hundreds of thousands of soldiers dying in the fight against fascism so that future generations would have the right to flame and insult footballers for choosing not to take to the field with a flower embroidered in their shirt. McClean has eloquently explained his reasons for not wearing a poppy before and will no doubt have to do so again later this year as assorted eejits engage in odious attempts to impose their political views on a bloke who merely chooses not to forget or ignore an atrocity perpetrated in his home town not too long ago.
Whatever happens, it’ll be grist to the comedy mill of a funny teatime email that likes nothing better than wringing gigglesome gold out of the ripe-for-yuks topics of colonialism, Irish nationalism, the futility of war and the self-righteousness of all those people out there who are just desperate to be offended. By anything.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I just called my late mother and she said don’t worry, it’s lack of education” – Sepp Blatter looked for help from beyond the grave after being showered in fake money.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
“Everyone thought I threw a sicknote in. I was in training on the Tuesday – in the changing room my stomach started hurting. I still went out and trained, though. That day I went home, and I told the doc I was ill. My stomach was rumbling and I had diarrhoea. The doctor just said to me you can’t be around the other players. For the next 48 hours, I stayed at home. That’s what the club doctor told me to do. When that 48 hours was done I came back to training as normal” – Raheem Sterling gives far too much information when explaining his absence from training at Liverpool.
FIVER LETTERS
“Back in March there was a brief flurry of readers’ letters regarding footballers’ names in rap lyrics. I was moved to write at the time, but clearly found something better to do. Anyway, now your inbox is so bare you’re actually printing spam again, I thought what better time to make a punt for a prizeless letter o’the day. I could even tie this in with a Mundane Encounter With A Famous Person (remember the ‘success’ of that little section? You could do worse than resurrect that in such barren times for the letters page). Watford-based MC Dubbledge (who I briefly worked with in a well-known fashion retailer’s London office when I was at the zenith of my office temp career in ‘06 - top bloke), on Da Work Out from his excellent 2007 album The Richest Man In Babylon (UK Hip Hop fans – it still sounds dope), raps thusly: “That girl check my Luis Figo / My Ronaldinho / I’m talking ball control”. Now those little euphemisms are out of the way, bringing us bang up to date with topical news I hear Manchester City have also been playing the hip hop card, getting on the blower to Villa Park and blaring out Method Man’s 1994 classic, “Release Yo’Delph”. Seems it was quite persuasive” – Lindsey Edwards (and no one else).
“Can we please stop “STOP FOOTBALL”? It’s really not funny... Even by the Fiver’s standards, blah blah, etc. and so on ...” – Iain Irvine (and no one else).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Lindsey Edwards.
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BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho wants a full refund on Juan Cuadrado, who looks set to leave after 14 appearances and no goals for Chelsea. Loïc Rémy will assume the mantle of chief bench warmer.
In other Chelsea news, Mourinho was convinced knee-knack’s Radamel Falcao has still got it by Plain John Terry and Gary Cahill. “I spoke with John and Cahill a lot about him and we think the bright movement is there,” he swooned.
Arturo Vidal just has to cough for the doctor and that dream move he has dreamed about since he began having dreams as a young dreamer will no longer be a dream but reality.
We’re stuck with Sepp till February, Fifa revealed on Monday while it looks like Michel Platini could soon be moving his books and the framed pictures of his holiday in Marbella with the lads into the office deep in the mountains.
Liverpool’s woes appear to be over in one fell double swoop from James Milner and Danny Ings.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It turns out people wanted to hear more of Dean Windass and Barry Glendenning chin wagging from some months ago. So, here it is in full.
STILL WANT MORE?
If you’ve spent the last few days scratching your head, trying to figure out what stresses Matteo Darmian, then Paolo Bandini’s blog has the answers you’ve been looking for.
Graham Parker and Graham Ruthven spend their weekends indoors avoiding the sun and ice-cream to learn five things from the MLS, so you don’t have to.
Is Edin Dzeko going to be togging out for Arsenal? Is Emmanuel Adebayor on his way to Aston Villa? Today’s Rumour Mill takes a guess.
And get your hands on tickets for an extra special, season preview, live, on-stage edition of Football Weekly. AC Jimbo, Barry Glendenning, Rafa Honigstein, Paul MacInnes and Gregg Bakowski will be treading the boards in London on Thursday 6 August.
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