And so the reboot of the 1990s continues. Twin Peaks, Blind Date, now The Crystal Maze (Channel 4). Next thing you know, there’ll be a new Labour government, and a new dawn. Things can only get better ...
Anyway, Richard Ayoade is the new Richard O’Brien (and the new Edward Tudor-Pole, but no one remembers him). In spite of a purple suit and a gold hand on a stick (“follow the hand, follow the hand”), new Richard is less flamboyantly theatrical than old Richard, but still amusing and arch. “Wow, it’s like looking at Heat magazine,” he says of the five boiler-suited TV personalities lined up outside the Industrial zone. Yes, they’re celebs, collecting crystals and then – in the Crystal Dome – gold tokens, in aid of Stand Up for Cancer.
One of the five is Louie Spence, the choreographer and exhibitionist. “It’s almost as if he’s trying to get attention,” says Ayoade, as Spence whirls around the Aztec zone like a human fidget-spinner.
In Spence’s game, he’s on a raft and has to balance some scales in order to release the crystal. “Be mindful that you do need to flirt, petal,” shouts Geordie Shore’s Vicky Pattison through the window. That shouldn’t be a problem for him … oh float, not flirt. It’s a good seam of humour for Ayoade, that Pattison comes from Newcastle. “Is it subtitled?” he asks, of her fitness DVD.
Louie doesn’t float, or show any understanding of basic physics in balancing the scales, so he gets locked in. Should the others sacrifice a hard-won crystal to release him? Of course they shouldn’t; they do the right thing and abandon him. “A little part of me thinks we shouldn’t be without you, Louie … ” says team captain Alex Brooker. A very little part – not nearly big enough to release him.
Ha! I’m enjoying TCM 2.0. It retains the look, the feel and the spirit of the original, its shambolic sense of adventure and fantasy. And yet Ayoade brings a 21st-century wit that somehow manages to be dry and warm. Will it find a new audience of nerdy millennials? Perhaps not – they’re probably all watching eSports on YouTube. This is mainly one for nostalgic mid-lifers, but I think they will approve. Like putting on a remastered favourite early-90s album – Massive Attack’s Blue Lines perhaps – and loving it all over again. Restart the fans, please.
