One morning this week, in the seaside town of Ban Chang, Rayong, two major life events occurred simultaneously at the local temple school. One was raucous, the other full of trepidation.
The northern end of the temple was where one could find the raucous bit. That was an English camp of 200 students, aged 7 to 12 years, being run by your favourite columnist and his crack team. To describe it as a "major life event" is a little indulgent, but certainly the noise those 200 students made -- especially when your columnist was trying to speak -- would be life-changing for any nearby resident of a nervous, sensitive nature.
Meanwhile the southern end was home to a different event. And definitely a life-changer. Around the same amount of young men, aged in their early 20s, gathered for a different reason.
All around the country, men aged 21 to 27 had to front up to designated public places such as the temple in Ban Chang for the opportunity to shove their hand into a box and draw out a piece of paper. A red card meant they're drafted for two years. A black card meant they're free.
These young men turned up with grandparents, parents, siblings, friends, girlfriends and boyfriends. It was a process. Check names off a list. Take off shirts for some kind of physical which required touching toes and raising arms.
And then … the draw. Guys came out either grinning while pumping their fists in the air, or shoulders slumped and morose as they fell into the consoling arms of their loved ones.
That is the face of it. And now, dear reader, we must penetrate that surface and delve into its murky depths.
It is ironic that the military that came into power four years ago on a platform of eradicating graft and corruption, practises the very same graft and corruption in its selection process.
There are three popular and well-known ways to get out of military service.
The first is that boys in upper high school attend military school once a week, exempting them from the draw. That requires forward planning and enthusiasm, two things that don't sit anywhere near the top of the list of characteristics found in young Thai men.
The second is to change your sex. Any young man with female breasts is immediately ineligible for the draw. At Ban Chang this week, there were two such examples. One looked like she'd just stepped off the bus from nearby Pattaya. The second was a large fellow in a white top and dark dress.
I made a facetious comment to my personal assistant that it looked like he put on the garb just this morning to dodge the draft. Apparently that, too, is a method but these young transgenders must return the following year to prove they still have their breasts. I'm not making this up.
And the third way? Let me introduce you to Tee.
Tee is my former staffer who came to visit me out of the blue, explaining how he "missed me" and "couldn't stop thinking about the happy memories of working here" and "how I wish I was still a member of your team". Oh, and I nearly forgot: "Can I borrow 20,000 baht?"
It is testament to Tee's tenacity that he was able to disappear without a trace for three years, then in the two minutes since he re-entered my office I was in danger of dropping 20 grand.
"I must register for the draft," he said. "In two weeks I have to front up to the military recruiting officer. If I can get 30,000 baht to the recruiting officer I am assured of a black card. Half for the doctors, and half for the officer in charge of the draw. My family has scraped together 10,000 baht but we are still short."
It turned out that in Tee's year, the army required 99,373 recruits from a total of 344,254 young men. Tee had a one in three chance of drawing a red lot. If I were Tee, I'd have saved myself the 30,000 baht and take my chances, but Tee was having none of that.
He got his 30,000 baht and handed it to his uncle in the military, who then passed it onto the local recruiting officer, who then tutored him the night before on how to draw a black lot.
The process was quite ingenious.
The red lots were made of cardboard. The black lots were made of thinner paper. The officer taught Tee how to close his eyes and differentiate between the two by rubbing them with their fingers.
The black and red lots were rolled up and inserted into drinking straws. It took Tee 15 seconds to feel the one single lighter straw, and when he pulled out his hand -- it was black.
Yes, it is corrupt, but it is a system that performs a function. It saves young men from having to serve their country. As long as you don't talk about it in public.
In 2011 Chalermsak Kaewsukthae, a 21-year-old from Chom Bung, fronted up to the draft office and drew out a black card. Then he committed a sin consider far worse that paying bribe money; he blabbed about it.
On his Facebook page he updated his status and mentioned he'd paid 30,000 baht to ensure a black card. All hell broke loose, because Chalermsak wasn't some grunt from the sticks. He was famous; a star player for the Thai Olympic football team.
The news of the bribe hit the media and Chalermsak arranged a press conference quicker than he could have said "attitude adjustment". The press conference was held at army headquarters with military bigwigs conspicuous by their absence, though no doubt they were in the next room with their ears pressed against the wall.
It was all a joke, Chalermsak said nervously, adding with an enforced natural tone that of course he didn't pay a bribe and we all know nobody pays bribes and hey it was just a joke and I didn't mean to offend the military because they're the best and if we didn't have the military to defend us we'd all be up the –
Calm down, Chalermsak. You're okay. Next time, just use your common sense … and you might like to take extra protective precautions in your next match against the Royal Thai Army team.
As I stood watching the process last week, I wondered how many of those young guys were down a couple of grand. I felt sorry for the poorest of the poor, who hadn't gone to military school, changed their sex nor had the resources to pay off the military. As has been the case throughout history, they will be the ones ending up on the front line.
I haven't seen Tee since he dodged the draft but he did pay off his debt. Interestingly Tee's brother, the following year, didn't have the money to pay off the soldiers and ended up with a red card.
His brother did his two-year compulsory service though I don't think we can quite call it "serving his country".
Shortly after being drafted, he was selected by a commissioned officer to be his "driver". He also had to do his laundry, mow the grass and go to the market every morning to help the commissioned officer's wife sell pork.
After four months he was allowed to resume his normal life. He could go home. It was a trade-off. Tee's brother got his freedom back, and that officer kept Tee's military salary for himself for the remaining year and a half.
If I were Tee, I'd be demanding my money back.
