The Champions League final

"The terrifying authoritarian predicts a red revolution [wait for it ...] and Stalin agrees!" It's all in the timing, Adrian Colvin Photograph: /x

A misty-eyed Andrew Ferguson recalls the last time an American took on a Russian Photograph: /x

"Wayne Rooney overreacts when he hears United will be getting a visit from the Kremlin," cackles Cameron Black Photograph: /x

"Comrade Ferguson, hero of the home counties middle classes, defies the capitalist ringmaster Roman Abramovich and his puppet Avram Grant," trumpets Clem Halpin Photograph: /x

John Barry reckons the Premier League's best tumblers will feel at home in Moscow Photograph: /x

John O'Reilly sidles up to our sponsors and whispers sweet nothings in their metaphorical ear Photograph: /x

"Jose was disappointed with the effectiveness of his Avram Grant voodoo doll," giggles Ian Davies Photograph: /x

If it's medium-to-poor puns you're after, Simon Coker is your man Photograph: /x

"Sorry about the elephant..." mumbles Adrian Moore. If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it, Adrian Photograph: /x

Sue O'Reilly reckons the arrival of 100,000 boozed up Englishman will encourage Muscovites to spend an evening in Photograph: /x

"Apparently the seating had been allocated by a mysterious Russian billionaire," chuckles Tom Leonard, mainly to himself Photograph: /x