Don't fancy yours much: Pete Burns (right) and his partner Michael Simpson. Photograph: Ian West/PA
Reality TV often finds me stuck somewhere between revulsion and fascination and here I am again after hearing the news that soccer hardman Neil 'Razor' Ruddock and toxic fairy-tale monster Pete Burns have exchanged partners for the new Celebrity Wife Swap. Sparks apparently flew as Burns and Ruddock clashed with Razor summing up Burns with uncommon insight: "He's a geezer too - but the difference is he wears thongs and dresses like a bird." Remarkable. The story has got me thinking and I'd like to propose five fantasy Celebrity Wife Swaps that the show's producers should investigate as urgently as if their very lives depended on it.
1. Kemal and Kinga swap with Lee Chapman and Leslie Ash
Big Brother no-hopers Kemal and Kinga battle press cynicism over the legitimacy of their relationship and Lee and Leslie endure terrible problems convincing the press that her taking out a restraining order on him in 1997 was no kind of indication that he was a bad 'un. Kinga and Lee can comfort each other over tabloid insinuations and Kemal and Leslie can discuss how best to pull off that signature sarong and headscarf combo.
2. Pearl Lowe and Danny Goffey swap with Neil and Christine Hamilton
The elfin dress designer and simian Supergrass drummer are known to take a literal interpretation of wife-swapping. Let's see exactly how far they are willing to take that commitment to celebrity swinging by introducing them to the Hamiltons. Not quite Jude and Sadie but it's the taking part that counts, right guys?
3. Harry Kewell and Sheree Murphy swap with Jamie Redknapp and Louise Redknapp.
The Lidl Posh and Becks face-off against the BhS Posh and Becks. While potentially an unwatchable smug-off between two of the classier WAGs, the scope for further revelations about her stretch marks and Harry Kewell's peachy bum makes this an opportunity too good to miss.
4. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward swap with Russell Brand and TBA
If Brand can be dragged from the womanising circuit for long enough, the 49-year marriage of Newman and Woodward seems a perfect grounding for Woodward to give Russell some advice on relationship longevity for the young lady he is courting this week. What the chances of anybody alive leaving their wife with Russell Brand are is another matter.
5. Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil swap with Katie Price and Peter Andre
Katie and Amy have much in common. Both have enjoyed chart success, both have a history of being photographed falling-out of trendy nightspots in disarray and both have adoring but bemused husbands. It might be Insania, but I think this crew will all get along really well (well, once Amy's recovered). I see Amy and Andre discussing the finer points of songwriting and Blake writing a list of chores while Katie reveals spectacularly inappropriate details of his personal grooming. Hey look! Dwight Yorke's popped round to play with Harvey. My God, this is good telly.
So what other celebs can we get swapping? Inappropriate and sadistic couplings preferred, please.
