It could have only ended this way. Traitor Alan Carr, a very obvious Traitor, who on multiple occasions almost admitted to the others he was a Traitor, is blubbing in a white suit with gold sequins. He has won the first-ever series of Celebrity Traitors, an exercise in celebrities and TV intellectuals showing that money, books and jobs in the media (!) do not make an intuitive or remotely switched-on being. The remaining two Faithful in that deciding round of banishing – David Olusoga and Nick Mohammed – are coo-cooing at Carr to calm him, soundtracked by the heartbreaking tones of Ludovico Einaudi. Just moments ago, they voted out the most obvious Faithful in the game, Joe Marler. It’s a ridiculous scene to end a ridiculous series full of hopeless people – and we have loved every minute of it.
Our not-so-cunning finalists were the Traitors, Cat Burns and Carr and the Faithfuls, Marler, Olusoga and Mohammed. To catch up on all the previous eight episodes, all you need to know is that the Faithful have been abysmal at their one job, mindbogglingly out of touch with their surroundings and the subtle workings of other people. “I made some friends in here; I’m starting to feel quite sad murdering them,” says Burns in the opening interviews of this finale, and it’s possibly true. She has, after all, been on a killing spree. The only Traitor to not make it to the finale is Jonathan Ross, who had to get voted out a couple of episodes ago because, despite being a great liar, he emanates pure evil.
The final challenge is perfectly fine; they’re all shoved on a fancy steam train to solve puzzles before the train goes boom. “There was me thinking it was going to be like the Orient Express, but it’s more like Speed,” says Carr in the talking head interview. Beyond Marler shouting at Carr (“We haven’t got time for your bum bag!”) and some hysterical orchestral music, the jeopardy wanes a little here. It’s to be expected, considering they aren’t dodging death to pay off their monstrous debts: they’re finding clues so they can be the person who gets to give money to charity.
The fact that these people are dripping with, if not money, then at least cultural capital, completely muddies the organising principle of the civilian series, which is a highly instinctual, bombastically emotive game to win a f***load of cash. This could have been mitigated against. Why didn’t this celebrity version start with them having the full £100,000 in the bank, with it dwindling for every lost challenge, for example? Then we could have watched them really fighting to win, lest they be ripped apart online for not caring enough about Age UK.
In a way though, hasn’t it been fun for true Traitors heads to see the parlour game at a different slant, played by people either inherently disconnected from reality or funnier than the average person (my oncoming autumnal SAD has been reversed thanks to Carr’s constant quips, like the time he told Tom Daley that he can’t just call someone a Traitor because they’re smarter than him)? Hasn’t it been curious to see contestants unable to hide behind fake personas or less suspicious jobs, as is typical in the regular series?
Back at the last roundtable, Marler decides to trick the Traitors by forming a fake alliance with them, which delights the Traitors, who think they’ve played him. Zero surprise that Olusoga – who is a TV historian and author of the types of dense books acquired by Mark from Peep Show – embarks on another of his torturous speeches, this time suspecting Faithful Marler. After Marler backstabs the Traitors, he provides the final vote out for Burns. At this point, Carr is the only Traitor left standing.
Sadly for Marler, he doesn’t make it through the final banishing round with Carr, Olusoga and Mohammed. That’s right – the obvious Faithful is out because he did a slick bit of gameplay at the roundtable and ensured that a Traitor was voted out. In the next round, Olusoga and Mohammed, a grave alliance formed in mutual ignorance, proceed to grin and agree that both they and Carr must all be faithful! So Carr wins and they lose. And, frankly, good.
There is absolutely no way of exonerating the foolishness of the Faithful in this first stab at Celebrity Traitors. Sure they had the “big dog” theory, which argued that either Ross or Stephen Fry had to be a Traitor (arguably the two most forceful characters on the show, as the Elder Statesmen), but one of the more modest stars could have made an opening speech at an early roundtable and said, “Alright, look: the Traitors team are obviously going to include at least two of the most famous people here. Alan and Jonathan, you’re up.”
But really, it’s been a success: I only love The Traitors franchise more. Just nine episodes of joy and frustration have revealed a lot about these relatable slebby stars. We thought we knew them so well, and it turned out... we didn’t. Maybe normies do just play it harder and faster. Maybe they’re smarter. Thank god it’s not long until a new bunch of them come and grab the baton. As winner Carr signs off, cackling into the night as fireworks explode: “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”
