Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? After ending last episode with a banishment draw, we start on the verge of watching Traitors history being made. How exciting! And what does such a momentous occasion look like?
Well, it involves Claudia bringing out two big wooden boxes grandly titled “the chests of chance.” The aim of the game, we’re told, is that one chest contains a Shield and one doesn’t; the person who randomly selects the Shield is saved.
It’s less exciting than a duel to the death, but hey, it does the job. “I’m having a wonderful time,” David Olusoga tells the camera before opening his box. Is he really? The atmosphere inside the castle looks about as thick as curdled milk.
Although maybe he knows something we don’t. David gets the Shield; Mark Bonnar is banished. Of course, then he reveals he’s a Faithful.
The group’s miserable expressions speak for themselves; poor David looks like he’s escaped the frying pan just to walk into the fire. After all, just because he’s escaped banishment doesn’t mean the group think he’s innocent.
“Do you think we’re still as bad as we ever were?” Celia Imrie asks David at one point during the post roundtable debrief. Yes, he says; well he would, wouldn’t he. At the same time, Joe Marler is banging on about Jonathan Ross again; you kind of wish people would start listening to the man.
First thing’s first, though. The Traitors must strike again, and top of their kill list is Stephen Fry. “Shall we just get on with it and kill him?” Alan quips. “It would blow their minds.”
Seeing these three discussing the possibility of doing away with a knight of the realm is rather surreal. But when breakfast comes around the next day, it’s poor old Joe Wilkinson who gets the chop instead. A savvy move, to be honest – the man was perceptive.
“Aren’t you having a brilliant game?” Claudia tells the Traitors in the dining room. “Congratulations.” She’s met with an array of gloomy faces.
Deprived of a much-needed win, the contestants spent the rest of the episode working themselves up into a paranoid frenzy. During one five-minute segment, we learn that Lucy Beaumont suspects Stephen Fry, Celia Imrie is starting to wonder about Alan Carr, and Nick Mohammed has an eye on Cat Burns and Lucy Beaumont.
Phew. And as if all the suspicion wasn’t enough, the contestants then have to split into two teams and do a challenge where they answer questions like ‘Who do the Traitors think is the weakest?’ and ‘Who is the most two-faced?’
Talk about pot-stirring. Fortunately, Celia Imrie is more than willing to admit to the latter. “I say people are nice and I don’t necessarily believe it,” she adds cheerily. Do they give Olivier Awards for reality TV? They should, and she should get one.
She’s a team player; unlike Joe and Nick, who end up sabotaging the game to give the group they think is the most full of Faithfuls immunity from being murdered. Unfortunately for them, that group also contains Cat Burns and Alan Carr. Oops. When Nick guiltily confesses to this act of skulduggery at the roundtable, he understandably draws gasps and a fair amount of ire.
Even after all that, the Faithfuls can’t get the banishment right. At the final roundtable, it’s poor old Stephen Fry who gets the boot. How the hell has Jonathan Ross managed to slither out of the firing line yet again? Surely he’ll finally get his comeuppance next week. Until then, the Traitors’ winning streak continues...
The Celebrity Traitors is streaming now on BBC One and iPlayer
