"I tailed the broad to the wrong side of the tracks. She looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a piece of angel food. Oh, she was two-timing the headmaster alright....."
The revelation that a private detective has been hired by the head of an oversubscribed Church of England school to check out parents using false addresses to get their children a place is a sign of the times.
Somehow in Harpenden, Herts, one expects Miss Marple rather than Philip Marlowe, but never underestimate the ruthlessness of parents in pursuit of good GCSE results and at St George's 95% of pupils get five good grades and there are three or four applications for each place.
The experience of Norman Hoare, the school's head, bears out the poll for Teachers TV that found nearly half of parents would consider giving a false address inside a secondary school catchment area or pretend of be religious.
What are the dodges?
1) The rented flat. A small property close to the school rented for a few months will produce the utility bills you need to present as proof to the school.
Looks bad if you deliver the little angel in a massive 4x4 every day, but by then it's difficult to prise him or her out of the classroom. (But not impossible - last year the High Court ruled a 12-year old should lose his place at a St Albans school because parents failed to provide proof of a permanent address.)
2) The granny (or other suitable relation). If the name is the same, so much the better. How long will it be before we hear that canny old folk are supplementing their pensions by renting their addresses to desperate parents?
3) Finding God. Both Catholic and Anglican parishes that contain popular faith schools experience sudden increases in attendance by parents of school age children. But then parenthood does make one reassess the fundamentals of life and eternity.
Muslim schools haven't yet made their reputations but expect to see pushy middle class mums struggling with veils and odd-looking beards in the office.
Any more?
