Name: The Cam-Cam
Age: Brand new.
Appearance: On-brand.
Just tell me there hasn’t been webcam footage released of the Camerons doing something sexual or otherwise unsavoury? No. Well, not quite.
Oh God, what? The Sun newspaper trailed the PM for a day and has released an 11-minute video of the results, including a minute of him wearing a camera himself for a PM’s-eye view of walking into 10 Downing Street.
I knew he wasn’t the hardest-working PM in history, but 11 minutes seems pretty sparse, even for him. No, it’s been edited.
Oh, I see. So, what does he do? What do we learn? What blinding insights are vouchsafed to us via the Sun’s cam? He can make sardines-in-tomato-sauce with mayonnaise and lemon on toast. And eat it while talking to the director.
That would be more troubling if Cameron didn’t already always sound like he’s got a fat mouthful of something juicy and disgusting when he talks. Like a man constantly munching on a privilege-steak tartare, you mean? I agree.
What’s his kitchen like? This seems to be the issue on which the political fate of the nation turns. The Downing Street one is a lot smaller than the one at the family home, obviously.
Almost a functional kitchenette, one might say? Yes, although rather better appointed than the Milibands’ and full of the kind of stainless-steel fittings and accoutrements you’d choose if you knew you were never going be the one that cleaned it.
I hear you. What else? An alcove with artfully arranged condiments, enough wine bottles in the fridge to suggest bonhomie without dipsomania, and a breakfast table and chairs that could have come from Ikea but didn’t. That’s where he does his morning prep before the family come down for brekkie.
And the day’s ministerial duties? Yes, he definitely does some of those. We see him sitting next to William Hague. Telling Gove off for being late to a meeting. Going to visit the Queen. Putting headphones on to talk on regional TV programmes.
Arduous. Will he have won hearts and minds, then, with this? Hard to say. Turned stomachs? Almost certainly.
Do say: “Cam-Cam, well done-done!”
Don’t say: “The Cam-Cam – an undignified, capering dance done to please or engage an angry or disaffected proletariat in the run-up to a general election.”
