Those who derived a measure of schadenfreude from Collingwood’s bumpy transition between the coaching reigns of Mick Malthouse and Nathan Buckley might also have appreciated the recent appearances on the Ten network’s I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here (Sun-Thurs, 7:30pm) of Pies premiership star Dane Swan. If not, we’ve been watching it so you don’t have to.
Free of the draconian strictures of professional sport, last week the former midfield ace sat blind-folded with two alligators snapping at his heels. The metaphorical properties of Swan’s time in the jungle have dwindled since, but last week we were genuinely absorbed by his role of go-between as radio shock jock Steve Price and the prone, slightly incomprehensible American actor Tom Arnold debated the topic of same sex marriage. There is a sentence you didn’t expect to read in 2017.
“Who would not vote for gay marriage?” asked an exasperated Swan, somehow not knocked off his stride by Price’s concerted effort to loosen the belt on his trousers at the precise moment the serious debate kicked off. “I couldn’t give a hoot. It’s their lives, not anyone else’s business. It’s ridiculous in this day and age that two people can’t get married to each other.”
Swan spent so long bringing Australian rules football into disrepute that it’s hard not to find this unfolding scenario somewhat miraculous; somehow Ten have actually brought the footy hellraiser into repute. How the rest of us are meant to cope with the loss of one of life’s iron-clad certainties is anyone’s guess, but you suppose it’ll involve dung beetles or rhinoceros faeces. It always does on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
With no bare skin left for tattoos, nor a football to kick about, Swan’s first foray into reality TV has mostly left him to sit and think – possibly not his natural habitat – and we’ve been impressed by the results. Perhaps the key to his newfound appeal, as opposed to the football panel shows in which his sarcastic shtick came across a bit charmless, is relative; he’s literally sitting in a pile of dirt with a bunch of z-list celebrities who are just far more desperate and deranged than the millionaire footballer.
Thankfully, Tom Arnold and his ever-twitching mug were the first of the bunch voted off. That’ll happen when you hate even more stuff than Steve Price does. Elsewhere, and as ever with this show, the definition of celebrity has been given a far greater stretch than either of Swan’s hamstrings at any point of his former career.
The Brownlow medallist is the current favourite to win – as per the success of sporting entrants Brendan Fevola and Freddie Flintoff in previous years. Next best bets: one-time Water Rats actor Jay Laga’aia and former I’m-not-quite-sure-what Kris Smith. If you have the faintest idea who Smith is, even greater shame on you than me.
One thing we hope is that I’m a Celebrity keeps providing some of the better sports-related headlines of the year. Our favourite so far: “Dane Swan unsurprisingly is not well versed on alt-right politics”, as told by the Daily Mail. Perhaps he was worried it was a reference to some new and incomprehensible zone defence system.
The poor bloke couldn’t have looked more baffled as third man up in a contest between Price and Tziporah Malkah (formerly known as Kate Fisher). “I was sittin’ on the edge of that log like Steve the Stooge,” Swan later explained. “I had no idea what they were talking about.”
But ignorance can be bliss. Malkah’s appraisal of the far-right political movement: “They say things that everybody else is thinking. Like Pauline Hanson in a way.” So you’ll see what I’m getting at when I tell you, honest-to-god, Swan is the most likeable person on screen at all times. They said 2016 couldn’t be topped as a year of sporting miracles. We’re no longer so sure.
Sticking with, err, footy, tonight on Fox Footy (7:30pm), the AFL pre-season treadmill fires into action as Swan’s former Collingwood team-mates take on Essendon in the opening encounter of the AFL pre-season.
Renamed the JLT community series this year, it’s likely to answer time-old debates like: “What is Scott Pendlebury doing with his hair this year?” and “Who is this new rookie lister on whom I will project all the frustrations of my life?” It’s a bit of a step down from Lady Gaga jumping off a stadium roof to Colin Garland taking the kick-outs on Casey Fields, but we’ll be watching regardless.
Meanwhile, the A-League season is hurtling towards a rather one-sided finish. Last week Sydney FC sprinted away with a 3-0 win over Wellington to stretch their undefeated run to 19 games and this Saturday, in their Sydney derby against the Wanderers at ANZ Stadium (Fox Sports, 7:50pm), the Sky Blues’ task is unlikely to be much more onerous, with only two points separating their opponents from ninth-placed Central Coast Mariners.
One thing we’re not dead keen on is this idea of calling Graham Arnold’s side “The Invincibles”, a moniker synonymous in Australia with Don Bradman’s 1948 Ashes winners. Unless one of Arnold’s men reveals himself an exponent of deck quoits to rival Loxton, Hassett or Lindwall, we think they can get their own label. Australian football has created a sub-committee for everything else, so there may as well be one for nicknames.
Rounding out the major sporting action on both Friday and Sunday, Australia’s cricketers play the first two of their three T20Is against Sri Lanka (Nine, 7:30pm), a slightly awkward scenario given the country is also about to undertake a Test tour of India. Overlapping commitments call for makeshift line-ups. Unlike I’m a Celebrity, the misfortune here is when you’re voted in.
