THE COST OF RICO
Imagine if Wayne Coyne had been kept in a small cage for over 20 years and force-fed industrial quantities of corn in order to produce a rich, creamy, delicious, indie-tinged pâté. Well, there’s Chuck Blazer for you! And like the Flaming Lips frontman, the Concacaf and Fifa bigwig Blazer is good at singing. Specifically in his case like a canary, in front of the judge.
Blazer’s confessed, in some US court or other, to accepting all manner of coin for influencing the selection of various World Cups and Gold Cups. His rap sheet is quite frightening, if you look at some of the language in the transcript of his testimony to the Feds. Bribery. Kickbacks. Conspiracy. Laundering. Evasion. Violation. Gulp! And it would seem Fifa has, thanks in part to Blazer’s actions, been identified by the FBI as a Rico enterprise. Rico being – as the beak explained to the fully disclosing, fully upholstered and fully jiggered Blazer – a Racketeering Influenced Corrupt Organisation. “Don’t overreact to this,” smiled the judge, as he unpacked the acronym. Er, if you say so, though how did things pan out for Al Capone again?
Blazer’s crimes, if all the statutory maximum penalties are piled on top of each other, could see him thrown in the jug for 100 years, until he’s 168 years old. He could also find himself $2,137,875.74 lighter of pocket as a result of all the fines coming his way. And not only that, he’ll have to cough for a “special assessment” of $100 imposed by the court for each of the 10 counts he’s being charged with. Though that last bit sounds not dissimilar to one of those deliberately vague processing-fee scams beloved by ticket agencies, credit-card companies, and the like. Come on, US court of law! Play fair! Two wrongs don’t make a right.
One man in no mood to offer up a Blazeresque mea culpa is Jack Warner, also of Concacaf and Fifa. Always ready with a laugh and a smile, the genial Warner stumped up some of his own money, or at least some of the money that’s in his wallet, to buy airtime on several Trinidadian television channels on Wednesday night. The resulting light-entertainment spectacular, The Gloves Are Off, consisted of Warner high-kicking his way down a staircase to the tune of Hey Big Spen … hold on, no. It consisted of a fuming Warner, wedged uncomfortably into an expensive armchair, delivering a rambling eight-minute monologue during which he promised an “avalanche” of evidence relating to “certain transactions at Fifa”. Exact details weren’t forthcoming, but presumably will be broadcast at a later date, once Warner’s found some more cash down the back of the sofa, in the hotly anticipated sequel Did You Spill My Pint?
And yet if you thought Blazer or Warner would be the biggest star of the circus today, you’d have another think coming. For the UK culture secretary John Whittingdale announced England’s brazen intention to pitch for the 2022 World Cup should Qatar get bumped. It’s almost as though the sport is fated to be forever run by opportunistic chancers more interested in money and political expediency than the overall health of the world game. And there we all were celebrating Sepp Blatter’s downfall.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
27 May: “At certain moments in your life, you have to make a decision and I am almost 68 now. A number of clubs contacted me but the decision was always Sunderland or nobody. Sunderland has been one of the highlights of my career” – a tearful D1ck Advocaat says it’s time to tend to the tulips.
4 June: “After a lot of discussions with Ellis [Short] and Lee [Congerton], they convinced me that I am the right man for the club” – that smoke drifting up from the A1(M) is Advocaat performing the mother of all U-turns and heading back to sign on for more mone … sorry, managerial fun and games next season.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It was Football Weekly Live in Manchester on Wednesday and we’ve got a short excerpt with AC Jimbo, Barry Glendenning, Iain Macintosh and James Horncastle.
FIVER LETTERS
“When Chuck Norris blows a whistle … Fifa collapses on the other side of the world” – Karl Mullen.
“I think it’s unlikely that Swampy the eco protestor is a potential successor to Sepp Blatter (yesterday’s Fiver). The last I heard was that he is suffering from heart problems – doctors offered him a bypass but he refused on principle” – Phil Wood.
“Given the number of snipped letters in recent days, will The Fiver eventually divulge their content or must we ask Wikileaks to investigate?” – JJ Zucal.
“It seems you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Swansea midfielder Leon Britton is honourable, driven and honest enough to not want to sit on his tail getting a fat cheque and gets crucified instead for ‘complaining’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). I for one salute Leon’s honesty and integrity, which has been in short supply in the Premier League era” – David Dein (no, not that one).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Karl Mullen.
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BITS AND BOBS
James Milner’s parody Twitter account will have some new material to get its teeth into after the real James Milner agreed to squeeze into the $tevie Mbe-shaped hole in Liverpool’s midfield.
Meanwhile, Reds defender Martin Skrtel has reacted to the contract slapped down in front of him in much the same way as Raymond Blanc would if served bacon flavour Super Noodles. “Unacceptable,” he growled. “A contract like this is offered to players who are much older than me or to players who have had some health complications.”
Kerching! The Premier League is the world’s richest football league with record income of £3.26bn, a billion quid more than the second-placed Bundesliga.
Would-be Peter Odemwingies have been denied a chance to sneak off under the cover of darkness to loiter in another club’s car park until a sympathetic chairman decides to bring them in at 10.59pm on transfer deadline day after the Premier League decided to slam the window shut at 6pm. Poor the Jim White.
Jan Vertonghen has begged Spurs not to let the man who generally rescues the situation after one of his defensive blunders to leave. “You have to keep your best players and Hugo Lloris is one of them,” he sobbed, before spilling some milk on the floor, slipping on it and landing on his tail.
Don Fabio has denied claims by the recently sacked president of the Russian Football Union that he has a secret “second contract” with a shadowy group of individuals or companies and plans to sue Nikolai Tolstykh.
Leicester have signed Austria defender Christian Fuchs. Arf. Because Fuchs means fox in German. What did you thi … ah. “I’m happy that this dream has come true,” he yodelled.
Serie A’s lone horse Juventus have shelled out €32m to buy Palermo forward Paulo Dybala.
And controversy’s Sinisa Mihajlovic is set to be the new Milan manager just as soon as Filippo Inzaghi has been organised a cab via up-and-coming taxi app Do One.
STILL WANT MORE?
By taking Barça to the verge of a treble, Luis Enrique has made his critics look like right numpties, writes Sid Lowe.
Speaking of numpties, there have been more than 100 racist incidents in Russian football in the past two seasons. Alec Luhn has the backstory to that depressing stat.
The women’s game has grown impressively since the unofficial Coppa del Mondo in Italy 1970, but there is still much do to as Canada prepares to host the 2015 World Cup, reports Anna Kessel.
A brooding José Mourinho as Bobby Robson’s translator and some jaw-dropping skills from a 15-year old female freestyler (that’s keepy-uppy expert, in old money) star in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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DON’T EVEN THINK OF RAINING THE TENNIS OFF IN PARIS TOMORROW. NOT AFTER THIS LAST WEEK
