THE WEIRD CUP
The Fiver knows all about the perils of technology. Take the time our Social Media Disgrace Twitter account was hacked and some ne’er-do-well posted a picture of the masculine phallus to our followers, both of whom haven’t spoken to us since. We knew then – and we certainly know after watching the Ethics World Cup – that the biggest problem with technology is humans.
The use of technology works in other sports, and may eventually do so in football, but in its current half-ar$ed form it is barely fit to be trialled in The Fiver’s monthly game of walking football, never mind the biggest tournament in the world. It’s the sporting equivalent of testing a bomb-disposal robot in the middle of a shopping mall, and the whole thing inevitably exploded into farce on Monday when Iran, Portugal, Morocco and Spain were all robbed at the same time! VAR was supposed to make things black and white. In fact it’s made them even greyer – a vivid grey, for sure, that deserves a fancy paint name, something like Whisper of Misadventure, but grey nonetheless. “It all got a little weird,” said Portugal coach Fernando Santos, and it’ll get a whole lot weirder as the games become more and more important. The knockout stages may become just that when a player chins a referee.
Portugal might not be in the knockout stages had He been sent off after a VAR review against Iran. “The reality is you stop the game for VAR and there is an elbow,” fumed Iran’s manager Carlos Queiroz. “An elbow is a red card in the rules. The rules don’t say if it is Messi or [Him]. Going back to the story about my daughter, I need to know if I am a grandfather or not. I don’t want to know if my daughter is ‘a little bit’ pregnant. The decisions must be clear for everybody, for the people. In my opinion, Mr Infantino and Fifa, VAR is not going well. That is the reality.”
Possibly the biggest problem with VAR, apart from all of it, is the random nature of what is and isn’t sent to the on-field referee for review. Some increasingly desperate VAR advocates have suggested this is OK because it livens things up. Maybe we should adopt a similar judicial lottery in everyday life. Sure, you might get a 10-year stretch for telling the self-checkout you bought a carrot rather than an avocado, or merely a quiet warning for murder, but it would sure liven things up.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
4 August 2016: “A world where people R 2 scared 2 have an opinion 4 fear of their safety. I will continue to give mine. Don’t care what U think. DEAL WITH IT!” – former player and current media pundit Jason Cundy pins this tweet.
25 June 2018: “I regret the comments and also the hurt and anger they caused. I realise there is absolutely no place for these demeaning attitudes towards female commentators and I’m truly sorry” – Cundy issues an apology for airing his opinion on ITV breakfast disgrace Good Morning Britain that female football commentators are too “high-pitched”.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires bringing the brilliance.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVEЯ LETTERS
“You’re crediting Big Sam for England’s upturn in fortune (yesterday’s FiveЯ) but surely it’s down to the Checkatrade Trophy?” – Nigel Stubbs.
“If this truly is a football team from ‘New England’ (yesterday’s FiveЯ), shouldn’t management be spying on the team sheets of others, and not leaking their own?” – Brett Smith.
“While I loved the wonderful Football Atlas illustrations (yesterday’s Still Want More?), I felt it was rather unfair on poor Scotland. So I got the crayons out to redress the balance” – Tony Crawford.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day and, with it, a copy of World Cup Nuggets by Richard Foster is … Nigel Stubbs.
BITS AND BOBS
Saudi Arabia are in a bullish mood after they signed off with a 2-1 win over Egypt. “They will be able to tell their children, grandchildren: ‘I scored during a World Cup’,” cheered coach Juan Antonio Pizzi.
Argentina’s Jorge Sampaoli has come out fighting following talk of a squad revolt before their crucial game with Nigeria. “I cannot clarify things that did not exist,” he tooted. “They make you feel like a criminal because you lost a game.”
Gareth Southgate faces a Harry Kane-shaped dilemma as he decides whether to go without the Golden Boot-chasing striker against Belgium. “He knows the team is the most important thing and we have to make decisions that are right for the team,” soothed Southgate.
Bobby M isn’t that fussed and will make up to 10 changes in his Belgian side.
Morocco’s Aziz Bouhaddouz is still seething at that VAR business in the 2-2 draw with Spain and going out without a win. “We’ve had no luck,” he parped. “We’ve played amazingly. Last week [He] had one chance and scored: that’s why we lost and the refereeing was $hit – sorry about my English.”
And non-World Cup dept: Danny Ings will do one from Liverpool in search of first-team football.
STILL WANT MORE?
This is a belting read: Jorge Valdano on Argentina.
“Our ratings will be abysmal” – the Icelandic TV presenter up against the national team.
Pop quiz, hotshot: what happened next at the World Cup?
Andrew Roth with Russian fans as they watched the 3-0 gubbing by Uruguay.
Memories of Romania 3-2 Argentina at USA! USA!! USA!!! 94.
Suzanne Wrack on Sheffield FC and women’s football restructuring.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
.png?w=600)
