LADS, IT’S JOSÉ
The Fiver was never entirely confident that the professional matrimony of José Mourinho and Daniel Levy would reach its silver jubilee. But we thought it would take more than a few months for things to turn so sour. José is already wearing his third-season coupon, the permanently affronted puss of a man waiting for a P45 so that he can go off and find his true calling within the nihilism community. Whether it’s in cup competitions or in the manager’s job itself, José doesn’t hang around long these days. The Special One is dead, long live the Do One.
Spurs’ 3-0 defeat to RB Leipzig in Big Cup came as no great surprise. Certainly not to José, who already knew that life is without objective meaning, purpose or intrinsic valu … sorry, who already knew that his knack-hit squad would struggle in Germany. “We have lots of problems and it’s really difficult,” he sobbed. “I was positive yesterday but that’s the way I have to be. The reality is a different thing. One team is much stronger. Of course it was difficult and Leipzig clearly deserve to get to the quarter-finals. There is no other world. Nor even this one. What, then, is there? The inner smile provoked in us by the patent nonexistence of both.”
Mourinho continued to passionately defend his team. Mainly by calling them cr@p, but it’s the thought that counts: “Every team in the world would struggle with five or six of their most important players missing. It’s as simple as that. All the players on the Leipzig bench would play at this moment in my team. Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
As a tea-time email that has never been successful in anything, ever, we’re not really able to understand Mourinho’s decline from charismatic winner to entitled failure. He is still the best manager in the world – but sadly it’s expectation management, rather than football, in which he excels these days. And after the game against Leipzig, he was quick to remind Spurs fans that they shouldn’t expect these soul-crushing 4-0 aggregate defeats to come round every year. “With the squad we have at the moment it is going to be very, very difficult [to reach next season’s Big Cup],” he parped. “Our problems are not going to disappear tomorrow. We will fight until the end. Virtue is under certain circumstances merely an honourable form of stupidity: who could be ill-disposed toward it on that account?”
Mourinho is still right about plenty, but he has cried wolf so often that nobody cares about that big furry thing chasing the sheep. It already feels like, at some stage next season, he will be back in the Sky studio with fellow optimists Graeme Souness and Roy Keane. For now, he has to struggle on in a world that just doesn’t understand. Spurs’ next game is at home to a resurgent Manchester United. He’s going to be in a belting mood if they lose that.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You have to look beyond the criticism. I own a football club myself and I think it’s important to give support to the manager. Stability is the key to success and I am lucky I have that from the people I work for. There is a real balance and acceptability that we have to improve but [the FA] know the journey we are going on” – Big Phil Neville tells his England paymasters why they should know Big Phil Neville is still the best person for the job.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest Football Weekly podcast is right here. Meanwhile, tickets are also on sale for the next live show in London.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: José Mourinho’s seamless absorption of Tottenham’s ‘To Dare is to Do’ motto into ‘my principles, my philosophy’ (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs). I think he left out the ‘One’ at the end of that initial maxim. Then perhaps Barcelona will get desperate enough for a quick-fix coach, and José can make them ‘Less than a Club’” – Justin Kavanagh.
“Have you noticed that Mourinho and Donald Trump never appear together, or at the same time? Could it be that they are actually the same person, simply with different hairdos, appearing in different places at different times? They certainly share some similar characteristics, and it’s hard to believe that there could actually be two separate people of this outrageous type” – Alfredo Hamill [funny you should mention that – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Justin Kavanagh.
NEWS … AND WELL, IT’S MAINLY JUST NEWS
Manchester City v Arsenal is not happening after it emerged that some Gunners players met Evangelos Marinakis, the Olympiakos and Nottingham Forest owner who admitted on Tuesday that coronavirus had “visited” him. Forest’s squad have all tested negative for the virus.
Wolves have condemned the decision not to postpone their Big Vase tie with Olympiakos, claiming the trip to Greece “poses unnecessary risks” to players and staff. Sevilla v Roma inevitably bit the dust when the Italian team’s flight did not receive clearance to land in Spain, while Inter v Getafe is also off.
In Germany, the first professional player to test positive for Covid-19 is Hannover’s Timo Hubers, who is now in quarantine. Meanwhile in France, the French League Cup final between Lyon and PSG has been postponed until authorities there get a firmer grip on the outbreak.
No further action will be taken against a man arrested in Yorkshire on suspicion of manslaughter in relation to the death of Emiliano Sala.
Joe Montemurro is set to miss a number of matches after Arsenal Women confirmed he has returned to Australia for “family reasons”.
Newcastle goalkeeper Martin Dubravka has been ruled out for the rest of the season with a nasty case of knee-knack.
And decision-making’s Danny Drinkwater has been sent home from Aston Villa training after getting fresh and funky in the physical style with teammate Jota.
STILL WANT MORE?
Monday Night Toilet Fights: sport in the age of coronavirus. By Marina Hyde.
Oh Spurs! Jonathan Liew on how Tottenham are waving goodbye not just to Big Cup, but a whole era too.
Atlético fans are looking forward to one last big noisy night at Anfield before their matches disappear behind closed doors, reports Sid Lowe.
What is the earliest in the season a team has won a league title? As ever, the Knowledge knows.
John Duerden on how coronavirus has stopped football in Asia, where many people are wondering what to do with themselves.
Mendes, Wilder and the SAS: how Lee Johnson has Bristol City on the rise. By Ben Fisher.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
