Even at 6am the presenters of the Capital FM Breakfast Show – Johnny Vaughan and stand-in partner/straight man Kat Shoob (crazy name, crazy gal) – are revoltingly perky. Shoob, it transpired had been up since 1am applying rouge to her cheeks; Vaughan, meanwhile, sounded as if he'd been mainlining Monster Energy Drink into his eyeballs since 3am.
"Grab somebody sex 'em tell 'em hey!" Vaughan sang as Pitbull's Give Me Everything faded out at 6.15am for the first of several plays during the show – Capital's top 40 playlist is such that songs are often repeated every 45 minutes. Great news if you're a fan of The Wanted. "That's what I do now, Kat. I grab somebody and tell them what sex they are. I did a whole litter of hamsters yesterday."
I am rarely awake at this hour but it would appear that there is a whole other world going on full of people who aren't just awake but are super-super-awake. It is sickening. Vaughan and Shoob – whose role is essentially to humour the Jason Statham-alike sat opposite her – weren't the only ones full of early morning zippitybloodydooda as they unveiled a series of excessively bubbly listeners to play along to their fun radio games.
Milly from Hammersmith called in to challenge Shoob to a "grunt off", both women trading tennis player-style squawks until one of them cavedin. It really shouldn't have been funny but it was. Who needs jokes when you can just grunt? Or maybe my brain was dying a little bit. There was certainly little news to stimulate it, although I did learn that Example had upset Alexandra Burke by suggesting that she was 41 and that 50 Cent is going to appear in an episode of EastEnders – news that broke in, erm, September 2010 but was revived here because Vaughan had done a mash-up of Fiddy singing In Da Club to a backing track of the EastEnders theme tune. Tomorrow he's promising Eminemadale.
Vaughan and usual co-host Lisa Snowdon are Capital's London breakfast show hosts. Around the country the various local Capital franchises have different presenters but share the same centrally controlled music – if you listen to their equivalents around the country, it would be good to hear how they match up.
Vaughan is the living personification of the cockney cheeky chappy, fond of peppering his act with rhyming slang and laddisms. I've only listened to him a few times but he's very fond of talking about his "drum" and boxing. He also enjoys shortening words – Dan isn't up next with the travel, he's up next with "the trav". What is the point of that? Mind you Dan did have some exciting news about "a swan on the road in Langley".
For all his self awareness though, Vaughan is quick and undeniably funny. He has a personality and dominant manner that demands you either give in and start liking him or switch off immediately. Four hours later I had been bludgeoned into submission and succumbed to his geezer skills. I hate myself.
