‘There is violence, arrogance, hatred of those who are different to you, a world run by money-lenders and warmongers, where one man grows fat, yet happily watches whilst another starves, where old men use the bodies of children to feed their desires …”
Tory Britain today? Could be – and, depending on how things go in May, perhaps the same drastic action will be called for. But we’re actually talking roughly 4,400 years ago: this is the world described by an angel to Noah, here in The Ark (BBC1). “And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually ...” That’s from Genesis, updated by Tony Jordan for extra relevance. I think we all know what Noah gotta do – build a big boat, outta gopher wood, 300 cubits long. Filled with family, animals, doves, every creeping thing. I’d have left some of the creepingest things behind, like the Tories.
That’s jumping the gun, though. Back to the beginning of the story. And it came to pass … that four strapping, young, near-naked lads are mucking about at a pool in a desert landscape – bombing, pushing each other in, ducking underwater. I see, a portent of what’s to come. Shem, Ham, Japheth and Kenan ... whoa. Who the hell is Kenan? Seems like Noah’s got himself a new son from somewhere, a previously undocumented love child perhaps? Is Kenan the same as Canaan, in which case shouldn’t he be Ham’s son, Noah’s grandson? Or Cainan, in which case, I reckon he’d be Noah’s great great great great grandfather? It doesn’t really matter, I suppose; Tony Jordan didn’t just rely on Genesis as his source material, and Noah’s not exclusive to the Bible.
Anyway, here, arriving at the pool, is the old man – very old man, though looking not bad at all for 600. Also looking very much like Frank Gallagher from Shameless because Noah is played by David Threlfall. Obviously that’s always an issue with actors, but more so here. Because, after 11 series, Threlfall became Frank. Also because he has a similar unkempt straggly appearance, and a similar Manc accent.Frank used to reference Genesis himself of course: “Nobody’s saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden …” Will Noah let out a rallying cry, to “Partyyyyy!”? No, because that wouldn’t fit with his righteousness – I’m afraid Frank and his extended family are the last people God would choose to save and start again – though Jordan has bestowed upon his hero a healthy libido. (Hence the extra offspring?)
They’re all Mancunians; the lads going mad for it at the pool (like a young Oasis at an actual oasis), Noah’s wife Emmie (Joanne Whalley). There’s a little bit of the north west into the ancient Middle East. Actually, in spite of the odd extra son, this is a fairly straight retelling of the Noah story. And yet Jordan does manage to chime with the modern world; it doesn’t take huge imagination to see payday lenders, food banks etc in that message from the angel. Plus Jimmy Savile.
Could Jordan have gone further and actually uprooted the story to modern Britain? So that when Noah takes Kenan into town, it is in fact Manchester? Where the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually? Yeah, that works. Maybe, circa 1990, in fact, because this hedonistic club Kenan ends up at, off his tits with the lovely Sabba, could easily be the Haçienda. Was that side of mankind really so bad, God, that you had to wash it all away and start afresh? I can totally understand why Kenan stayed. It looks brilliant, and so much better than the righteous family boat trip in the rain. That – the rain – translates too, of course.
And another bloody travel show, Travel Man: 48 Hours in Barcelona (Channel 4). With another bloody comedian/actor/celebrity presenter – Richard Ayoade – to guide us through a Catalonian mini-break. I hate travel: my own, other people’s, and especially the travel of comedians on television ...
Oh, but this I like. And that has nothing to do with Barcelona, and everything to do with Ayoade. And Kathy Burke to be fair, his travel partner in this opener, but she’s the straight one here, Ernie to Richard’s Eric; most of the time she is creased up laughing herself. Because Ayoade is very funny, properly disdainful and glib but somehow also charming. That’s some achievement, and the result is an unexpected delight, the best TV travel since The Trip. Bring on Istanbul.
