The first time I saw The Aristocrats was an experience I’ll never forget. I saw it at the old United Artists Theater in Union Square in New York City, so, in honor of the movie turning 20 years old this week, I fired up my Prime subscription to figure out which of the many versions of the dirtiest and funniest Aristocrats jokes are my favorites.
When I saw the documentary, directed by Penn Gillette and Paul Provenza, and featuring dozens of comedians and actors, it was the first, and to date only, time I’ve ever seen people actually falling out of their chairs laughing. It was, frankly, the funniest movie I’ve ever seen in theaters. So, without further ado, a family walks into a talent agent's office and tells the seven funniest versions of The Aristocrats.
Cartman Goes Way Off The Deep End On South Park
Without question, the funniest take on the Aristocrats, in my opinion, is the ridiculously over-the-top version that Cartman tells the other South Park guys. It starts with the traditional telling of a family walking into a talent agent’s office, but by the end, there are victims of 9/11 involved. I saw this movie in New York City, so I saw firsthand just how shocking and, honestly, hilarious everyone in the theater found it, in the one city where you might expect people to think it had gone too far. It didn’t, and it ranks up there near the top with the best episodes of South Park, ever.
Bob Saget Gets Really Dirty
It’s old news that the late, great Bob Saget was an incredibly dirty comedian, defying expectations from fans of his TV shows like Full House and America’s Funniest Home Videos. I’ll admit, at the time, I didn’t know just how filthy Saget could get in his standup. I certainly understood after seeing his version of the joke, which he tells, without getting to the punchline, just minutes before hitting the stage. He does give us all the disclaimer that he doesn’t endorse or condone anything that happens in his version of the joke.
Billy The Mime Quietly Cracks Me Up
One of the most interesting takes on the joke comes from Billy the Mime, played by comedian Steven Banks. As a mime would, he performs the entire joke in silence, acting out every dirty bit of the story on the street. By this point in the movie, everyone understands the joke, and so every position and mime that Billy does lands silently, but brilliantly. At that point in the doc, there is no sound at all; only the laughter of the audience makes up the soundtrack.
Gilbert Gottfried Is The GOAT
Gilbert Gottfried was so good at telling the joke that he got two versions into the movie. The first time audiences see Gottfried, he’s sitting at a table in what looks like an office boardroom, saying the most outrageous things. In true Gottfried fashion, he’s unafraid to be as disgusting as humanly possible. With no live audience, he kills it.
The second time we see the late, great Gottfried is when we learn that his telling of the joke on stage at the Hugh Hefner Friar’s Club Roast is quite possibly what inspired Gillette and Provenza to tell the story. It was incredibly rare (and still is) to see a comedian tell the joke on stage, but Gottfried goes for it, and it’s so wonderfully dirty and hilarious that, like the audience I saw the movie with originally, it has Rob Schneider literally on the floor in laughter. It very well may be the definitive version of The Aristocrats joke.
Kevin Pollack Channels Christopher Walken
I think sometimes people forget that before he became one of the most prolific character actors in Hollywood with roles in blockbusters like A Few Good Men, The Usual Suspects, Casino, and Grumpy Old Men, Kevin Pollack started his career as a stand-up comedian. His impressions are well known from his appearances on talk shows, and one of his best is Christopher Walken. In telling The Aristocrats as though he were first told the joke by Walken himself, Pollack has one of the very best moments in the movie. It’s one of the shorter versions, but it’s outstanding.
Sarah Silverman Makes It Personal
One way to tell the joke is by putting yourself in the middle of the action, so to speak. That’s how Sarah Silverman does it. In her words, she was “an Aristocrat.” She’s not embarrassed by it, nor does she wish to make a big deal out of it, again, in her words. The things that are described as part of her own family’s act are just as outrageous as anyone else’s in the documentary, and her deadpan delivery is pitch-perfect. Her punchline, which I won’t repeat here, reportedly almost got her sued by Joe Franklin.
Eric Mead Lays His Cards On The Table
I’m a total sucker for card tricks and sleight-of-hand magic, so watching magician Eric Mead’s close-up magic version of the joke is really special. Sure, it’s not the funniest version of it in the film, but it almost certainly took the most practice. It’s brilliantly done, and it’s one I can watch over and over and still not understand how he does all the tricks.
It’s versions like Mead’s that make The Aristocrats such a great documentary, and not just a series of comedians telling increasingly dirtier versions of the joke. Like Steven Banks as Billy The Mime, or one telling I didn’t mention here, Rita Rudner telling her “clean” version (which ends with a dirty punchline), it’s the great variations that make the movie (and joke) so funny.
There are so many amazing moments in the movie I couldn’t even get to here, like Robin Williams telling it on the beach in Northern California, juxtaposed with Drew Carey telling a similar version. Mario Cantone’s impression of Liza Minnelli doing it is also amazing. There isn’t a dull moment in the whole documentary. The Aristocrats might not be for everyone, but it’ll always be one of my favorites.
