Good evening, and a vigorously scrubbed and germ-free welcome to Week 6 of The Apprentice! Tonight is the utterly joyous advertising week, in which the remaining candidates have to create a new brand of cleaning product, then develop an advert to present to present to a load of bored agency types who have taken a break from auditioning drumming gorillas and writing raps that rhyme with "organic yoghurt".
If you cast your mind back to last year's year's Apprentice, you'll recall the sheer joy and happiness bestowed upon us by Philip with his Pantsman character, developed to encourage children to eat breakfast AND go to school with their pants on outside their clothing. I think we can all agree that getting beaten up in the playground is a small price to pay for starting your day fully vitamin-enriched and fortified with iron.
But this year it's cleaning products, which traditionally have been advertised through the medium of patronising, sexist guff and vulgar Barry Scott-style shouting. I anticipate Stuart Baggs taking to this task like a duck to water.
I'm delighted to have Apprentice superfan @Ladyribenaberet back from her travels to keep an eye on the comment box, so pop on your marigolds, grab a damp sponge and prepare for an evening of butt-clenching buffoonery.
See you at 9!
8.55pm: It's nearly time! I am twitching in anticipation of extraordinary levels of twattery, and very much hoping they make Alex and the Baggster team leaders.
8.59pm: And we're OFF - you can watch in HD, if you fancy seeing Stuart's adolescent pores up close.
The voiceover guy is still insisting these are Britain's brightest business prospects. I am still laughing in a hollow fashion at the insanity of this statement.
9.01pm: Last week, our teams had an epic fashion disaster in Manchester. There was a battle for the "on trend" sequinned frocks, a hideous dress made out of ties, Stella flaunting her wares in a shop window and Paloma giving Alex a proper savaging in the board room. She was fired, and we all learned that some areas of the Trafford Centre are commercially more viable than others, and that Londoners don't wear shoes. Good to know.
9.02pm: 7.30am - a lie-in for our snoozling candidates. Lord Sugar is popping over, presumably to lead them in some morning yoga and remind them that he has a new book out.
Stella answers the door, fully dressed and immaculate, and starts kissing his backside before he's even wiped his feet on the welcome mat. Does she ever sleep? He's not terribly impressed with Stella's charms.
Stella rouses the waking dead, and they all rush downstairs in their jimjams. Never have I wanted Stuart more.
The teams have two days to design a cleaning product, give it an identity and make a TV and radio ad to pitch to an ad agency. Joy of joys.
9.06pm: Stuart wants to be team leader, but so does Alex. He is a marketing and advertising expert, let's not forget. "If I was an apple pie, the apples inside would be orange", he says, in tonight's first example of meaningless cockbadgery. I think he may be speaking in tongues.
In the other team (I have no idea which one is which), former Royal Marine sniper Christopher is team leader. He wants to bring his "killer instinct" to the boardroom. As metaphors go, it's just disturbing. I think we need to keep an eye on him.
Alex is holding a brainstorm, stir-frying ideas in his mind-wok. Except he doesn't actually have any ideas. Of course Alex doesn't care, because he's too busy thinking outside the box. Unfortunately, the box is in a skip outside a cafe in Hull.
9.11pm: Both teams are doing market research at a mother and toddler group. I have done this, and can confirm that these women are TERRIFYING. They suggest an octopus with lots of arms (eight, I'd suggest). Because mums need lots of arms. To clean, and stuff.
In the supermarket with Alex, Laura suggests "Blitz" as an idea for product name. "Wasn't that a bombing campaign years ago?", says Alex, as the nation collectively despairs.
9.13pm: Alex's team still don't have an idea or a product name. Chris is keen on The Germ-o-nator, which Alex hates even though he doesn't have a better idea, because he is a witless fool. "Hasta La Vista, Gravy", says Stuart, practically wetting his pants with excitement. And suddenly it's a winner.
Christopher's team have called their product "Octi-clean" - as ideas go, it's at least seven legs short of a fully formed Octopus. Unless it cleans eight different ways or can predict the outcome of the World Cup, I can't see it winning. As we say in marketing, it just doesn't have legs. Which by any standards is a shit octopus. It's just a big bulbous inky head.
9.16pm: Christopher's team are auditioning for the woman for their Octopus TV ad. This person will play his wife, so he doesn't want "a minger". Sex sells everything, he tells us. *hunts for sniper rifle*
Laura points out that having a child in an ad for a "keep out of reach of children" cleaning fluid is ill-advised. Alex decides to put his neck on the line. I fear this decision may revisit him later. Possibly in the boardroom, where he will be fired.
9.18pm: First comment roundup:
@Catch22 - failure is not an option. DRINK!
@BrokenBiros - Can 'Germinator' really be laughed out of a world where the name 'Cilit Bang' is taken seriously?
@Blythy - having a friendly kids character on the front of a bottle of toxic chemicals is a great idea.
9.20pm: In the voiceover booth, Stuart has turned into a parody of himself doing an impression of David Brent pretending to be Alan Partridge, but tragically it's actually just Stuart being normal. In his infinite marketing wisdom he has decided that e-coli has a nervous, squeaky voice, whilst influenza is a slightly sinister cockney luring poor, vulnerable e-coli into a crack where the cleaner can't quite reach. It's like listening to Joe Pasquale being dragged down a back alley by Phil Mitchell, but with germs. It is heartening to know that when Lord Sugar doesn't employ Stuart (which he almost certainly won't), a career in hospital radio beckons.
Meanwhile, the sound guy has to be physically restrained from suffocating Stuart with his own headphones.
9.20pm: Chris and Jo record their radio ad. I am clenching too much to type, sorry. Shudder.
Nick tries to explain the concept of Christopher's ad, which is helpful because I for one haven't got a clue. Basically the wife sends the kids off to bed so she can dress as an octopus and grope her husband. Hey, shit like this happens in the suburbs.
9.22pm: Chris briefs his actor on how to say "I just can't get rid of this gravy" in a deeply disturbing, semi-pornographic way. I now want "I just can't get rid of this gravy" as my ringtone.
What's your gravy situation? I just can't get rid of my gravy. Chris can't get rid of his gravy either.
9.24pm: I now can't focus on anything other than Chris's gravy, sorry.
"Octi-clean, the climax", says the voiceover guy, because he is a wag. It's important they have chemistry, says Christopher - it can't be cheesy. As it turns out, his ad is a ripe brie with stilton topping wrapped in several babybels and a dairylea.
Nick is horrified at this "1950s schmaltz". I'm too busy laughing to be offended. The ad agency is going to tear them to pieces.
9.28pm: Laura is ranting, because their presentation is dreadful. In fairness, both ads are lining up to be total bobbins, so the presentation is the least of their worries.
9.29pm: Sandeesh is presenting the Germ-o-nator. It terminates germs and dirt. We see the ad with a man who can't get rid of his gravy.
"How funny on a scale of 1 to 10 do you think your ad is?" says the ad agency guy. Chris says he's still laughing after 20 viewings, which says a great deal about Chris, I think. I will still be laughing long after Chris has got rid of his gravy, but for different reasons.
9.31pm: Jamie is pitching Octi-clean. There is nothing he can say that will make this idea less pants. if he farted into a megaphone it would be more impressive.
Cringe. Clench. Horror.
9.33pm: The ad agency call Lord Sugar. Briliantly, they are struggling to decide which team were less crap. It's a tough call.
In the boardroom, we are forced to see both ads again. I'd rather squirt Germ-o-nator into my eyes and wrestle a horny octopus.
Second comment roundup from @ladyribenaberet:
@Nardo9 - STUART: Any publicity is good publicity. I just wonder if he will think that whenever he goes for a job interview after this series is over.
@hermionegingold - sex sells everything? tell that to andrex.
@DannyO - Nick Hewer seems to have appointed himself to the position of leader of the Women's Liberation Front.
9.37pm: Lord Sugar is joining Nick in disparaging their 1960s attitude to women. Truly they are both progressive modern men, who knew? Nick points out that they leapt on the Octopus idea "like a tramp on chips". A feminist tramp, mind.
Christopher's team have won for the packaging and the Octopus idea. Or at least they haven't lost. I am appalled. They should have been bathed in Chris's gravy, scrubbed with Octi-clean and thrown to Germaine Greer. But instead they go off to do karaoke, which is punishment in itself.
9.40pm: Alex is shocked at Lord Sugar's decision, mainly because he is a halfwit with a startling lack of self-awareness. He's looking forward to having a discussion with Lord Sugar about it. Oh, so are we, Alex.
9.42pm: "Blah blah risk me-toos marketing bollocks visual standout witter", says Alex. If he were an apple pie, he'd still be fired.
Chris tries to justify the child holding the bottle of toxic chemicals. He fails, possibly due to his inability to get rid of his gravy. I'm going to stop mentioning this now, sorry.
9.46pm: Alex decides to bring back Chris and Sandeesh, even though he said Sandeesh's pitch was excellent. This is the second time someone has done that to Sandeesh, poor cow. Lord Sugar was clearly gagging to fire Laura, and seems quite pissed off that she's off the hook.
I can't see how Alex can survive this, personally. But then Karen shafts Sandeesh by saying that her overall contribution was less than everyone else. Harsh.
9.49pm: "In my day job, I am a marketing manager" says Alex. In MY day job I am also a marketing manager, Alex, and I can say from experience that you are an incompetent knobber who knows NOTHING about marketing. That is all.
A few more funnies from the comment box:
@Hurrahful - e.coli's going viral? but... it's a bacterium.
@hermionegingold - this makes qvc look like cranford
@Diop - Karaoke as a prize, tbh I'd rather go to the losers cafe.
9.54pm: So who's getting fired? Lord Sugar sends Sandeesh back to the house, so it's between Alex and Chris. And this week it's....ALEX! Oh thank goodness.
Alex thinks Lord Sugar has made a big mistake. He's going to be a big success anyway, and doesn't need Lord Sugar. Which begs the question, why apply?
So we're off to BBC2 for half an hour of a sanitised, humble, media-trained Alex on You're Fired! Anyone?
10.01pm: And there's Alex on You're Fired!, dressed like he punted his way to the studio. Insert gag of choice.
10.04pm: There are TWO big companies who make ALL the UK's cleaning products, says Alex, in his infinite marketing wisdom. He is of course referring to Procter & Gamble and Unilever, but has of course forgotten Reckitt Benckiser, makers of the likes of Vanish and Finish and Dettol and Cillit Bang, because he knows absolutely cock all about marketing. But I've plugged them now, so all is well.
Whoever tried to give Alex humility training failed, because he is still an arrogant twonk.
10.14pm: Oh my dear GOD. Look what Strictly liveblog goddess Carrie Dunn has just sent me. LOOK!
I now have happy evening of reading about Alex Epstein and the "Art of brand storytelling" to look forward to. I can't WAIT.
10.21pm: 4 questions: Trevor Nelson - why? Ruby Wax - why? Tufty-haired guy - who? And finally, Why haven't the BBC called? WHY? Perhaps I need to say how much I love Dara O'Briain. Which I actually do, he's great on this show.
10.26pm: Bye Alex, you were temporarily entertaining, and then just annoying. As predicted in the comment box, they've made him an apple pie filled with apples painted orange. I believe this is the first time a guest on You're Fired! has been given a perishable gift.
A quote from Alex's website: "I have a lot of opinions about what makes a good business and what makes a successful brand. I canʼt share them all as Iʼd be writing for a very long time – and weʼd have nothing to talk about if we ever met for a cup of tea or coffee!"
That's tea or coffee, mind. Not hot chocolate. Or orange juice. Or Germ-o-nator.
10.30pm: And that's it for this week - next week our teams are doing something with film-making that looks quite complicated, so I'll see you back here then. Thank you for all your brilliant comments, and to @ladyribenaberet for emailing me the highlights. There are many, and alas we can't put them all up here otherwise we'd just have two massive comment boxes. Do follow me on Twitter @heidistephens, and don't forget to join Stuart Heritage and Carrie Dunn's brilliant Strictly and X Factor blogs at the weekend.
See you next week! Hx
