After last week's farcical inability to sell coffee to posh Londoners (how hard can it be? Surely only drugs to school children would be easier?) we're back for another episode of the Apprentice. On the telly - obviously - and here, live. Hello.
I'll be updating constantly from 9 (when it starts) and carrying on until the end of 'You're Fired' on BBC3. Probably, unless it's as boring as last week, in which case we'll have switched over. In any case, refresh the page for updates, and if you have any thoughts, tips or insider gossip about Sir Alan or any of the candidates, do let me (and the rest of the world) know in the comment box below...
According to the BBC's Apprentice microsite, 'in the second task, the team have to design an innovative product for dogs and pitch it to three retailers. Get ready for tears, tantrums and tension as the candidates' creative skills are put to the test'. That's what we have to look forward to.
Oy... An hour of marketing spods and, financial directors and wannabe-management gushing their creative juices all over Her Majesty's BBC1. This has got to be good. That's 'Got to' in a 'Please please please let it not be the dog-accessory-equivalent of Jadine improvising Happy Birthday over and over and over again. For an hour. Because I'll cry' kind of way.
Oooh, I'm all tense just thinking about it. Nine O'Clock, then. Are we nearly there yet?
9pm: The usual spiel. Alan (sorry, Surallun) is being ruthless, candidates are being gormless, crying a bit, arguing a bit, being a bit power crazy, etc etc...
Round up of last week, which you can also find here, though I seem to have neglected to mention poor fired andy trying to cover the outline of his manboobs (or 'moobs', I believe they're called) when the helicopter landed last week.
9.05: A 6am call summons the candidates to the London Eye to meet Surallun. One of the candidates - one of the 'hunky' ones, Adam? - is shown frying food and predicting this will be a 'design task'. And if it is, he says, He wants to lead it. Oooh, that's decisive.
At the London Eye, Surallun talks to them for a while about the London Eye, before announcing that he's "not here to talk to them about the London Eye". He's a man of his word, Surallan. As long as that word is "Eh?!" Or "Amstrad Emailer", obv.
No, he says. The task is about dogs. Their mission is to deisign an accessory for dogs. People will spend money on their pets, he argues, and the candidates have to create something that these "nutters" will buy. Surallun's first rule of business: consider your potential market nutters. Brilliant. They will then pitch it to three 'doggy retailers' and the ones to make the most profit will... you know the rest.
9.07: The leaders for the week are chosen, very quickly. On camera, instantaneously, but don't you believe it. They are Rory - it was Rory, the one before, not Adam, sorry - who is a 'Bankrupt Entrepreneur' (according to his BBC CV) and Katie Hopkins, who is a High-class Dominatrix (according to her hairdo).
9.09: The leaders have briefed their teams. Katie announces that she's going to have a 'firm hand' over the team (I TOLD you!).
In turn, Rory goes "fucking crazy" for discipline, and will be sending people out of the room for "overtalking". He would also like everyone to stop swearing. Apparently he doesn't go "fucking crazy" for swearing. Nice edit.
Oooh, Jadine's still in team Eclipse. I thought that was a one week swap.
Rory then makes everyone else take their jackets and, if possible, ties off, while keeping his on.
Mind games.
With your own team.
In the first five minutes of being in charge.
Eeeenteresting.
9.09: Research. The dog industry is worth £500m in the UK. They have to conceive and design something to retail at £30.
The first idea from the women? Dog nappies. The second idea? A dog-powered fan. The third idea? Dog nappies. The dog-nappy instigator pushes the nappy again. Katie asks her to 'drop the nappy'. Hee hee hee.
The men feel like they're under the thumb of a firm headmaster. I think Rory and Katie should get it on. It would be a happy, if hard-disciplined, match made in dirty heaven.
9.15: While the women are doing some actual research and deciding whether the shops they're pitching to are going to accept the high-fashion accessories they're thinking of pitching, strange things are afoot at Team Eclipse Base.
Rory's split his team in two. Half have been sent out to talk to the "chavs and general working classes" about what kind of dogs they have (all his words, not mine, don't shoot the blogger), while he goes through the designs his team have come up with back at base.
After staying out of the team design process all day, and dismissing all the ideas they present, he reveals his own design. And announces it's the one they're going to be going with. Um...
It's a dog-walker's utility strap. A strap for your biscuits, your ball, your bottle, your pooper scooper and, I think, your bullets.
9.17: At the petshop, on hearing Rory's idea, Jadine goes crazy for the idea of 'Eclipse' and the prospect of the strap having lots of 'Clips'. Now that woman is a branding DEMON.
Meanwhile, Simon talks to a dog owner who just wants a blanket. Just a blanket. You can see lightbulb go on above his head.
As BeefQueen says: Are we sure that Brian Dowling isn't using The Apprentice to resurrect his failing TV career, by pretending to be 'bankrupt entrepeneur' and this week's team leader, Rory?
Bloody good point.
9.17 The women are talking ahout their 'Doggy Bag', a rucksack for dogs. What it will hold, and how it will fit. Sophie demonstrates how it will fit, by bending over and wrapping her arms around her tummy, over and over again. "Yes!" screams another Stealthette, "Like a coat! But not round the willy! NOT ROUND THE WILLY!"
Next time I go shopping with my boyfriend, I will remember to keep that in mind. "Yes you should get a coat. But not round the willy. Not The Willy."
9.19: On the way to a focus group, half the group pitch the idea to Rory from the cab. Rory magnanimously allows them to present it to the focus group, thinking they'll dismiss it out of hand, and not wanting to piss them off. Meanwhile, according to Tre, he seems to be pissing everyone else off more by the minute. Weird, that.
9.23: Half of Eclipse hang out at a doggy disco watching as Rory's 'Strap-on Dog Handy' is dismissed out of hand, and the blanket is lapped up with open arms. Um, mouths. The other half of Eclipse is at the design company, looking like pricks. They have no idea, they have no product, they have no word from the focus group.
The focus group is in a car, talking about their beloved blanket... with CLIPS. Jadine, branding demon, is saying 'clips' over and over again. 'It clips! It clips! Eclipse! Get it?'
We Get It.
Tre, the most annoying man on the planet Not Even Considering His Bumfluff, tires of talking and says 'he's going to shut the fuck up'. He doesn't.
9.25: After another appalling example of non-communication, the focus-group half of Eclipse haven't reported back on their dramatic findings with only a couple of hours to go. The Rory half of Eclispe have gone out and bought the equipment for the Stupid Strap-on Doggy Thing. The focus groups reportings are reported. Rory puts the phone down on them.
Taking into account the relative time being spent on the teams, hands up who thinks Eclipse are going to lose?
9.28: There's a night of arguments, Ifti announces that he actually has a degree in Product Design but was 'just feeling a bit lazy'. This doesn't go down well. Tre and Rory have an enormous argument. I think this is going to be a running motif. 'This week, Tre has an enormous argument with...'
Unless he's fired, of course, which, let's face it, is a possibility.
HFactor on Jadine, Brand Demon: Perhaps she should develop some kind of branding tool that will burn the Eclipse logo into the back of a jack russell.
That's the way, lass, Now you're thinking like a Brand Demon.
9.30: Hang on, Stealth have made a cupboard?! Where did that come from? I missed that! Oooh, that was stealthy!
And in a shock departure from reality, Rory's Strap-On Dog-Doodah doesn't look quite as shit as it should.
Until he puts it on. The it looks like Rambo. If Rambo was doing an impression of a complete dickwad.
Throw the ball, and if you get bored - pull out the grenades! Wow. No one's going to buy that. The mock-up designer man says it's a nice product. Boy. He wrong.
9.31: First pitch - Stealth bomb. I mean they do badly. The team. Stealth. Do badly. Oh you know what I mean.
Eclipse do slightly less badly, although the buyer doesn't seem enormously sure that people will want this. Anyone. At all, in fact.
9.33: Second pitch. "Why wouldn't I just use a kitchen cupboard?", say Harrods. First and last time I'll say this - Harrods are presenting me with a value for money suggestion.
Eclipse are asked why you wouldn't just put these things in, you know, a bag.
9.35: Last pitch. Eclipse are ecplipsed by a complete dry in the middle of the Ghazal's Stealth pitch. Oooh, that's going to hurt.
Has anyone shown any interest in these products? At all.
Hang on, aren't two people going to be fired this week?
Or did I dream that? It was a happy dream.
9.37: Everyone s in the board room. Eclipse are asked what they thought of their, Rory's, product. The strap-on. They thought it was rubbish. They're asked what they thought of Rory as team leader. They thought he was rubbish. I'm getting a tingly 'look how right I was!' feeling'
9.39: Katie has her hair down. Unusually for the practice, this serves to make her look absolutely NO softer whatsoever. Ghazal's questioned on her drying up in the pitch. Katie is praised as leader. How lovely. Aren't women great?
9.41: How did they do?!
Oooh, this is very good tension building.
The boys - sorry, Eclipse, (Jadine is not a boy, she is a brand-demon) - got orders from two stores, and the girls only from one.
The boys got 100 orders overall, and a profit over all of about £500.
But the one store ordered 2000 of the Kitchen cabinetesque dog-cupboard (for when your dog is Really Bad) and made a profit of £5000.
Eclipse lost! What an enormous shock.
Surallun talks for a while. Apparently Harrods is one shop. Thanks, sugar.
9.43: The boys, in a caff (you know, for contrast) are displayed discussing things ernestly, then cutting away to talking heads of them planning to tear each other to shreds.
Rory says he'll go into the boardroom and 'kill off two others...' So does that mean he knows two people are going to be fired? That can't be so, can it?
Can it? You mean it's Not Live?! I'll SUE!
9.47: They're in the boardroom. Everyone's bigging up the blanket. Yes, it was a good idea. AND you could have printed an eclipse on it! And written Eclipse on it in big letters! With clips on! Ooh, I'm not watching, hang on.
Who's going to go back into the boardroom. Hmmmmm. Has to be Rory, Tre and Ifti. Ifti been Baaaaaaaad.
'Did you contribute, Ifti?' Naah, not really. So here's the man who last week told us that if he could break bricks with his hands, he can do anything. Apart from 'be bothered', apparently.
9.50: Ifti was missing his son, and found it crippling, and couldn't concentrate. Though as a lady I am obviously melting at this, it apparently doesn't make for good business.
HE FIRES HIM! Immediately! Blimey, we've only been in the boardroom a minute and a half!
I was right!
9.52: Ifti gives his good bye speech. Yes, his family is too important to him, he could have won but didn't - But he swears to us, he's still going to be a billionaire by fifty. Yeah, whatev, mate. You're fired.
Back to the boardroom.
9.55 Rory gets to say his piece. He's appalling. Asked what happened, he, instead of explaining his case, just described what's happened so far in the episode. Who needs a round-up voiceover guy? We've got Rory!
Tre keeps interrupting. What a big shock. But talks and talks and talks and at the end of the day...
9.57: Bye bye Rory. You were a bit of hunk, but you were also an enormous public school (or public-school wannabe, which may be worse?) idiot.
Tre stays for another week. On his way out of the boardroom, he tips a wink to the camera. I want to grab him by the bumfluff, and kick him in the googlingtons.
10pm Right now over to BBC3 for Y'Fiyud
Updates move to ten-minutely, I think... I mean, it was rubbish last week...
Hang on, Maggie Philbin?! From Tomorrow's World? And I'm medialy-ignorant so don't know the oeuvre of the other two. What an illustrious panel.
Oh! It's Toby Young! I read a book by him. It was rubbish.
10.10: Ifti justifies himself again. The hearts of broody women all over the world melt, again. The hearts of businesspeople nationwide harden. Nasty business people.
Joyfully, we get to see Ghazal's drying moment. Again. And she's not even here.
I loved the fact that she described the issue in the boardroom as 'Yes, no, all that happened was that my pitch was slightly shorter than originally intended...'
How much shorter? Well as seen earlier, she managed to get as far as 'Our product is blue sky thinking and your customers will really like it and...'
And then had to segue straight to 'And I'm going to pass you over to Gerri'.
10.15: We've finished Ifti's segment. His wife's expecting another baby, ah, bless etc. Maggie Philbin thought Surallun was right to fire Ifti.
Phew. Surallun will sleep well tonight, then.
10.30: Adrian Chiles is being annoyingly lovely to everyone, again. Paxman, he ain't. They should get Paxman to present this, that would be very hot. Not that I fancy Jeremy Paxman. Much. Oh, I'm all distracted and not watching again.
The failure of the Doggy-strap-on is laid, by the panel and Rory, at it being a fantastic idea, but not having enough time to realise it.
The failure of the pitches is laid very firmly (by Rory) at the feet of Rory not conducting the pitches. I'm thinking Rory would have been happiest in a big happy loving team-of-one.
Tre is given an awful lot of attention, fittingly, because he is awful. The man surely can't work with anyone. If he stays another three weeks, I'll eat my editor. And my desk. And my laptop. And chicken liver [shudders].
Rory, for the whole of his segment, displays his absolute Lack of Personality. Can personality disappear into such a vacuum between the end of an episode and the beginning of the clips show/deconstruction? Seriously, I want to take out whoever edited that episode of the apprentice - and managed to make him look like both a dick and a dynamo - and buy them many pints.
Does the panel think Surallun was right to fire Rory? Do the audience think Surallun was right to fire Rory? ...
Well who gives a crap, he's done it already.
Next week, on The Apprentice
Surallun turns up at the house, gives them some cash and tells them to make as much money as they can.
Hurrah! It's bob-a-job week!
[Oh, and thank you, and good night]
