Last week, fifteen thrusting young individuals were set to task, scrubbing smalls, folding sheets and mangling ... well, everything. Candidates lost their tempers, customers lost their shirts and one poor soul lost their chance of working with Britain's most ... with the most preeminent ... with Sir Alan Sugar. This week, they will battle again. And someone will lose. And people will shout. And we will find it all disproportionately amusing.
I'll be updating constantly from 9 (as soon as it starts, then) following all the action on BBC1 and carrying on. No, hang on, until the end of You're Fired, on BBC2. Click on read more to read more, refresh the page for updates, and if you have anything pointed or persuasive; punning or poignant to add, do let everyone know in the comment box below...
[Transparency disclaimer] As anyone who read to the end of the comments last week (and I'm sure you did, as they were very funny) - you might be aware that there was an Organ Grinder And Friends night out at the filming of You're Fired. Well, two of us. So you might rightfully suspect with all this wealth of prior knowledge, I might give something away, or somehow have written the whole thing in advance.
But you would be wrong, because you would have underestimated how much wine we would drink immediately after the filming, and the fact that my notes on the way back would be a collection of random words like "Hamster!" and "Mushroom/oven/puree" and "In LONDON" which, to be honest, didn't help much. So I will still be liveblogging it; and yes, I do know who gets fired, and no, I won't be telling you.
And to be honest, it won't be obvious, because it's as debatable as always who deserves to be booted the most; there was disagreement between H-Factor and myself about whether it was the right decision and, as I think we all saw last week, there's nary a logic to the whole thing anyway, apparently. [/transparency disclaimer]
Anyway - this week, as we saw in last week's previews, the teams are doing something to do with cooking; they are, in fact, taking over a couple of pubs for the purpose of providing food to the masses. Last week they aired their dirty laundry in public; this week they're trying to organise a piss up in a brewery. I'm spotting a theme. Next week, watch in awe as they take executive decisions about whether one should or should not put all ones omelette ingredients in one carrying device or not.
In the meantime, I'll be back at nine...
9pm: "From across the country, sixteen tycoons of tomorrow have come to compete for the chance to be ..." what? a tycoon? No, to work for an amusingly shouty short man in a suit.
I can't get enough of that moment where he says "I'll fire all bloody five of you! I don't give a shit!" in the opening credits. I know we have beefed in the past about the repetitiveness of the opening spiel (yes, we know what's happening now, it's the bloody Apprentice) I would miss that bit if it went. That one bit.
9.02: We see the shambles that was last week - the shouting, the bullying and the shameful firing of the only person on the women's team who actually seemed to do anything.
9.04: 6am, and a silken voiced Frances-from-Surallunsoffice wakes up the house with a phone call. Morning Frances!
The call is taken by Jenny, wearing a blanket wrapped around whatever she sleeps in - and we don't particularly want to think what that is. Still, the blanket covers her modesty, if not her chin.
Everyone is woken up, dressed in a flash and out of the door and in the cars before you can say "Blimey, have you got velcro seams on those suits or what?"
And they end up ... At the Tate Modern. Because it looks good on camera, I think, although they'll inevitably come up with some tenuous link to this week's task.
9.05: I know there was conversation about the music being used in this series in the comment box a couple of weeks ago, but since watching it on Monday was the first time I'd actually sat back and taken in the show as a whole, I have to say, I like the light classical choral 'lalalala la la la LA!" thing. It's jolly, and makes me think that at some point, there might be people dressed in large woodland creature costumes pirouetting in the background when we're not expecting it.
Well, I can hope.
9.07: As they clearly aren't any good at arranging themselves, Surallun picks the team leaders for this week, pulling Ian and Sara out of the pack. And just when you think he's going to swap them around, he doesn't. It's still all men against all women.
The pub industry is having problems, says Surallun. And they're rejuvenating it. The whole industry. In 24 hours. With themed food nights.
We see Ian's promo bit again "There are two types of people in life: Winners and - the other one. I can't say it. I can't spell it. Not-winners. It begins with an L. You work it out."
"What?" says my boyfriend from the sofa "That bloke can't spell losers? What?"
9.11: In Hampstead, in a pub which I'm pretty sure featured in the dreadful 'kiss chase' episode of last year, the men are making big decisions. What about steak? What about sausage and mash? No! What about Italian!
Brilliant. "I think we should have waiters in fake moustaches" "That's brilliant" says Raef "Write that down!" And he's serious.
Later, they're outside theming the evening. "A taste of Italy at the Duke of Something!" they say.
"And maybe" comes a voice, I think it's Raef "We should all put on Italian accents!" "I can't spell accents?" says Lee, taking notes.
My boyfriend is outraged. "Do these people have a basic literacy test for this show? 'Loser'? 'Accents'?"
9.15: The girls are doing a Bollywood themed night. Everyone's up for it, apart from Claire, who is pulling a face like her parent's German Shpeherd chewing a bee. "I just think curry's a bit niche" Are you crazy, woman? It's our national dish, isn't it?
9.20: Kevin is proving to be comedy gold in the kitchen. He knows about food, he says, he has eaten in Italian restaurants. Ian has thrust all responsibility for the food on him. He's thrust a lot of responsibility for the marketing onto the other half of the team, and seems to be mainly concentrating on hanging around with the kitchen team, making sure they know they're responsible for whatever goes wrong, and not him. Having said that, he's on to a winner with Kevin, who is a responsible and dedicated cook.
[Please note, this paragraph has been edited to remove one horrendous spelling error and one typo, proving that me talking about literacy tests is a fine example of pots and kettles and relative blacknesses]
"We could get like a mushroom, roight" - he is from Bristol, yes, and that is a fine and marvellous thing, and not to be mocked - "And BAKE it. In the oven. With, like some salt and pepper and things. And then puree it. And we got some sauce! And then we'll make a carbonara, right? With some bacon? Or some Ham? Or chicken? And creme frais. What?"
Surallun has given the teams a list of cut-price suppliers, but having spent so long faffing about that they haven't actually done any shopping, and find themselves doing their costings at the local grocer. The local grocer in upper-class Islington, let us not forget.
"If ooo want to make a termater soup for Fourrr peoples?" says Kevin "You 'ave to use TEN termaters. So if, roight, you wannid ter make soup fer FIFTEEN people"
Fifteen?! Where did he get that from?
"... You need ... 150 ... 30 ... 40 tomatoes!"
The man's a bank manager, you know. He could arrange your mortgage.
They then fail to buy anything at all, and not getting anything wholesale, but it all from a (not very cheap) supermarket. Lots and lots of it. Mainly jars of ready-made tomato sauce. Nice.
9.25: The women, back in Islington, have avoided paying for props, leaflets, anything, really - mainly by fluttering their eyelashes. The Apprentice candidates: once more advancing the cause of women in business everywhere.
They've had a good thought, selling tickets for a fiver each, and then offering five pounds off the bill, which at least guarantees people through the door, which would be great if they'd managed to make any food, which they haven't.
The curry is crap.
"I told you so" says Claire, bitchily. "I said that from day one" (Well, yesterday) "I said we shouldn't do a Bollywood theme, I said it was all wrong and..."
Clearly Claire is the baddie of the women's team this episode - she's been shown giving nothing but negativity all the way through. Interestingly, Lucinda and Jenny have been shown doing ... nothing at all.
Meanwhile, Helene, who is wearing a huge chefs hat, is shown actually trying to get them all together as a team. "It will all work so much better if we actually just work together and don't try and blame each other all the time" she tells the camera.
Finally, someone sensible. Helene to win!
9.32: Lindi, in Islington, gives the front of house team a pep talk before they finally start their dinner service, having missed out on lunch entirely - "... introduce yourself to the customer, give them your name, take their name, check you don't mind you using it ..." and then what? Offer them a 24-hour helpline? (see last week)
They have a bollywood dancer, or rather some waiter from a nearby restaurant who thinks he's Michael Jackson and starts taking his clothes off half way through. Nick doesn't look impressed. Well, ever, actually, but particularly at this.
The boys, meanwhile, have been given pep talks by the West Country's greatest head chef (yeah, fuck off Rick Stein!) in the back garden, been chastised by customers by trying to fob them off with to halves of the same pizza, and generally got quite cross. Mainly Ian, who, we should mention, announced himself on the phone as "I am worried! Ian McQueen is worried!" What?!
9.36: Boardroom! "How was Ian as a leader?" asks Surallan. The silence goes on for about 18 seconds, and feels like forever. "Don't all speak at once, boys" says Ian. They continue not to.
9.38: Surallun has a protractred conversation with Simon, who, he says seems like an action kind of guy, which would suggest that Simon might be doing quite well for himself, until he makes the heinous error of dropping the 'Sir'.
Oh, you don't want to do that, son.
The boys somehow managed to make a total of £844.97 but spent a HUGE £543, so only had a profit of £301
Alpha made less, but spent less, and ended up with a profit of £600. Well done them.
They go to a cookery school for a prize, and learn from a top chef how to make ... apple crumble. That's rubbish, I did that in first year Domestic Science.
21.44: The boys go for their cup of tea, during which Ian blames Kevin for everything, and Kevin remarks to camera how great he was. At everything.
Then, back to the office, where "Surallun wil see you now" says.... hang on, that's not Frances, is it? Was Frances blonde? She never was! Who IS this imposter?! Where is our Frances? Here we were, hoping she was going to get a mach expanded role in the new series, and she's completely usurped! Who IS this? Where is Frances!? We demand an answer.
9.46: Back in the room, Ian is asked whose fault the failure was. "Well, the Head chef is MEANT to be responsible" he mumbles, and points his pointy hair at Kevin, who looks all shocked and surprised, and more like someone's pet hamster every moment. Not in a good way, you understand. In an annoying way. Hamsters are annoying. And they can't cook.
Looking at the boys, though, I hadn't noticed how boy-bandish they could possibly look. We have Alex and the shouty Lee, who might as well be Jason Orange and Howard. Kevin could do a passable impression of Gary Barlow with some gel, all we need is a Robbie - well, that'll be Simon - and a little Mark, and we'd have a full Take That tribute band. Maybe in a couple of weeks, eh?
The infighting goes on, but is really confined to three people. Ian, Kevin and ... and who else does Ian blame? Simon. I don't think he's on to a winner with that one, really.
9.52: They're back in the boardroom, and Simon has just proved why Ian possibly shouldn't have taken him in there:
"I think it's quite a lot about Ian's management powers that the two people he's brought back in here are the two people he was supposed to be in direct managerial control of"
Ouch.
Ian's leadership skills are being comprehensively deconstructed. Meanwhile, Kevin plays a good card - "I called a pep talk because he was so weak!" "No he didn't!" squeaks Ian.
Well, there clearly was a meeting, we saw it happen, and Gary Hamster over there certainly did give a pep talk, albeit one that was rubbish, but he gave one. But Ian is basically calling him a liar.
If there are cameras rolling, I always think, it is best not to try and rewrite history. Just a thought.
9.58: Simon is warned that if he doesn't stop complaining and being a man of action and start doing something constructive instead, Surallun won't be happy. Kevin is told off for being a smug little hamster-faced idiot.
But Ian is fired. Bye bye, Ian!
See you on The Apprentice: Yer Fiyud! over on BBC2 in about a minute...
10.10: Highlights from the first five minutes - I kind of missed, because I was rewinding to the moment Adrian Chiles walked down the stairs and trying to spot myself in the audience. And failing because we were right at the back, sorry about that.
Still, the moment where - and I don't like the carriage of this young businessman at all - Ian's dad in the audience was asked whether his son had made him proud, and answered with a 'No!', the look on Ian's face and the small, angry 'Cheers, Dad' was almost heartbreaking.
Can someone be punchable and heartbreaking at the same time? I say they can. Now.
On the panel, John Torode, Jo Brand with another of her favourite toilet paper headbands, and outgoing editor of Heat, Mark Baldy-Frith (What? He's spent a long and profitable time over seeing the drawing of red circles around people's cellulite, what else shall we call him?)
They're rather scathing of Ian. The clips are shown, the audience laughs. Ian is arrogant, sullen and unrepentant in response. I know it's hard, but he's not doing himself many favours, I must say.
10.15: We see again the women's success, the fact that they blagged a lot of things for free by fluttering and flirting, and the fact they ended up with a profit before they sold the very first meal (due to the ticket thing). We see Surallun's face when they announced that they had made profit before a customer had walked in the door. He was so happy, I think he might have had a little orgasm. Just a tiny one.
"Why didn't you blag free things? Did you not think of that as a reasonable business tactic?" Adrian asks Ian. "I had an ugly team" Ian grumps.
We then see the women fighting - as usual, including Ludinda decrying the bitchiness of the group, and people shouting at Lucinda for calling them bitches - which is not quite the same thing, but far be it from me to start defending Lady Ribenaberet when she's hardly played a part in this week's episode. Next week I'm sure we will see more of her again. And not be able to miss her. With the hats and all...
10.20: Ah, sweet sweet moments reliving Kevin's kitchen prowess. All these quotes I should have quoted if only I'd been able to type fast enough:
"We should get, roight, a thirty pound Latte machine, and make lattes, and just sprinkle some chocolate on top..." "Should we just talk about desserts, Kevin?" "Those ARE desserts. So, if we get ..." "Do latte count as deserts?" Someone asks their professional chef and helper. "No." he says. Simply.
Kevin, to be fair, was an absolute joke - absolutely cocky and overconfident, without having a clear idea of recipes, pricing, how to please diners, colleagues or cameras - they either of them could have got fired and I wouldn't have questioned it, but Ian, and especially compounded by his performance on this follow up programme, just makes my skin crawl a bit. He's just ambitious in an ANGRY way.
10.30: The panel continue tearing small strips out of the man who sits opposite them, glowering, cheekbonishly.
They are asked if Surallun fired the right person. Yes, says Mark Baldy Frith, who has, it must be said, been amusingly tough on Ian throughout the show. Yes, says Jo Brand, who is funny, and said something they cut out that I'll tell you about later. No, says John Torode, because he likes to be difficult.
Adrian asks the audience. Should Ian have been FIRED! or HIRED!
The camera turns. The result is resoundingly red for 'fired'.
At the back, near the middle, you can see a red 'FIRED!' sign being held upside down, and a green one being held just in front of it. That is me and H-Factor. Look at us and how famous we are!
And that is it. Next week, the teams turn into shopping centre photographers. Is that a thing? And finally, from the look of it, they mix up the men and women. Which is good in one way, but bad in that I'm going to have to start learning to type Rennaisance. Renaisence. Oh bother.
Thank you, and good night
