I always enjoy this one, the interview episode of The Apprentice (BBC1). And it’s taking place in the clouds, up the Leadenhall Building, AKA the Cheesegrater. So Bianca, Daniel, Roisin, Mark and Solomon take it in turn to go up in the lift to the top, in order to be grated by Claude Littner. Grated, melted, swallowed, then spat out on the pavement outside. Merry Christmas.
There are other interviewers. Mike Soutar is a publishing heavyweight, we’re told, with a gift for reading between the lines. And the lies. He finds out Daniel wasn’t named salesperson of the year for the company he worked for in 2009. Seems he has self-awarded since, for the benefit of his CV, though he doesn’t see any deceit. “To be honest, Mike, I would honestly say the CV is probably underexaggerated,” he says. Honestly, Daniel?
Mike’s good, puts in a bit of effort, calls up previous employers, goes through Solomon’s phone hunting for ideas, finds out that Roisin’s amazing product that will change the world is already in the world and on the market. Compare with fellow interviewer Claudine Collins, managing director of a leading media agency, whose opening question to Bianca is: “Tell me a bit about yourself.” What! That’s more like a bad date question than a serious interview one, isn’t it? Not good enough for television, I’m afraid, Claudine, don’t bother coming back next series, if there is one. [Points the finger] Pack your wheelie case, taxi for Collins … hey, I like this power, even if it is only in my own head.
Then there’s Ricky Martin, who was on the other side, a gratee, and the winner just a couple of years ago. He’s not a big-enough cheese, a Babybel basically, and he’s never going to go in hard enough. No, Claude’s the real draw here. So what’s he got for us this year?
Well, for starters, Bianca’s proposition is a “non-starter”. And Daniel’s business plan is “ridiculous”. Because – if I’m understanding it right – people won’t use a website to organise events, he says. (Ridiculous idea, isn’t it, Claude, actually buying something on the internet. You big Littnersaurus.) Anyway, “Don’t talk rubbish, OK,” he tells Daniel. “Because I’ll have you for it.” Have you! Bloody hell.
Roisin’s ambitious low-calorie ready meal plan is also – inevitably – “ridiculous”. She’s a tiny operator, “you’re not even a blip on anyone’s screen,” Claude splutters at her. Remember he once told Stuart “The Brand” he wasn’t even a fish? I don’t know which is worse: not being a fish in a pond, or not being a blip on a screen.
And then poor Solomon, who gets the good-cop-bad-cop treatment from Claude – praised for the CV, its maturity and lack of bragging. Built up ... so bang, he can be dropped from an even higher height, pretty much the full 225 metres of the building, in fact. That almost happens, literally. When Solomon is told that his plan is “a bloody disgrace”, twice (it makes a change from ridiculous, I suppose), and then to leave, without an interview, the poor boy wanders off, dazed, in the wrong direction, towards the window. Maybe that’s what he’s thinking, of jumping, tumbling down the inclined face of the building, the grating face.
Actually, the cheesegrater thing kind of works here, with the five candidates going up and down and up and down (in the lifts), and every time they come back down, they’re slightly lesser cheeses, and lesser as human beings, their egos and confidence and dreams stripped away. And you know when it’s Claude they’ve seen because when they come back down again they’re just thin bits of rind.
God, he’s odious, isn’t he? More than a bully, he’s like a walking, talking violation of the Human Rights Act. Maybe it’s all put on for the pantomime, and he’s a lovely sweet man in real life. Ha.
Fired then? Hell, no. After the same-old-same-oldness of the tasks, and the candidates, he – and this whole episode – is so very welcome. Being appalled by Claude is a lot more entertaining than being a bit bored by Alan Sugar.
Oh, and if Bianca doesn’t win on Sunday, it will be a national scandal and there’ll have to be an inquiry. When Mark talks I can’t actually physically listen, my brain just shuts down, that’s how dull it is. I’m not totally convinced that Bianca’s tears are real, or even that she is, but at least she makes sense. I even understand her idea: making and selling tights, right? That’s got to be worth 250 grand.
